Where do I go from here?

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Where do I go from here?
19
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 1:17pm

I am sitting here in an absolute state of shock and disbelief. What started out as our "normal" Sunday trip to target turned into an incident that I wish I could just forget. We were in the toy aisle and Joey was showing Mom and I the toys he liked and was hoping he'd get from Santa. We were tucking one or two here and there under our coats to get for him, from Santa, as we went along. But we couldn't spend all day in the toy aisles, so we started walking to the other end of the store, with Joey and he saw one of the items, a Coast Guard type rescue helicopter that my coat wasn't completely covering up from the angle he was at...

Once he saw it the whining begun... how he wanted it today. I wasn't in the mood, and told him that he would be getting it in a few weeks for Christmas and not before. The whining continued, almost to a temper tantrum like state. I then told him he could earn it by getting 10 or more each day on his 14 item behavior chart from school this week and he could have it Friday... but that didn't work either, and only made the whining worse. Finally I had enough--I told him to be quiet about it or it was going back on the shelf. He wasn't quiet, so I found a nice tall shelf to put it back on. He went ballistic and started trying to climb up the front of the shelf, so I picked him up, to leave Target, as this was just not working this morning and that's when it started.

He grabbed handfuls of hair with each of his hands and pulled in opposite directions. The pain I felt as my hair was ripped out took me to my knees. Once on my knees, my mom tried to pry him off of me, but she was unable to do so. After what seemed like forever, but probably wasn't, a team member came up and asked if she could help--she did help us get him off of me and him into one of our two carts and then helped pick me up off the floor--I couldn't get off the floor because I was shaking so badly. My mom had to physically hold him down in the cart as he was pushing to stand up and tried to get free. One time she let go of an arm and Joey punched me. The team member called for security, at my request. A lot of the rest was a blur, but Joey did punch me one more time before security got there. The security man talked to him and I for about 20 minutes, explaining that hitting was wrong, that he had no right to disrespect me, etc. I told Joey that if an adult had done the same thing to me, the police would be called, in an attempt to explain just how horrid his actions were. Joey refused to say he was sorry until we made him--and even then he said that he "was sorry for NOT pulling my hair" and for "NOT punching me." WTF? Eventually he got what we were trying to tell him about what he needed to say to apologize... and did so and then fell asleep a few minutes later...

But now, I'm here at home and I don't know what to do? I am going to call his child psychologist first thing tomorrow morning to advise him of the situation, but I am at a loss. Do I call my x and let him know or do I continue on the bad behavior is an attempt to get xh's attention, therefore he shouldn't know? How will he look at this--she can't even parent effectively--or I need to get more involved? I'm just so tired... and my head hurts... it still feels like half of it is being pulled in one direction while the other half is going the other way... and I don't even know if I want him in my house right now--I can't say that I feel safe around him. I've cried a bunch of times since the attack, about an hour ago--I cried in the check out... I cried on the way home and I'm crying again now...

Where do I go from here? (other than crazy, because I'm all ready there)

Julie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 2:55pm

Oh Julie,


A call to the psychologist is definitely in order... even BEFORE you take him to school.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 6:20pm
Julie, Sweetie, Is there anyway you can contact his counselor today? I think Joey needs an appointment in the morning. This needs to be delt with immediately. You can't go on living afraid of him. It's only going to get worse as he gets older. His behavior is escalating and I am worried about you. What he is displaying is not normal post diovrce behavior? He has gone beyond that even if it is just to get your ex's attention. If he is like my ex the child could set the neighbors dog on fire and there would be no reaction. I wouldn't tell him at this point. You are not a failure as a Mother. This has nothing to do with your parenting skills.
For tonight, take care of you. Focus on you as much as possible. What you have been through is very tramatic. You will hopefully gets some answers in the morning.
I will keep you and Joey in my prayers. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 8:22pm
Julie, I'm so sorry this happened to you today. I don't have much advice to offer other than what the others have said to call his counselor first thing in the morning. Hang in there, Julie, you're a good mom who is trying to do everything she can to make sure her child is healthy and happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 9:45pm

*hug* I agree with all the responses here! Call Joey's counselor ASAP and don't take him to school tomorrow. Don't call his father. Why open THAT can of worms?? You've got enough on your mind. BUT..... go in and watch him sleep. That's what I do when the girls' try my patience. Watching them sleep reminds me that they CAN be angels.

I also agree with Karen's assessment.... It's either Dr. Phil or that SuperNanny show where they say Consequences Are Everything. If the kid acts up in the store, you just leave. Right then and there and only explain that until the child can behave in public, there will BE no public. I did it once. Caused me to be off my routine for 3 days until I finished the shopping I couldn't finish WITH child, but she learned a lesson.

My heart bleeds for you, Julie. It's hard being the parent that gets stomped on when you're the one doing everything right!

c

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 7:16am

OHHHHH, I am sooo sorry that such a scene came up... just when one would like to settle in happy season's preparations, enjoying down times...

Learning boundery is very hard for little ones, and each is different. YOurs is going through hard times...
Calling the dad depends on the actual situation: if I read the other answers (guessing that they know you better.... ), it may be not a good idea unless he is able to help rather than generate problems. Definitely, if the goal is getting attention, Joey is getting plenty!!! grrrr.

