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Where do I start?
| Mon, 06-26-2006 - 1:45pm |
I have been reading this message board for a while and have found a lot of things helpful and decided to post a message. I have been married for over 13 years (married when I was 19) and we survived just about everything (an affair on his part, seperation, sickness) that a relationship can go through. A couple of months ago he came to me and said he wanted a divorce. That he didn't love me anymore like he used to...I feel so shocked, hurt, betrayed...my emotions have gone through a tailspin and is just out of control right now. I have sought counseling but the hurt is just so much...how do you stop loving someone who doesn't love you?? How do let go of all your dreams and future plans that you have? I know it is all still "new" but I can't seem to get past the pain and feeling of hopelessness. Any advise would be great.

straawberrymom2006...
When one partner (and it doesn't matter if that partner is MALE or FEMALE) approaches the other with the words: "I want a divorce"...there are usually reasons behind the sentence.
Pianoguy was approached by wife #1 after 16 years of marriage and it was she who filed the petition for divorce. But "the 2nd time around", PG went through the process after learning that his wife of 15 months had been seriously dallying around with at least one man from another state!
DIVORCE was the only choice I had.
While it's entirely possible YOU haven't "stopped loving your husband", I'm sure he has a few reasons of his own why he has 'lost his love for you?'
Irregardless of whether he does the filing or if you do....the 2 of you will have to go through the "mediation" process TOGETHER! This could be as many as 3 sessions before the decree of divorce is officially on the books. Sometimes..."past stuff" comes out during a mediation that one partner was completely unaware of? Ironically...when a couple is confronted by this sort of knowledge, they often choose to postpone (or rethink) their decision to divorce?
Just for the heck of it...take out a pad of paper and a pen...and write down all the reasons why your husband MIGHT want to divorce you? Then, if you have the courage, show him your list? But don't him with it at the end of a stressed out workday. Try to catch him when he's willing to spare an hour and talk to you CALMLY!
Once your husband gets the chance to 'read your honest feelings', he might be convinced to put his decision 'on hold' for a month or more? This will give you BOTH the chance to get some counselling?
GOOD LUCK!
Pianoguy
HUGS and welcome. A wise woman on this board once said that time does help heal wounds, but it is also important what you do with that time. You're going to counseling, which is a great first step. Love doesn't just disappear overnight. Sometimes, it never does. But you do learn to move on, I promise. Make sure you're taking the time to care for yourself. I know these seem like simple things, but make sure you eat well, make an effort to get enough rest, lean on family or friends for support....etc.
I know for me, the loss of the vision I had for the future was most painful. Then I realized that vision I had wasn't even close to the reality I was living.
Lastly, I know it seems like nothing good can come from a divorce. However, you can use this as a stepping stone for positive change and growth. I will tell you honestly, in the end, my divorce truly changed my life for the better. Hang in there.
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