When to tell Ex about new BF?
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| Mon, 05-30-2005 - 12:24pm |
Hello.. A little about me... My divorce was final on May 18th. We had been separated since Jan 4th. I have 2 children and we are living with my mother. Mine and EX relationship was never going to work. We had way to many problems ranging from domestic violence to financial issuses. I had tried leaving, I think a total of 5 times. So, when I finally got up the nerve and strenght.. I left and I didnt look back at our marriage. In April I started seeing someone from my past. A man I have known for a total of 16 years. We had been talking due to an upcoming reunion since November. But we never thought anything more about starting a relationship. Then in April it all just kinda came together. I had filed for divorce, started waiting the time period out, and I was getting settled into my new life. Since then, we have had the best time. I havent been this happy with someone else in nearly 8 years. We are taking it slow when it comes to the kids. We dont want him coming in and the kids end up hating him. But between us, we are really going good. He is also divorced and hadnt seen anyone in 2 years since then. At first I was worried about people thinking I didnt wait long enough. But I have waited! And now I have that someone. So I want people to know. More importantly I want EX to know. Not to rub it in his face, but so that he can realize I really have moved on. He still calls to tell me he is thinking about me and still loves me and that he misses me. I just dont feel that way and I have someone else. But How do I tell him. When is the right time. We have only been separated for 6 months. The Divorce has only been final for 2 weeks. How do I tell him about a new man in my life. Do I? or Do I just let him find out on his own, probally thru my kids. Or someone else. Do I tell him, or just let him be suprised?
Veronica

i certainly wouldn't tell my kids now! you have to wait until this is serious and you know he'll be a part of your life for a long time to come. it would be selfish to do otherwise.
if you tell your husband now, you risk having him think that this is why the marriage ended. do you want to do that? he loves you still -- maybe start off easy and say you have a date. whatever your past, your ex is still a person with feelings.
you're feeling great and want the world to know, but there are important people around you here that are a huge part of the equation.
don't mean to put a damper on your newfound happiness -- just be wise (and happy)!
I say WAIT on all fronts... with the EX and your kids.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hi, Veronica, and welcome. I'd suggest not telling your ex. First off, it's none of his business, and if you want to "move on," you need to get past the idea that you have to keep him posted. Second, the combination of an abusive past and the fact that he's still hanging on suggests abuse to come if he knows about your relationship.
I'm not saying you can prevent that or that you have to bend yourself like a pretzel to avoid further abuse, just that you need first to hold the line when it comes to his saying he loves you, et cetera. Stop the conversation cold when he starts that stuff. You will not get through to him and any attempt to do so rewards his behaviour.
You're divorced now; that should be enough. He doesn't seem to care that you've moved on. Your new relationship won't change his mind. If you have to communicate with him about the children, keep the conversations businesslike. Otherwise, have no contact and keep him out of your personal life.
Take care.
IMHO the time to tell him is just before the children will meet the new bf. You do not want him to be surprised and learn about this through the children. If he has a temper, you will be putting the children in the position of witnessing that and of him asking them a million questions they won't know the answers to. It is your job to let him know a new person will be in the children's lives, and to answer any questions he has (that concern the children, not any and all questions), and also to give him time to come to terms (if he needs that) before he has the children with him again.
How old are your children? Unless they are babies, it is way too soon for them to be around your bf. You need to get your relationship past the honeymoon phase and it's only when things are very serious (talking about the future and marriage) that the children need to be involved. If you've just been dating since April (no matter how long you've actually known each other) it is too early to be talking about marriage and future. Just enjoy him and have fun, but leave the children out of it for their sakes. Someone said on another board once "children don't date, they attach" and just after divorce is the wrong time for children to become attached to someone new that you can't know will be around for the long-term (and even if he is committed to you for the long-term, children need longer after a divorce before they are ready to see you moving on).