When Will It Stop Hurting?
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| Sun, 02-18-2007 - 12:43am |
I'm a divorced mother of 3. Every Friday and Saturday I have to sit in the bleachers at my children's basketball games and see my ex with the woman he left me for (She became his wife a few days after our divorce became final.), and it just tears me up. It's especially bad on "his" weekends, like this one.
I feel sort of stupid feeling like this STILL, because it's been almost exactly 2 years since he announced his plans to leave (so we've been living apart just about that long) and 5 months since the divorce was legally final. It just hurts to see him looking so happy with her and then see my kids go home with them (to a house on the same street that we used to live on--it was supposed to be our dream house in a dream neighborhood). I went from being a full-time stay at home mom to having to give up my kids every other weekend, plus seeing them for only a few hours each day before and after work. But come on, it's been two years!! Why does it still affect me so? I've heard so many people tell me that it takes two years to get over it. I was married for 14....and 2 in years, I don't feel like I'm over it. I'm dating a man, and he wants to marry me...he's asked me at least a dozen times. But I can't possibly get married when I still get this upset about my ex.
Does anyone have any suggestions for how to get over this? I've seen a therapist since he left....every week for a long time...now down to just about once a month. I am so sick of hurting! I don't feel like I can talk to any friends or family about it anymore...they were so great for the first year. I wouldn't have survived without them, but it's been two years...they don't want to hear about it anymore. Thanks for listening to my rant, and thanks in advance for any advice.

redinok..
PG's first thought (after reading your post twice) was to find yourself a good male companion to bring with you to the games. This way...you can focus on HIM instead of the EX!
But if this isn't possible...it might be a good idea to remember why the 2 of you divorced in the first place? Then...focus on the fact that if he left you for another woman....the odds are pretty good that he'll eventually pull the same crap with somebody else?
Pining over your past is a waste of time...simply because there's no way to change the events that have already occurred! And in your case, 2 YEARS OF PINING ARE LONG ENOUGH!
Pianoguy
Hi
I wish i had some advice i could give you about getting over the hurt but i don't. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I have been separated for almost two years and yesterday we finally decided that we aren't ever going to get back together and today and last night i feel as i did the first day we separated. The hurt and pain is enormous and i have to live as someone told me moment by moment. I thought i was doing ok but i guess i was holding on to the hope that we would end up together and now that hope is crushed and i realize i was faking it all that time when i thought i was doing alright. But maybe that is what i will do again, fake it until i make it.
There is no magic timeline for this. This is really a grieving process we go through and many counsellors will tell you that every one grieves differently, so don't be so hard on your self.
You do however have to stop obsessing, that is what i also have to do.
I think that you should take this other guy to the games and sit where you can't see the ex and his new wife. Concentrate on your children and on yourself and i believe you will get through it.
Many hugs to you and remember your a great person and you don't deserve to hurt like you are.
Take care
Denise
I am two years behind you (divorced not final yet, STBX making wedding plans already) with 3 basketball playing kids. Our marriage was pretty horrid for a long time, maybe yours wasn't, but I keep reminding myself that I deserve better.
I saw one website that had an interesting perspective, that the pain was not from missing the person or still loving them, but from being 'addicted' to the relationship. Not that you or any of us is an addict, but it gave me some interesting ideas on how to stop obsessing. Maybe taking a break from the games for a while so that you can get over it, or sitting on the same side of the bleachers so that you don't see them in front of you.
Here is the website.
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/addiction.htm
I applaud you for getting out there and dating, I am just terrified of trying to do that at my age (45+).
M.
You are not alone so just hang in there. I have a wonderful man in my life now to. You have to try to let some of the feelings go so you can be free to move on with your life. I am struggling with this to so I guess we are in a bit of the same boat here. Maybe I can pick up some advice from your replies! Lol. As my boyfriend say "keep your chin up and I've got your back and you've got my ear." His support has helped me through the worst days of my life. I hope you have someone who does that for you.
Take care,
Hugs,
Kel
Thanks for the kind words...it's good to know that there are people out there who understand. I really do see progress....I'm definitely better than I was a year ago. But I struggle also with whether or not I should even be dating when I still get this upset about my ex. Is it fair to my boyfriend? I don't hide it from him...and he still wants to be with me. He even wants to marry me! But I'm not sure I'll ever want to get married again. I wonder sometimes if it says something about my feelings for my boyfriend that I still get so upset about my ex....like maybe my feelings for him aren't strong enough to keep me from letting this stuff bother me. But that's a whole other topic! Thanks again. Take care!!
steph