When is enough - enough??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2007
When is enough - enough??
8
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 11:59pm

Hello-

I just turned 39. I have been married 15 years to my high school sweetheart. We have two wonderful children together. This has been our only marriage and he's been the only man I've slept with - ever. Anyway, marriage has been up and down over the years - realistically - I think marriage is supposed to be that way, and 10 years ago he asked me for a divorce because he was unhappy. We called lawyers - separated for a couple weeks and called it off and reconciled. Marriage coasted along fine for years. Now, within the last four months - he's confessed to me that he doesn't love me or have it in his heart to be happy with me. He says we are too different and that he has felt so alone in this marriage. We have disconnected from eachother over the years - but nothing that really alarmed me. Thought it was a normal part of marriage - especially a long marriage - felt love just transforms itself over the years. Anyway...I filed for divorce in January - papers came -he panicked and asked me back. I accepted. Wonderful at first - but wore off in about a month. We hung in there with eachother for the next couple of months - but I could tell something wasn't right. Confronted him and again, he said he didn't love me and it wasn't fair for either of us to stay in this marriage if love is not there. I agreed. Frustrated and angry and feeling completely stupid - I called the lawyer and filed again. Now, the draft settlements have arrived. Husband has moved out - only been gone for two weeks. He stopped by Tues and said things that indicated a change of heart - again. I'm so sick of getting my hopes up and then burned. I need to protect myself and my children from this constant indecision. He battles depression also. I really feel sorry for him because he really doesn't want a divorce - but feels he should let me go - so I can be loved the way I deserve. Any good suggestions? I could use them. I still love this crazy man - just worn out. Does he deserve another chance?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2003
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 2:41am
This same thing has happened to me over the last 19 years. I am 38 and only been with my STBX, so the prospect of such a change was HUGE. However- I keep in the back of my mind the following phrase- Am I going to wake up at 60 or 80 and wonder what the HELL I did with my life? Or am I going to take the chance that a better form of happiness is waiting for me? I'm taking the chance. :-) Right now my happiness is me and my girls and my good friends and family. No man in my life for now. Maybe later when I shed a little bitterness and decide that maybe all men are not the exact same as STBX. maybe.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2007
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 9:41am
Thanks for the insight. I believe I have a very hard time thinking of myself. I think about him and I think about the kids. I look at all that is at stake to go through a divorce and forget about the positive that can come - like being truly loved by someone. I know my STBX loves me - but maybe a different kind of love. He's even admitted to me that he feels he's going through a mid-life crisis. He shows all the signs of that and I think that maybe he'll snap out of it soon and realize he wants this marriage to work - but at what cost? He's been pulling me in and pushing me away so many times now - that I feel insane. He plays games with me and I don't think he realizes it. I need to do what is best for me. I hate mind games. I hate feeling like I'm in high school again. I just want him to be upfront and honest and move on. He's asking for more time to hold off on the divorce. I have the papers from the lawyer sitting in a cupboard in the kitchen. We have a total of 20 years invested in this relationship and I tell myself "What is one more week"? But, being in limbo destroys me. I need to figure stuff out soon. Thanks again for everything. Sounds like we have something in common. Keep in touch and have a great weekend :) Lisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 10:49am

If you give him another chance... what are you going to do differently this time so that it has a chance of being really different than the times you've taken him back before?


