Where do I go from here?
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| Sun, 12-10-2006 - 1:17pm |
I am sitting here in an absolute state of shock and disbelief. What started out as our "normal" Sunday trip to target turned into an incident that I wish I could just forget. We were in the toy aisle and Joey was showing Mom and I the toys he liked and was hoping he'd get from Santa. We were tucking one or two here and there under our coats to get for him, from Santa, as we went along. But we couldn't spend all day in the toy aisles, so we started walking to the other end of the store, with Joey and he saw one of the items, a Coast Guard type rescue helicopter that my coat wasn't completely covering up from the angle he was at...
Once he saw it the whining begun... how he wanted it today. I wasn't in the mood, and told him that he would be getting it in a few weeks for Christmas and not before. The whining continued, almost to a temper tantrum like state. I then told him he could earn it by getting 10 or more each day on his 14 item behavior chart from school this week and he could have it Friday... but that didn't work either, and only made the whining worse. Finally I had enough--I told him to be quiet about it or it was going back on the shelf. He wasn't quiet, so I found a nice tall shelf to put it back on. He went ballistic and started trying to climb up the front of the shelf, so I picked him up, to leave Target, as this was just not working this morning and that's when it started.
He grabbed handfuls of hair with each of his hands and pulled in opposite directions. The pain I felt as my hair was ripped out took me to my knees. Once on my knees, my mom tried to pry him off of me, but she was unable to do so. After what seemed like forever, but probably wasn't, a team member came up and asked if she could help--she did help us get him off of me and him into one of our two carts and then helped pick me up off the floor--I couldn't get off the floor because I was shaking so badly. My mom had to physically hold him down in the cart as he was pushing to stand up and tried to get free. One time she let go of an arm and Joey punched me. The team member called for security, at my request. A lot of the rest was a blur, but Joey did punch me one more time before security got there. The security man talked to him and I for about 20 minutes, explaining that hitting was wrong, that he had no right to disrespect me, etc. I told Joey that if an adult had done the same thing to me, the police would be called, in an attempt to explain just how horrid his actions were. Joey refused to say he was sorry until we made him--and even then he said that he "was sorry for NOT pulling my hair" and for "NOT punching me." WTF? Eventually he got what we were trying to tell him about what he needed to say to apologize... and did so and then fell asleep a few minutes later...
But now, I'm here at home and I don't know what to do? I am going to call his child psychologist first thing tomorrow morning to advise him of the situation, but I am at a loss. Do I call my x and let him know or do I continue on the bad behavior is an attempt to get xh's attention, therefore he shouldn't know? How will he look at this--she can't even parent effectively--or I need to get more involved? I'm just so tired... and my head hurts... it still feels like half of it is being pulled in one direction while the other half is going the other way... and I don't even know if I want him in my house right now--I can't say that I feel safe around him. I've cried a bunch of times since the attack, about an hour ago--I cried in the check out... I cried on the way home and I'm crying again now...
Where do I go from here? (other than crazy, because I'm all ready there)
Julie

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Julie, I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time! I really feel for both you and your DS. I am glad you are getting him help to deal with it.
I had to weigh in on the letter from Santa, though. I agree with Karen; it doesn't sound like a good idea to me at all. Your DS sounds like he is acting out impulsively and without any forethought. Would he likely be able to change that behavior based on getting unspecified rewards at an unspecified time in the future? It is more likely that he would be unhappy and angry on Christmas day, and more inclined to act out.
Also, you said "...I don't want Joey thinking that he can do this and still be considered good in Santa's eyes.." Joey is only five years old, right? He obviously needs to apologise and do whatever he can to make amends to you, but after that, he needs to be forgiven. He IS still fundamentally good, even if he is having a very hard time controlling himself. You wouldn't want him to start considering himself a bad kid, would you?
Just my 2 cents... I hope you come through this very soon.
Rebecca
I'm so sorry that Joey is struggling right now. I'm sure you've talked to the counselor by now, but I have to say that I agree with Karen. I wouldn't put so many eggs in one basket. He may need help learning how to control his impulsivity and making Santa the enforcer could affect him for years to come. I'm not a big Santa person. We don't do Santa in our house, but bringing him into the mix seems like a lot of pressure for a 5 year old. I'm all for discipline. That toy would have been long gone at Target. You did the right thing but I'm not sure how far reaching you want the consequences to go. My almost 5 year old is so stressed out about the divorce, family situations, Christmas that we're way simplifying this year. He'll get his big gift (also the Leapster LMAX) but not a lot of superfluous stuff that will just get him wired. Also, dad will be of no help in our situation so I'm not going to let him add fuel to the fire. Every time I suggest that one of our 3 sons is suffering due to the divorce he responds with "they'll be fine".
Julie~
Thinking of you... any feedback from the psychologist?
hugs~
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
We went to the psych last night and it was another good session. Sunday at Target was brought up and he asked Joey why he did it and Joey said that he did it because he wanted a toy on Sunday and didn't want to wait until Christmas... then Joey looked up at me and said, isn't that right Momma, to which I responded, that's how I remember it...
