When does it stop hurting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
When does it stop hurting?
4
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 10:19pm

My husband moved out 3 weeks ago, with no signs before hand. He says he has been miserable for the past year, and is no longer in love with me. I am devastated. We have no children - just the two of us. It has devastated the entire family. Turns out, he (not being much of a communicator) had been sort of testing me throughout the year - and I was failing miserably, but didn't know I was being tested. There are so many things I did wrong, and I soooo want the chance to go back and fix what I said and did! But it looks like that won't happen. He said if we went back and redid things I would be changing myself to please him and that's not right.

I can't stop reliving moments and wishing I could go back....when does this stop? I am seeing a marriage counselor - lucky that he has been able to fit me in 3 times now. He will see my husband next week for one visit. That is all he promised he would do. I am so sad, and it is hard to stop crying from all this. When does it stop hurting??

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 6:43am

Amy...

Pianoguy congratulates you on getting the counselling. Having someone close to listen to your feelings is very important right now.

Getting over the disappointment of your husband walking out WILL TAKE A LITTLE MORE TIME! But it's not something you CAN'T handle.

While you might assume that many of the flaws (that caused the split) were of your own doing....it takes 2 people to make a successful marriage (or relationship) work! You can't reinvent yourself over and over...simply because you'll eventually lose your own identity.

It's entirely possible that a little distance between your husband and yourself MIGHT change things? 2 or 3 months of separation could POSSIBLY result in a mutual desire to 'try again?'

But for now...stop crying, continue with the marriage counselling, and seriously look at the reality of 'moving forward' with your life!

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 7:00am

wow - that is some blow. i am so sorry for your pain. you can't really put a time limit on when the pain stops - its different for each of us. but remember that this is a process and there will come a time that it will stop hurting. it may take weeks or months or a year - but it will happen. each and every one of us here went thru the pain and the depression - and we all got thru/are getting past it.

obviously there is moe going on here - things that you may not even be aware of. Its a good thing that you wil be going to counseling, and I am glad that your husband has agreed to go with you for one session. if nothing else - it will give you some sense of closure. your husband is right about one thing - that if you changed things to please him it would be wrong. he is right - IF there are things about you that need changing, the change needs to come from within YOU. its possible that there are other things going on with your husband that he can't talk about. you are not a failure - sometimes marriages just DON'T work out.

please keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 8:16pm

So sorry to hear your pain. I also went to a counselor when i got served with divorce papers and she told me to feel my pain, grieve the loss. The tears will gradually dry up. It's been 3mos for me and i don't cry as much. What bothered me in the beginning was the hope of getting back together but now i've realized that that relationship was broken and i have to accept that it's OVER. In your case, having no kids is a blessing. With NO CONTACT, it will be much easier for you to eventually forget him. In time, you won't feel the hurt and won't remember the anguish.

What helped me through the heart ache are my friends, male & female. Although i'm not ready to date i meet new people through my friends and now i have a social life.

"Cry if you must, laugh when you can."

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2006
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 11:14am
I don't know Amy. All I can say is if he was testing you for the last year, he is the one that failed, not you. He failed to communicate to you what he needed or was looking for. You can't read his mind, chances are no matter how you repsonded it wouldn't have pleased him. You can't live you life wondering if he is testing you and if you are doing the things that please him! Communication is a two way street with many paths. You both have to listen, be heard, be understood and understand and then capable of expressing your thoughts and feelings. Did he stop and ask how you were feeling about the marriage?