Where do u draw the line from being....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Where do u draw the line from being....
10
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 3:43pm

toooo nice and being a fool.

Many of you know my story. An ex from hell pretty much. But we have a 3 yr old. With all the drama the first two pickups and the third being the complete opposite I have to say Im very happy we both at least for now got things in perspective. The baby is the most important thing here.

However, Ive always been the one to end up being the bigger person, wave the white flag so to speak. But I wonder where do you draw the line from always being that person to doing it and just being a fool. Or your ex will be a huge jerk knowing that YOU will eventually again wave the white flag and try to bring some peace. My ex got some mail at my house and not realizing I opened it only to find out it's his about some jewelry he pawned and will be sold if he doesnt send a payment by 4/01/06.

I want to do the right thing here. Ofcourse my mom says burn it. LOL. She is still very angry and I dont blame her. I dont want to fight with my ex, I mean we still have at least 15yrs of having to deal with each other and used to be very much in love at one point. I still and always will care for him for the good things he gave me. My son. I know he hurting and is dealing with it horribly. I heard something from Correta Scott King, that fight hate with hate. I truly believe that is true. I was thinking about sending him copies of the baby's pictures from x-mas, the first ones done in a studio. I cant imagine not being able to see the baby everyday so with that in mind it must be hard for him and I think deep down inside he's really angry at himself because he knows he threw away a great family.

So what do I do. Forward the letter, with some pics and a simple note like I dont want to fight with you. Or just throw it away and dont try to make things any better.

What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 4:12pm

Hi,
I will offer you some advice as I am going through the same issues with my STBX. He is very very angry with me even though it was his infidelity and controlling nature that caused our marraige to deteriorate.
I too will always love the man he was and the man I know he can be but I will always be sad that he can't and won't ever change. Even though it's only been 8 months since our seperation and he has and still does mean things,I have decided that the best thing for my 3 year old daughter and myself is to let the anger go. You can still be hurt, and mourn for the love you had, for the life you always wanted, the family you wanted for your child. This will take a long time to get over. The hate, and anger and bitterness towards him that he shows you every day will destroy you, your day to day existance, and your ability to be a good parent to your child.

It takes a strong person to turn the other cheek, to come back and take it over and over again. But, you are strong and your child sees that. Give him the papers. Don't offer pictures unless he has asked. It isn't your responsibility to make him a good parent, or make him want something or act a certain way that he is unable to do now or in the future. When and if he is ready, he can ask you for them. Also, don't write a note of forgiveness. You need to look at what happened on your end in your marraige and accept your faults and move on. He might just not be ready or able to see what you do.
I read a great article about co-parenting. They said that children need to know that both "parts" ( mommy and daddy) of them are "good". So the best thing you can do is not say anything negative about daddy. I have been trying to show my daughter things about her that are just like "daddy". Like her smile, the way she walks...i also tell her how proud her daddy will be when we tell him how great she did with her colors, or numbers. That way she knows that her other "part" is a good one too.

I hope this helps. It has helped me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 4:19pm
forward his mail to him. If you want to pass along some pictures too, that would be nice. As i come across pictures I think ex might like to have of our son I give them to him. And his mail is his mail. If I ever get a stray piece of it I give that to him too. My mom does the same thing yours does about holding on to the hate, but seriously you have to get past the hate. Not healthy for anyone to hold on to it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 4:46pm

I wouldn't forward the letter, especially since you opened it. He probably knows when the jewelry will be sold and does not have the money to go get it. That is kind of an embarassing situation and if he knows that you discovered it he might be resentful.

I would just make it a habit to send him a few pics whenever you have them taken. We have always done this, if we take the kids to have pics done we always send a few to mom. I send her our family Christmas card with the boys pics in them and include a few extras if she wants to pass them along. BM never reciprocates this and never gives us pics of the boys. I don't know why and it has stopped bothering me a long time ago. Maybe she doesn't think about it, maybe she doesn't want to share, maybe they never get pics done because they can't afford it.

