When will the pain go away?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
When will the pain go away?
16
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 7:50pm
We've been married for 2 and a half years. He said that he was unhappy and did not want to be married anymore. He was tired of it all and he left. Where was this coming from? This wasn't the first time he's walked out. The last time he did, he had even started to get the paperwork for divorce going. But he came back and he said that we could try to work things out. And I thought we were. I even told a friend two days before he left that we were doing good and that I thought we were getting back on track. But he hit me with a curve ball. He doesn't even want to be separated and see, just wants to get straight to the divorce. But at the same time, I know that this is probably for the best and that I can't make a marriage work on my own. If he's given up, whatever I do will not matter. But even knowing this, it still hurts. We talked civilly the other day and we both know it's time to move on. Yet, it still hurts. I still love him and I'm still IN love with him. I've told myself that I could never take him back even if he begged because he can't guarantee that he will never walk out again and I can't bear to be put through it again. I feel so torn inside.
I'm going to be served papers today. I'm expecting it and I already know what it says. But I still have a knot in my stomach. And I've been packing up my stuff in the house. He's living at his mom's house right now and just waiting for me to get my stuff out so that he can get his. Everywhere I turn, I'm reminded of our life together, all that we've gone through -good and bad and of all the dreams we had - the plans we had talked about for the future. I'm losing weight by the second. I joke about how I can stand to lose a few pounds but even when I try to eat, it just tastes so bland. I haven't been able to eat much.
I know I've babbled on and on but anything anyone can offer me would be greatly appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 2:16pm
Kelly!
So glad to read what you recently posted! People bring a bundle of joy to this world, and sadly, some forget that what they do and say are life lessons to their children. Children live what they learn. If you say "A" but do "B", then you're being inconsistent. That would be just awful for the kids. Integrity matters.
You seem like a strong woman underneath all of that struggle. I know it hurts like crazy at times, but trust me, all that pang and angst WILL subside. Allow yourself to be vulnerable too, but just don't fall into the "woe is me" role.
Your little one would be most lucky if you continue to live like a healthy woman. Emotions are healthy. It is how we react to them which matters.
I am cheering for you!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 2:31pm
Thanks for your support. I don't feel very strong but am just trying to do what needs to be done. It's encouraging to know a lot of these feelings will go away. And I have to remember to keep going on for my child.
Thanks again,
Kelly
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 4:37pm

hi Gina.
what you say is sooo real, so true, that it brought tears to my eyes.

Anyway you look at it, it is hard - as hard as mourning someone. Mourning our dreams of a life that will never be.

Yet, you have to look beyond that, you have to look at the futures opening up. Maybe not right away, but in just a little time, you will heal, and you will walk your own path and make your life better. You will have new dreams - dreams that would never have been possible - with other people, dreams of life, of love, of work...

You are at a cross-road. It is very tough. You have to remember that what is gone, is gone, and that this is opening to a new future.

I wish you all the best, and lots of strength for the upcoming days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 4:54pm
Thank you for your support. I keep trying to move...pack up, clean up, do anything to keep moving. It's when I stop that my mind start racing. I know that I just need to remember that I can get beyond this and become a better person even when the hurt is so bad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 6:37pm
OMG Gina it sounds like my life right now, I also was separated from my husband for almost 6 months and then he said he wanted back, did the crying and I love you stuff. I was and am still in Love with him so I said yes..... Well it lasted 2 1/2 months and he said sometimes he wants to be here and sometimes he doesn't.He said sometimes I'm a bitch, so I asked if that was when he was in a chat room or was it when he was in an IM with another women...or was it every Friday nite when he went to the bar. Well I gave him the ultamatium that he stays and gives 100% or he has to leave. Well his answer was I guess I have to leave. So he packed his stuff all 3 trips to his car and left. Yesterday he came back for his motorcyle (thank god I was at work) and off he went into the sunset... I also know this is the best thing but it is sooooo very hard to deal with. I hope time will heal and both you and I will look at this very differently in the future. Good luck and keep pushing along... Kathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 12:01am

I want to thank you for your post. The replies that I have read alone give me so much hope and remind me that we are all feeling the same things.

I too am struggling after my husband deciding to end our 19 year marriage. I am completely heart broken, my marriage was more difficult than good and I've known for years it needed to end but it has not stopped the pain or tears.

I will tell you that my girls are much older 13, 16 and 18. I will tell you my two older girls sat me down months ago and told me that they had wanted this for years. They told me that the did not want me to be with him any more and that they wanted us to have a better life. They want this for both their dad and I. My oldest daughter and I have had long talks about everything and what they have felt for so many years bothers me. When they were younger I wanted to leave and I wanted to give them a better life, I just never knew they wanted the same thing.

Even with all of this it still hurts me terribly that it's over. We have still been friends during our seperation, and he was thinking of coming home just a few weeks ago. I never expected what is now happening and I certainly never expected another woman, it was never his style. He did not even cheat on his girlfriends and he never cheated on me.

Stay strong, I know I am tired of hearing that there is someone out there for me but I have to believe even if there is not that there is a better life for me. I have to keep believing that although this dream has ended and that maybe it's too late now to give my girls a better life that maybe just maybe they will get to see me happier and finally enjoying life.

You can too, the pain has to get easier, listen to all of the people who have been telling you this. They too are feeling the same pain and I believe them when they say it gets easier and that there is another life out there somewhere!!

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