The psych went into time outs and used one of his big stuffed animals to illustrate what a time out is... also showed us how he teaches people to restrain someone who is just running around tantruming... he has used this technique over and over again (in previous assignments where he worked at children's mental homes, etc) and has never once had a complaint from a child, pre-teen or even teenager about the technique hurting in anyway whatsoever afterwards, and he says that if you do it that way specifically, that it works, so if the situation presents itself, I may give it a shot, but there is a piece of it, and I'm not sure what it is, that I'm not so sure about...
I also gave him a copy of Joey's behavior report from Wednesday for his files. I'm quite frustrated, as I have mentioned before with his teacher and the situation at school and the report from Wed made me feel even worse. I have a friend who is currently writing her dissertation for her PhD in Education and has worked with young children before and has a five year old (just like Joey) and I've been sending her the notes and she has been providing some feedback, from an outside point of view and has been sending me articles and giving me some ideas on how to approach some of my concerns with the teacher... I was talking with my xmil about it last night and at one point she broke down in tears because prior to him starting pre-K she had mentioned wanting him to go to her school, where she works, but it really would be inconvienent, so we didn't... but she has been talking to the para-pro there about Joey's experience and how disappointed we are and she is certain that he would be doing better there, and I can't say that I disagree... but the hard thing was at one point she was in tears over it... and that's hard... I feel bad enough about everything, but to hear it affecting her this way too, it breaks my heart on a whole new level...
Julie
So did the psychologist ask Joey if he thought his behavior was the kind of behavior one would use if they wanted a "favor"--wanted a toy early?
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Julie - First of all, wow! I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. I just quit my job at a children's mental health agency after 3 years, and I can PERFECTLY relate to the behaviors your talking about. Although I can't imagine how it feels coming from your OWN child. I don't know what the relationship is like between you and your ex, but my suggestion is that the two of you go to a family counselor together first. (Probably recommended by your sons psychologist - or the psych. him/herself if s/he does that kind of thing) Come up with a "parenting plan" that is consistant in BOTH households. Then bring your son in to the next session - as a FAMILY (you are still a family, no matter what people tell you because you share a son, and you are HIS family) Then explain what you've decided and then stick to it.
My dad and his ex-wife had the same problem with my youngest brother. Kenny lived with his mom. Everytime he threw a tantrum (he was a big boy, and was capable of doing physical harm to her) She would call dad and he would come over and handle the discipline. The problem was, he saw this as a way to get dad to show up. Is your son getting enough time with his dad on a regular basis? Does he feel like he can call or visit his dad whenever he wants? If not, maybe he's creating a reason for dad to come running. We also had this same problem at the center. Kids who were out of control during group therapy got sent to their therapists office. There they got one on one time with a caring adult. DUH! The kids starting goig insane during group. Why? There was a reward at the end of the tantrum.
Again, I don't know your situation. I don't know how reliable your ex is, or how well you communicate. But I know the behavior you're talking about very well. This is also a hard time of year for parents. Kids want EVERYTHING and advertisers are no help. Good luck. My best advice is get try to figure this out now. It only gets worse as they get older - and BIGGER :) Good luck to you! And Merry Christmas!
Thank you for your input... unfortunately, doing anything as a "family" is difficult if we are trying to include xh as he lives several states away and chooses to not see Joey that often--the last time was in May of this year. In the almost three years we've been divorced, my xh has gone more than a year without seeing him. He didn't want visitation or holidays, therefore they are all mine... the only day he has is Father's Day and he is responsible for both pick up and delivery.
The relationship, therefore, due to distance is non-existant. He hasn't even called me to discuss Christmas presents for Joey... and that's OK. We are still close to my xil's--see them every weekend we're in town and most holidays, unless I'm going out of town--this will be the first Christmas since he was born that we won't be at their house for part of Christmas. What I'm trying to say here, is that he doesn't know his father well, but he does still know the rest of that family, which I feel is important.
I tell my son that he can call his father whenever he wants too... as long it is as a reasonable hour--he's one hour behind us, time zone wise, so I try to keep in during normal "awake" hours... but he doesn't ask to call him often. Sometimes I will ask him if he wants to call and there's a 50% chance a call will be made, based on Joey's decision. There was a time when I thought he was acting out to get his father's attention (ie, to get me to call him), but when I figured that out, I stopped making that call--he's 10 (or so) hours from here, I think... I haven't made that drive in a while... its hard for him to do much from there--he doesn't send Joey letters... or postcards from his city... does not call on a regular schedule...
Its sad, but I can't control his actions... Anyway, I do really appreciate your input. I do wish that things were different between my xh and our son, but they are what they are. I hope that you and yours have a Merry Christmas as well!
Julie
My son has been acting out aggresively since his dad left us. His tantrums are to the extreme. He scratches himself in the head and hits his head in the wall. Screams bloody murder for his dad. All because I took him off of the computer. He is only 4 and this can't be good. I have talked to his dad about it and he says get him in therapy. He just doesn't realize it is so much worse since he has left.
My only advice is to continue therapy for him. Tell your x about it and see how he reacts. If he shows no interest, don't tell him anymore about it. I don't know your relatioonship with him and if it is a good one or not. Just stick by your son and let him know you do love him.
That's what I am doing. I no longer let my son call his dad when he cries for him because he never answers his phone. He is basically out of the picture.
good luck.
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