When will the pain go away?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
When will the pain go away?
16
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 7:50pm
We've been married for 2 and a half years. He said that he was unhappy and did not want to be married anymore. He was tired of it all and he left. Where was this coming from? This wasn't the first time he's walked out. The last time he did, he had even started to get the paperwork for divorce going. But he came back and he said that we could try to work things out. And I thought we were. I even told a friend two days before he left that we were doing good and that I thought we were getting back on track. But he hit me with a curve ball. He doesn't even want to be separated and see, just wants to get straight to the divorce. But at the same time, I know that this is probably for the best and that I can't make a marriage work on my own. If he's given up, whatever I do will not matter. But even knowing this, it still hurts. We talked civilly the other day and we both know it's time to move on. Yet, it still hurts. I still love him and I'm still IN love with him. I've told myself that I could never take him back even if he begged because he can't guarantee that he will never walk out again and I can't bear to be put through it again. I feel so torn inside.
I'm going to be served papers today. I'm expecting it and I already know what it says. But I still have a knot in my stomach. And I've been packing up my stuff in the house. He's living at his mom's house right now and just waiting for me to get my stuff out so that he can get his. Everywhere I turn, I'm reminded of our life together, all that we've gone through -good and bad and of all the dreams we had - the plans we had talked about for the future. I'm losing weight by the second. I joke about how I can stand to lose a few pounds but even when I try to eat, it just tastes so bland. I haven't been able to eat much.
I know I've babbled on and on but anything anyone can offer me would be greatly appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Sat, 08-12-2006 - 8:43pm

Hi there...
I emerged from a 10 year marriage. It was tough to say the least. No one ever wants to be divorced after getting married. Sometimes, when one party decides it is over, then it really is over. One must want to make things work. If the desire to save the marriage is not there, then you must brace yourself for the roller coaster ride.

I found it so helpful when I sought therapy. It helped greatly when someone who is not involved is there to listen. My therapist was able to help me sort my feelings out. I was able to clarify everything - from anger, to blame, to "why me" kind of stuff. It was necessary to have someone objective when I was barely breathing.

It might help in your case. You can ask around if there are facilities that did things on a sliding scale, so you can afford it. Right now, your ego is bruised badly. You might feel so inadequate, so small, so unimportant even. It's natural. But don't let yourself stay in that slump. In order to move on, you must start loving yourself. That means you must take care of your soul, your spirit, your body. It means becoming your best friend, your advocate. No one else will do this for you but yourself.

Hope this helps. I wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Sun, 08-13-2006 - 12:11am

Believe me when I saw that you are not alone in all this. I am going through the very same thing that you are right now. Some days are better than others. I could be having a good day when all of the sudden BAM! I'm hit with the feeling of pain, unwanted, and all the other emotions that comes in the bundle. I could never take my STBX even if he came to me door right now and loving him like I do. I would always be uneasy and worried that he'd leave me all over again. I can't live my life like that. I, along with all those people going through this nightmare, deserve to feel safe, comfort, love, loyalty, and respect from the one that they love.

You might want to look into getting some counseling and be part of a support group in your area. My counselors and other members of my group therapy are one of the reasons I'm still here. They helped me get out my emotions and deal with them. They also made me not so alone because face it right now we feel like we're the only ones in this world that is going through this nightmare called divorce.

The one thing, however, that has helped me more than anything is prayer. You don't have to be in a church to pray. You can pray where ever and whenever you want. God hears you either way. Although I'm still wondering what it is, I know there is a purpose for everything including the pain and agony that people go through. In each experience there is a lesson to be learned. It shapes you in ways that if you had not gone through what you did it would not be possible. When you are feeling utterly alone and in pain, call on God and the heavens to help you. God will listen to everything you say including the emotions that are sometimes hard to put into words.

Good luck to you and I hope you start to feel life again. Hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Sun, 08-13-2006 - 4:45am

LOL, you haven't "babled on and on",...you have done what you had to to help express your emotions and feelings.

I can tell you that you are not alone in this at all. My marriage ended in separation after only 10 months, we were together about 2 years prior. I stil have all the same feelings that you have mentioned and believe me, it isn't any easier because it was a shorrer time.

The one thing I did also, was go to counseling for myself. My stbx had only wanted ME to attend initially (changed his story after I filed for divorce)...then said if he liked what he saw in me, he would consider going as a couple. That wasn't good enough for me, I deserved more than that for a marriage, and I too, didn't want to live with the fact that he may to do the same thing 2 months from now, and we would be back at square one.

Counseling helped me reconcile of a lot of my feelings toward him, the situation and myself. We do have a good working relationship and I do hope that he goes with me at least once, to get some things out and clarified for me...so I can move on. (I also think he really needs counseling on his own anyway, and he has admitted to this....yet done nothing about it, and it's just further proof for me that my decisions are right).

