WHEN WILL HE LET GO OF THE PAST?
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WHEN WILL HE LET GO OF THE PAST?
| Wed, 04-18-2007 - 4:49pm |
MY BOYFRIEND AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A YEAR AND A HALF NOW AND HAVE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER FOR THE PAST YEAR. HE RECENTLY DIVORCED IN FALL OF 2004, MOVED TO TEXAS FROM FLORIDA AND LEFT BEHIND THE EX WIFE FROM HELL, FROM WHAT I AM TOLD SHE WAS CONTROLLING MANIPULATIVE AND COLD. THEY HAVE TWO CHILDREN, AGES 8 AND 6 AND SHE REFUSES TO ALLOW HIM TO SPEAK OR VISIT THEM, LET ALONE THEM VISIT HIM HERE IN TEXAS BECAUSE HE IS WITH ME. I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO UPSET/HARM/OFFEND THIS WOMAN, THERE IS NO REASON TO HATE ME OTHER THAN JUST TO HURT MY BOYFRIEND. THIS HAS TAKEN A TOLL ON HIM MENTALLY AND HE CONSTANTLY FALLS INTO DEEP DEPRESSIONS BECAUSE OF IT. I ATTEMPT TO FIX EVERYTHING AND CONSOLE HIM BUT IT NEVER SEEMS TO HELP, THE TRUTH IS I HAVENT GONE THROUGH MARRAIGE/DIVORCE/CHILDREN YET. THERE DOESNT SEEM TO BE ANYTHING I CAN SAY OR DO TO LIFT HIM UP, I CONSTANTLY TELL/SHOW HIM THAT I WILL BE BY HIS SIDE BUT IT DOESNT MATTER, IVE SUGGESTED SPEAKING TO A THERAPIST TO SORT OUT THE DEPRESSION BECAUSE IT IS BAD. NO. WE ARE GOING TO START A REALLY NASTY CUSTODY BATTLE FOR THE CHILDREN. STILL NO EFFECT. HE SAYS HE FEELS LIKE HE IS NOT LIVING THE LIFE HE WANTED TO BE LIVING, SAYS HE WANTS TO LOVE HER, BE WITH HIS CHILDREN AND HAVE HIS LITTLE FAMILY, BUT WONT DO THAT. IF I HAVE TO LET THIS MAN GO, I NEED TO KNOW BUT HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW. WHAT ABOUT ME? DONT I DESERVE TO HAVE ALL OF THOSE THINGS? I DONT WANT TO BE STRUNG ALONG DRAGGED DOWN, I WANT TO HELP HIM AND BE WITH HIM BECASUE I LOVE HIM BUT I FEEL LIKE I AM AT THE END OF MY ROPE WITH THIS DEPRESSION. THEY DIVORCED IN FALL 2004, IT IS SPRING 2007!!!!! HOW MUCH LONGER CAN THIS LAST AND HOW MUCH LONGER CAN I TAKE? SOME ONE PLEASE....HELP!!!!

I think you are doing yourself a great disservice by hanging on to this relationship. You are not happy and neither is he. It would require an immense amount of change for both of you to be together happily for the long term. Seeing as this is a Surviving Divorce & Separation board, I'm sure many of us can attest to the fact that hanging in there doesn't really work.
I'm sorry to sound harsh or negative, but I think you deserve to be happy and you clearly are not. I hope you can find a way to be happy and fulfilled.
yes, agree, i can imagine it must be challenging dating a man who has gone through a divorce and is separated via a significant distance from his children.
usually when people have not or cannot let go of the past is because they are typically dealing with some form of *regret*. any parent, who's a good parent, agonizes being away from their children, and not being able to communicate with them or see them consistently is heartbreaking.
yet, also know there are three sides to every story: his side, ex-wife's side & the truth. i know this by having an ex who's totally lied to his GF about me, all evil stuff on my end & he hung the moon, as evidenced by she happily dated him while we were still legally married and laid up with him the first time she met his mother, in HER home, as well as happily laid up with him at her place while my children were there!! all because i'm sure he's sold himself as a *perfect* person.
so, don't be so quick to hang your hat on everything he's said about his ex wife because you truly do not know the intricacies and nuances of their marriage and what detailed circumstances that led to their divorce.
i do think that it is certainly cruel to keep any child from speaking with or visiting his / her parent, no matter HOW the parents feel toward one another; and your boyfriend should have strong grounds for parental alienation syndrome (PAS), which is taken seriously in states such as Texas, Georgia, and Florida. and if it is in fact the case, his ex could truly be in trouble legally for that (it's a dangerous and careless thing to do morally and legally!)
this is going to be a challenging journey for you, if you are not up to it, you're going to set yourself up for much disappointment. because, speaking from personal experience, whenever your family is severed or broken, you are NEVER the same. you move on, and manage your daily life as best you can, but your children are never the same, the parents are never the same, and the concept of *happiness* takes on a whole new meaning in new relationships.
before your boyfriend can redefine that concept of happiness in your relationship, sounds like he has to undergo some substantial healing, and just because divorce papers are signed, emotional wounds oftentimes take considerable time to heal, especially for many men, who often *deal* who usually analyze or reflect on the mistakes of their past marriages when they enter new relationships, also often too fast, and the new person is the one who's caught in the middle and ultimately hurt.
best wishes as you navigate this sensitive matter. just be careful not to *judge* whatever is transpiring between your boyfriend and his ex, especially when it comes to *their* children. take the high road, be supportive, listen, and most of all, protect YOUR heart ...
{{hugs}}
This cycle won't end.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~