When is it enough?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
When is it enough?
4
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 4:49pm

I am new to this section! I had been posting in the cops wives section and now I am finding myself looking at the postings here (that tells you where I am at)! I am married a little under a year and I feel horrible. I feel horrible that my life and marriage had come to this. I have been unhappy for most of the marriage. My husband started on the police force right before our wedding. I have heard the first year of marriage is tough but add onto that being married to a cop, I am wondering if I was doomed from the beginning.

Basically our problems stem from communication and a lack of respect. I feel emotionally empty and that he didn't want to marry me in the first place. He has never given me reason to believe that he wanted to. I try to bring up issues that we are having and he treats me like a criminal and interrogates me (turns it around on me). He is very disrespectful! He puts me down in indirect ways and speaks to me (yells) in a way that I don't think is appropriate. He is very secretive with phone calls and the computer. I don't feel that I or this marriage have been a priority on his list. I tried to tell him about my concerns in many ways: talking, fighting, letters, emails, and finally leaving (twice). I feel that I have tried everything in my power to save this marriage and I have gotten very little if nothing in return! I am currently not living with him butwe are talking. After I left he made no attempt to call for almost 1 month, which in my eyes says alot. I suggested counceling on multiple occasions and he wanted no part.

Finally I filed for divorce and had the papers mailed to him. Then he finally called. Now he SAYS he is willing to do whatever it takes but his actions are speaking louder than his words. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it has only been three weeks since we have started seeing each other and things are already back to normal. Our first counceling session is next week. How much heartache and abuse can one person take? When is enough enough and when do you just throw in the towel?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 8:57am


HUGS, and welcome to the board. I think in our hearts, we know when it's time to leave. And then we usually hang on well beyond the time we should have left. It sounds like you have done a lot to try and salvage this marriage - different ways of communicating, separating, and now counseling. I would encourage you to give counseling an honest try before you make your final decision to divorce. That way, you can know you really tried everything in your power to make the marriage work.


I know you've ben married for under a year, but some marriages just don't work out. It's better to end a bad one and move on with your life than stay too long in something you know isn't right.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 9:10am

You might try the counseling but it really sounds like it's not going to work out.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 11:47am

there is not enuf information here - i am not sure why your marriage is not working out. is it really your MARRIAGE that is the problem? are there other issues going on in YOUR life?

I am a very strong believer in counseling, and i also believe that - unless there is abuse or addiction - it is worth it to give it a shot. you got married to each other for a reason - i am hoping that you fell in love and felt that you wanted to spend your live together. if that is the case, that maybe there is something you can do. i know that you have tried and tried to get him to counseling - and he refused. and maybe you are feeling that this is just a stall tactic, or maybe you are thinking "oh, so NOW he wants counseling all of a sudden? where was he 6 months ago". but ----- you know what, it doesn't matter. go to counseling, and make an effort. you will see, soon enuf, if he is serious or not. and no matter what, at least you will know that you made your every effort to make this work

hugs...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 2:38pm
Thank you for your input! We have been together for 6 years and I do love him. I wouldn't have gotten married otherwise. I have seen changes in him since the wedding and hte new job. Others (friends and family) have seen this change too. My fear is for the future. He has anger/temper issues that he is not able to control. He has never laid a hand of me but there were times where I was afraid of him. He has made holes in walls and we have gotten in arguments in the car where I wanted to get out of the car. I worry about bringing children into a situation like this. He has always had a bad temper but it has gotten worse lately. He is very controlling and manipulative. He is also addicted to gambling. He has a very impulsive/addictive personality so I worry it will turn into something else. I fully intend on going to counceling to see where it goes. He says that he wants this to work, but in the same sentence says that he is not going to have some "moron doctor" tell him what to do! I keep opening back up to him and forgiving him time after time when he hurts me thinking he will change, then things go right back to normal.