As for always being the one to keep the peace, I would rather be that person than the other. I do the things I do FOR ME, not for anyone else. You mentioned Coretta Scott King, she was a neat lady. There is another gal that I have read a lot on and her name is Anne Lammott, she is an author and peace activist. She says that every one of us has a responsibility to treat every other human being with love and compassion and kindness. If the other person does not treat you the same that does not relinquish you of your responsibility to still be loving and kind. If they choose not to be that way then that is on them.

Do the right thing because it is the right thing not to try and get him to do it as well. The bonus of this is that it gets really hard to continue to be mean when you are always met with kindness. Kind of takes the wind out of that sail, so to speak.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 11:52pm

I agree with step2littlejs that this letter in particular might be a bit embarassing for him to know that you saw it. Is there anyway to make it appear as though it wasn't opened? Or, what you could do, is call the pawn shop with his new address and ask them to send a notice there. That way you know that he'll know about the situation.


I think sending a few pics now and again is a very nice idea. I don't think that doing this is in anyway being a fool. Is it more than he deserves? Absolutely! However, remember this: as your son grows older and sees your behavior and how you're trying to be nice to his father and trying to have a working relationship with him he'll come to have a deep respect for you. You'll also be teaching your precious son many valuable lessons about how to deal with other people. I'm sure you'd hope that he would chose to act with dignity and self-respect in just such a situation, unlike your ex. Yes, there is a line between being gracious and being walked upon. For example: for months my ex would show up hours late for visitation (usually b/c he was sleeping off a hangover). At first I thought that rearranging my schedule to accomodate him was the best thing for my boys. Then, my therapist helped me realize that I'm teaching them that this behavior is okay with me and that it should be accepted. Now, if he's late and we have made other plans then that's what we do. So, while you are being the bigger person and the gracious one over the next 15 years, be sure that when your ex's behavior is unacceptable and intolerable that your son understands that while you must "love your enemy", you don't have to love what he does and that he should not have to tolerate such disrespect from other people in his life.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 8:05am

Sometimes (at least to me), it seems like there is such a fine line between being accomodating and being walked all over.

First of all, with the letter? I'd just toss it. If it were an IRS notice or something REALLY important, that would be a different story. But I have a feeling the fact that you saw the letter will enrage him, so bust to just throw it away.

As for the pictures, that's very kind of you! I think it is a good idea to do after things cool down a bit. For now, I'd keep ANY extra contact with him to an absolute minimum, even if it is "nice" contact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 8:22am

I say toss the letter.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 9:25am

You bring up a good point Wild, he may not acknowledge her kindness as a power play or as a way to keep distance.

When BM was pregnant with her youngest by her new husband DH and I had just gotten married. My mom made her a baby quilt and gave her a picture frame for the new baby, she made it from the boys to their new baby sister but DH told her that my mom had made it. She never said a word about it, she never sent my mom a thank you or even acknowledged that she had gotten it. I was so mad about that but then I realized that she may have just been overwhelmed or off guard about that kind of gesture.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 10:29am

All of you are really great. I want to thank you guys for helping me make my decision. The letter will get tossed. He would be ticked off that I saw it (thanks for pointing that out). I will send the pictures, they are great and he will love them. Response or no response from him, I know he will be glad to have them.

I will do it for this weekend.

Hugs to all of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 4:55pm
and a great BIG HUG back to you, too!

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 12:41pm
Hi Luv. Honestly hun???? I would toss that letter in the garbage - the hell with him. WHy is his mail going to your house anyway? Doesn't he have his own address? I still get mail for my stbx at my new address (the name change with the change of address - my son has the father's last name) and I toss it in the garbage. GOODBYE. (But not before I open it, of course). Toss it. Who cares. Do you think he would give you any mail of yours that might have gone to his address? HELL NO. Just throw it out and smile to yourself that at least you have some control over somethng. TOSS IT!!!! Pam (Man, I am being such a bytch today - on a roll hating guys, I guess.....) :)