You should find a way to take good care of yourself. I am sure that you are blaming yourself for not being able to defuse this better, but I don't think you could have done anything different.

I hope the psychologist helps you to find a way to communicate better with him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 12:53pm

Julie - I am so sorry that this happened. My heart goes out to you it really really does. Clearly Joey's anger goes way beyond the way most children would react over a desired toy. I trust that you an appointment with your counsellor today. I will check back to see how that goes. It really seems to me that you are doing all that you can within your power to try and help him cope. Hang in there, you have received some great advice and support here. Sending reinforement (((((hugs))))) for back up.

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
Avatar for momtojoeybear
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 7:03pm

First of all, I want to tell everyone thank you for their responses of support and advice. And Karen, it was so sweet of you to call! :) To update everyone, I called the psychologist this morning at about 8AM. Unfortunately, I have yet to hear from him, much to my dismay. I will call him again tomorrow morning--believe me, if I do not have a return call from him, it will be the FIRST thing I discuss with him on Thursday.

I am also sorry to say that I can still feel my head--meaning I can still feel the areas of pressure where my hair was being pulled in opposite directions. I'm not sure how much of this is physical pain and how much of this is emotional, but it still hurts, nonetheless...

And despite what many of you wrote, I did send him to school today. He got 8 out of 14 on his chart today, with one open blank, who knows how he did area... As we were driving to school today, I told him he had two rules to follow today--1) Keep your hands to yourself and 2) Listen and do what you're told. Then, on my way out, I stopped and spoke with the principal--we talked about 15 minutes in her office and I went through everything that happened and my plan of attack, which may include me pulling him out of school for an appointment. She seemed fine with me bringing him today. And I am pleased that he broke the 50% threshold on his behavior chart today.

Now I'm struggling with where I go from here--Christmas is in a few weeks and I am thinking of scaling back what has been purchased considerably. Possibly returning some of it, or holding on to it for a Valentine's Day present, an Easter present, etc... One of my friends at work had the idea to have Santa write him a letter, letting him know that there was more where that came from, but he saw what happened in Target and couldn't bring everything--and that he would be watching him extra close this next year to make sure that he was being good... I think that is a great idea... but I'm trying to figure out exactly what to say, etc. I mean, this was a ~huge~ incident--you don't know how many men I've spoken to who tell me that he should be glad that he's not theirs... and I don't want Joey thinking that he can do this and still be considered good in Santa's eyes, kwim?

Anyway, that's my update as it stands now... I'm still exhausted, but can now stand to have Joey in the same room as I am or even next to me, which is a big step from where I was yesterday. I went to lunch with a friend of mine who used to lead group therapy sessions at one of our local hospitals psych wards and we had a nice lunch talking about things and what I had been through and how I was feeling, about myself and I'm really not beating myself up right now, I'm just kinda numb and scared for Joey and about how I feel about Joey.

I also bought a book that had been recommended to me, The Explosive Child, by Dr. Greene of Harvard Medical School. I'm hoping to gain some insight and some more ideas there...

I will keep you posted. Thanks again for your support--I truly cannot tell you how much it means to me!

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 7:19pm

Oh Julie! What a great idea about Christmas!!! You're right..... such behavior shouldn't be rewarded (inadvertently or not) with a plethora of presents from Santa. Gifts will keep until Valentines Day and Easter and even a birthday! But what I think will make the BIGGEST impression is a letter from Santa. I'd go out and get a sheet or two of holiday paper and have a male coworker copy it for you. (Don't do it yourself! Mush to my surprise, Rosie recognized that the Tooth Fairy wrote "almost exactly like Mom!") You can even say something about his behavior in school and perhaps that'll encourage him to keep behavior in check there, too.

Baby steps. You can't fix it today or tomorrow, so just keep plugging away.

*more hugs and positive thoughts!*

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

Avatar for momtojoeybear
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 8:48pm

Yeah, the Santa letter idea was one from a co-worker and I love it. She said that her husband wrote the one for their son and she volunteered him for Joey's. Then my boss chimed in with an offer of "special" paper for it... so its a group effort at the office.

I do want to give him a few things, but a lot of it can wait... I've got some things like books and puzzles that I wouldn't mind giving to him now... Even when he loses all of his toys he still has his books and puzzles.

The one that I can't decide what to do with is the L-Max. I want to give it to him because it will make the trip to and from NY easier for him... but at the same time, that is the big present this year and I don't know if I ~should~ give it to him...

The other piece of the puzzle that is adding more stress to this entire situation at home is that my grandfather's death has finally started to hit my Mom... on the way to Target yesterday, she admitted that she cannot write December as the month, because it means he's really gone... and she's worried about the trip up to NY too, as bringing his death that much more present... I asked her if she could, without regard for anyone else's happiness, wake up on Christmas happy, where would she be and she said that she'd wake up on a beach in HI... which I wish I could pull together for her, but it really is short notice... so I think we're taking an MLK weekend trip somewhere... perhaps to Charleston or maybe FL... we'll just have to see... but she feels like she needs to get away...

I just hate that this is all hitting all at once... ugh, when it rains it truly pours!

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 10:03pm

Hummm..... OK, scaling back Christmas might not be so.... overwhelming for him... but the letter?... I don't think that would be appropriate.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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