<> Just remember, you are not alone in this...since we were married so short a time, we had lots of plans under way, one being a home remodel, that we own tons of supplies for. They are all going in the home he is staying in though. Pictures, etc... I know exactly what else you mean by that statement.
If you once cared, and maybe still do, it just isn't easy. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 08-13-2006 - 8:42am


I think nearly every person going through a divorce feels this way at one point. Even in cases where they were largely miserable, there was abuse, etc. Going through a divorce is like experiencing a death - the death of a dream. Although it's painful, the best thing to do is feel these feelings and work through them. I know there are many people that seem just fine right after divorce papers have been filed, but most of them spent the time grieving while IN the marriage.


You are very wise to stay strong and not take him back - even though it's very painful.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2006
Sun, 08-13-2006 - 3:43pm
Thanks for your support. I actually am in therapy. My therapist even has me in a crisis group that starts next week. He said that they are there to help me get through it but unfortunately they can not take the pain away. :(
Most people that now know about the divorce feel sorry for me. But I am very lucky to have a few selected friends that have helped me and supported me. I feel that they have been able to help me not in taking away the pain but to help me remember all the good things that I do have. My appetite is very minimal and I've been waking up with panic attacks. I'm on Prozac and Xanax. I wonder if it's really helping. The roller coaster ride is really what gets to me. One minute I'll be balling my eyes out and the next minute I'm so angry and the next I'm completely numb. And it's literally moment by moment!
Thanks for responding!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2006
Sun, 08-13-2006 - 3:53pm
I'm glad that you mentioned prayer. I was thinking about going to church today but the one I'd go to, I might run into people I haven't seen in years and if they happened to see that I don't have my ring on anymore, they are likely to ask one too many questions. Why put myself in that horrible situation? I know that God can hear my prayers even if I don't go to church. There's a saying "God only gives you what you can handle." God must think that I can handle this but even knowing that, I can't help but feel so much pain. I just have keep going.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 5:17pm

People sometimes do not know how to react when they find out about the divorce. It is natural for them to feel sorry for you. How you react is what you control. Just remember that you're doing something good for yourself. And believe in that!

The roller coaster ride is horrible to say the least. Sad but true - it really will take time. Sometimes, you cannot even take things a day at a time. It gets so tough that you can only do things half a day at a time. There are times when you might wake up from sleep sobbing. I know, I was there. Just remember to take care of yourself. Denial and suppression only delay the positive, and that positive is you emerging as a survivor. You may feel like the victim now, but hopefully, you'll find that you do have the choice to turn things around. Hopefully, you will feel empowered and see yourself as a survivor.

Your friends are wonderful in supporting you. It will take time. It will take courage to believe that you deserve a fresh start. It means believing that you are NOT a victim.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 12:18pm
I have filed for divorce recently and it's been the worst time of my life. My H was my best friend, my confidant, my partner. Things have been rocky for sometime now but 6 months ago I didn't see us getting a divorce. I just hope the pain ends soon too. Every day is a struggle.And to make matters worse he tries to make me feel bad for filing for divorce although plenty of times he has said that's what he wants. We have a toddler together and i'm just hoping I'm making the best choice for our child.
Kelly
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 1:15pm
I married my ex after going steady for 5 years and we were married for over 10 years. I truly empathise and understand what you're going through.
Your ex is making you feel worse by putting the blame on you, and he is also hurting. It is not exactly the best reaction from him, but he will react his way. You can control how you react toward that. There are two sides to any story and playing the blame game is a great way to stay stagnant. Rise above that. Try to ignore such rantings from him. This is you trying to rebuild. As tempting as it is to justify your actions with him, don't do it. He is emotional as well you are. No one really listens well when they are wrapped up in such a tirade.
You have a precious child who must grow up with a good role model. Believe it or not, I was a preschool teacher for over 12 years and I LOVED it. My experience, though, has shown me that parents staying together as a couple for the sake of the children is not always best. Just think, you and your ex will be role models for this little one. What life lessons do you wish to teach? Believe me, thse kids are smart and they pick up on nuances. They learn so much form the parents, and if you're not in shape as one, then you'll be hurting the development of your child. I think it is really sad to see a child grow up in an unhealthy and apathetic manner. I have seen kids flourish in single parents situation as well as the traditional setting. "Home is where the heart is" as they say, and there is no home without love and respect for everyone in it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 1:45pm
Thanks, you're right. I can control my reactions to what he says and I have to remind myself of that. And you've also given great advice about our child. I don't want her to have the marriage I have been through. My H can be verbally abusive, controlling, critical, blaming, and it's exhausting being with him. I don't want my child to have a marriage like that. But if that's all she has ever known, it's quite likely she will do the same thing. I guess things will slowly get better.
Kelly

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