where are all my friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
where are all my friends?
2
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 12:53pm

i have been lurking here occasionally...my d is just about final, just gotta sign off on the property settlement agreement...there is something that is really bothering me.
there is a group of four girls that i've known since high school (one since 2nd grade), and we've always been extremely close.

they're all moms now, and since i separated from my husband, i hardly hear from any of them at all. it has been extremely lonely throughout my separation. i have reached out to my friends, saying that i need them in my life...and i get messages that i don't understand how busy it is, being a mom. maybe i don't.

we used to have get-togethers...and i was driving down there over an hour to meet up for an hour/two and then drive back. no one takes me up on my invites to come up to where i live...and the offer is always open, weekends, weeknights, i don't care. i don't care if they want to bring their kids, husbands...whomever. i miss them.

they don't have any clue how lonely it gets and how much support you need when you make the decision to leave your marriage.

i can't help but feel deserted by the women who i thought were my closest friends. i find myself getting angry about it. my head says, if they were really your friends, they would make time for you, at least even just to send a quick email to say hello.

what if i had cancer? or another illness? i can't help but think they would be prioritizing their time differently...or at least i like to think so. to me, that's crap, because life is so short anyway. what difference does it make? when a friend needs you, you are there for them.

i don't know how to deal with this, except grieve their loss, too. i know that sometimes friends come and go when relationships end, but my closest friends? sometimes i am sadder about that than i am about my marriage ending.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 6:07pm
I am an older woman going thru this divorce, and you sound much younger than I so I may not be much help. Sometimes friendships fluctuate over the years because people are in such different places in their lives. When my parents were ill and dying my closest friend of over 25 years (and that was 18 years ago) was not there for me. Her children were young, and her life was extremely busy. Plus, unless somebody is walking in your shoes, they just don't get it. If you continue to ask for help, and they do not respond, seek out and make other friends. They may come back; they may not. My friend and I are close once again, because in the past few years her parents became ill and one died. She said to me, I am so sorry I was not there for you, but thank you for not judging me on that behavior. She really did not have a frame of reference to understand my pain, until it happened to her. I guarantee that if one of your friends suddenly suffered thru a separation, the clouds would part, and you would be the wise one who would be asked for help. I also feel that married young women suffer from the "contagion" fear; if it happened to her, can I catch it? So best wishes, and I am sorry for all that pain. This is so not fun....
Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 10:03pm

Hi...

I completely sympathize with the troubles you're having with your friends right now... like you, I was one of three friends from high school, who even though we lived in separate cities and states (for a while at least), we were still really close...

During my separation, I found that I rarely heard from either of these two people... and that was hard, as I don't know that I've felt more alone... One of them was an attorney and she gave me some general legal advice (just as friends) about things I should be careful with and from that point on, things were never quite the same... she worked for a legal aid office working with divorce cases that involved abuse, so she saw a lot of the worst of the worst... and I truly think that at some point, she started seeing me as one of "them," the people she represented, instead of as me, her friend of more than ten years... we now are in contact but didn't do more than exchange Christmas Cards last year... she's a doctor's wife and a sahm now and I'm a divorced mom who has to work... I guess it feels as if we don't have as much in common anymore...

The previous poster is right... situations and people change... and as they do friendships evolve for the good or bad... some things pull some closer, some create distance... and it can be hard... and also like she said, some happily married couples will avoid those going through divorce because of the "it could happen to us" thing... both could be reasons, or the children could be making it quite hectic in their corners of the world...

Even though it is hard, try to meet some new friends in the area... who know the "you" you are now and have some things in common... you never know... once the storm of the divorce blows through, they may come back... or not... but either way, you'll be building your new support system...

Sending hugs as I know how hard it all can be...

Julie