Where do you begin?
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| Wed, 05-24-2006 - 9:14am |
My H and I are just putting off the inevitable. We tried to seperate once and even had the house sold and I caved, begging him that I would work on trying to love him, etc. Well, that was a year ago and nothing has changed. We need to seperate. However, where do I start? I'm currently looking for jobs back home because I've never wanted to live here forever. We have a 4 1/2 year old son who I am dreading telling him anything about why we won't be living with daddy anymore. I don't have the $700 for the retainer fee, let alone the extra it's going to cost for the seperation agreement etc. We make waaaaaaaaay too much money for legal aid, we've just racked up a whole hell of a lot of debt. We must sell the house in order to pay off some debt, but I'm so scared to let it go. We've been together 13 years and married 7 of those 13. It's hard to even think of life outside of this man that I've spent 13 years with. However, when we were dating I knew that we should be going our seperate ways, but depression got the best of me and he "saved" me.
I need some support terribly. I don't know if I can take the first step. I just don't even know where to begin. I have a ton of family that is supporting me emotionally. I'm a very organized, detailed oriented person. I hate not knowing what my plans are for next week let alone two months from now.
Can you offer some advice on the first step to take? Do I suck up my pride and ask my parents for the retainer fee for the lawyer and start there? I hate asking my mommy and daddy at 32 years old, for money. It's quite humiliating. Sad indeed...How did my life end up like this? How will my son feel about his mommy and daddy not living together? :(
Thanks.

HUGS, and welcome to the board! Our stories have so many similarities, it's amazing!
My ex and I also separated once (three years ago) and attempted a reconcilation. We since divorced.
I was in the exact same position. I had no access to money, but our househod income was WAY too high for legal aid. Also, we had to sell the house to pay of ex's IRS and huge credit card debt.
Hey, I'm 32, also! ;) Ask your parents for the help. The only way I was able to move out and pay the attorney the retainer fee was by taking out a loan against my 401k. Think of it this way...if your son came to you and needed some monetary help, and you were able to do it, you'd help him, wouldn't you? Your parents will want to do the same for you. If it makes you feel better, work out a repayment schedule with them. Don't be ashamed to get some support to help you leave your unhappy marriage.
I know right now things seem impossible, miserable, hopeless....but I will tell you, my life is 1000x better today than when I was married. If you'd asked me that when I first separated, I never would have even dreamed it. I met a wonderful man. I enjoy the time I spend with my son. I am finally going to be able to buy a home that I want. And I am going to be able to return to college - part-time, but it's still exciting!
It may seem bleak right now, but with change comes endless possibility. Welcome to our group.
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Thanks! It's weird how some of us have very similar stories. I just don't know where to start in all of this. I'm in the process of looking for jobs back home where my parents live. I'm going to have to stay with them while we try and sell the house and during the transition phase.
I just need reassurance that my son is going to be okay in all of this. He's only 4 1/2, but very attached to daddy when daddy is available. *rolling eyes* When I move, we'll be 1 1/2 hours away from my H so visiting won't be like going to bed and waking with daddy. That part is hard to deal with.
Thank you for the welcome. I read a lot, but needed to get some advice and support as to what I need to do *first*.
~OOC
Edited 5/25/2006 2:15 am ET by lifeisgrand2005
Is it going to be easy? No. But I can tell you that thus far, my 11 yo has adjusted very well, and he has had to contend with a lot of bac-and-forth between the two households, a hostile father (toward me, not DS). etc. Children are very resilient. If you and your son's father can work to co-parent well, he will be fine. And if you sense he's experiencing a great deal of stress or is having trouble coping, you can always enter counseling with him. My son loves his counseling sessions!
I'm an avid reader, too. I read more books about divorce, separation, parenting through divorce, dealing with ex's than I care to remember! It's great that you keep yourself informed. You already completed the first step - seeing a lawyer. The next step is to pay the retainer...then for you and your H to talk to your son.
Follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange....
Speaking from experience, there is absolutely nothing about a divorce that is good. Eventually everyone moves on and gets better, but that's years later. Only the lawyers benefit from divorce.
So if you are on the edge about getting a divorce, then stay with the marriage and try again.
I know this sounds trite and naive, but I remember a quote from Dr. Phil: "You have to earn your way out of a marriage", meaning that you have to try everything, leave no stone left unturned.
Once you are at that point, "there is absolutely nothing left that I can do to salvage my marriage", your decisions are rather clear -- get out of the marriage, and time/money are the primary factors. Do it as brutally and as ruthlessly fast as you can. Time is money, and the longer you take to get divorced, the more money you are handing over to your lawyer. Lawyers love to argue at a combined rate of over $500 an hour. And since the two of you are carrying debt, there's not much money to argue about.
If you are starting on a divorce path that requires you to retain a lawyer, it sounds like you and your STBX will be advisarial during the divorce. And that only means that the lawyers get more of your money.
Is your husband on board with the divorce thing, or is he going to fight it (out of hurt and spite) ? If your husband does not want a divorce, then you will be fighting him. And that ultimately turns into a money battle. If you want to stay in there and fight about money, go ahead, but realize that this kind of fighting only supports the lawyers, and will harm your health (physical, mental, emotional)!
As for your son -- he'll be very hurt, upset and scared. HIs initial concern is will he still see his father and mother whenever he wants? He'll be fine eventually because children are resiliant.
But I caution you -- if you and your STBX are fighting, he'll feel it too, only he's not an adult and he does not possess the emotional defenses of an adult.
So again, be generous to the point of tears, and get through this as fast as possible.
Good Luck.
My H and I do not fight in front of our son. In fact we're very cordial. He's rarely home as he is a teacher and a head coach of 3 sports. Along with is "day job" he runs the summer baseball recreation program and has his own summer basketball team that travels. So, we don't have much time to talk at all. He and I are both on the same page as far as seperating. He's very upset by the fact that we couldn't make things work, but he's also ready to split and move on. Both of us however, are just scared to make the first move. Neither one of us wants to actually say it's over. However, we both know that it is! If he was abusive it would make this so much easier (in a sick kind of way) because then I would just walk out. As far as filing for legal seperation, in order to actually get divorced we have to be physically seperated for one year and a day here in the state of NC.
As I said previously, I'm looking for jobs back home in VA. I'm just hoping that something comes through so that I can then take the next step. I guess the next step would be to pack up and sell the house. Oh gosh...this all makes me so sad. Thanks for your support everyone.