For me, I was at the point where I had to tell my then-STBX that if we were going to start over, it had to be with a completely clean slate... and for me, that meant living separetely, divorced... and start back with the whole dating thing, etc.... but at that point, too many bridges had been burnt, and my instinct was right.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2007
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 11:21am
You are right. Need to think logically. My emotions always get in the way. I panic and he does too. He's feeling guilty about this. He knows he asked for it. He feels he needs to protect me. I don't need protection. I need to feel like an adult and he makes me feel childish. He's asking for another week and I don't know why. The draft settlement papers are shoved in a cupboard right now awaiting signatures. He moved out only two weeks ago. Only 4 days have gone by with very minimal communication. We have never truly been separated for more than a week. I find myself surprisingly more calm when he isn't here. But, when I know he's coming to pick up the kids - I get tense and my stomach is in knots. He admitted to having somewhat of a mid-life crisis. Just three days ago, he said things to me (revelations) that I have wanted to hear for years and that is why I'm confused. He said I was amazing and wonderful and that he is so sorry for not seeing all the hard work and effort I put into this over the years. He said he doesn't know why he overlooked so much. Said that a little "disconnect" would beneficial regardless of what direction this takes. Now, my foolish little stupid heart is hopeful again. I hate being hopeful, because I've been burned over and over again. Lots of thinking to do. We have 20 years invested in eachother and we love our family and our life on the river. But, without love and a true connection to eachother - it won't float. I want resolution soon - I hate being in limbo. Thanks again for your input. You have been a great help. Have a great weekend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 11:28am

I guess it's all about how you are feeling right now... really.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 1:40pm

Even the greatest love has it's limits. Enough is enough when you decide you are done. I too battle depression and my DH has left me 6 weeks ago. He comes and goes. One minute he's asking about us having sex again, then he changes his tune and says he isn't ready. One moment he's sweet and loving, the next, he's telling me to shut the F up. I live in the house and he moved to an efficiency apt and he expects EXPECTS me to learn to be more confident and he thinks that I can do that knowing that the man I love would rather sleep on a mattress on the floor than next to me.

But I do my best and you will too. Life is full of surprises, but this behavior of his should come as NO shock to you now that he keeps it up. He wants you, you take him back, he drops you again. Sorry, but I'd be the one depressed if that happened to me. What do you want? Flip flopping or real love? It's out there. I promise!

~Melissa~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2007
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 2:12pm

I hate to say this but stop the roller coaster and get off while you still can and protect your children. I wish I could take my own advise.

I am a 40 year old, married for 7 years - this is my second marriage. My husband also suffers from depression and 3 years ago started shutting me out - refused to do things he used to enjoy alone or with me. We have a 6 year old daughter that he also stopped doing things with. Because of this, I sought out the solice of another man - the biggest mistake I ever made. I only met him once and knew it was a mistake - but my husband found out. At first he had a wake up call and realized how he had pushed me away. We went to counseling and recommitted our love for one another. He stopped going to counseling saying that he had a good view on my feelings and how to have a happy marriage. Then he went back into his depression and anxiety attacks. Said he couldn't trust me and we worked on that aspect. He said he knows I would never do anything like that again and could see us growing old together. Then one day in March he went to the family physician and came back and declared he didn't want to be married any longer. Stated he loved me more than anything but didn't want to hurt me or himself any longer. He stayed in the house for the next month and every couple days wanted to make love to me and I gave in, it made me feel loved and still wanted. However afterward it just confused the situation more. I can't understand if someone loves you that much, how can they not work on the relationship and just give up.

Lonely and Confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2007
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 2:36pm
A year ago from today I told my husband no more other women after 29years of marriage. He sat a few minutes, packed and left. No words, he said he didn't know what to say. I felt like I cried the first 6 months at the drop of a hat and all the time. I took a workshop that asked are you ready to say "I've had enough". That was in September. My reply was that I wanted to, but... That meant my head knew, but my heart wasn't ready. In August he filed for divorce charging me with Cruel and Inhumane treatment - another slap. Since the beginning of December I have been trying to get a settlement in place. Even my own lawyer said to me that she thinks he's stalling. And he's the one who wanted to leave. I now understand and daily force myself to continue pushing towards what my head knows is right. I know my heart will catch up. If you feel it - not think about it, you know that you have known for a long time already that it's probably over. Maybe you don't, see what you feel. I just know that I have known for probably the last 10 years that it was really over. By the way I come from the same beginning, highschool sweethearts, pregnant at 17. Good Luck to you. Make the decisions for yourself - feel it.