where do you start?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2008
where do you start?
2
Fri, 05-30-2008 - 11:54pm

I'm new to this..I think it may be good for me to connect with others who have been through this. So, here goes...


I've been married for 3 years, together for 6 1/2. The beginning of our relationship was very rocky. There was a lot of dishonesty and trust lost early on. He left for boot camp at year 1, which I thought was my chance to break away, Then the letters began...he wrote to me every day and convinced me that he loved me. I believed him..The next few years he was in military training a lot and deployed for 12 months. Although I had not regained completed trust in him, I believed he was sincere and wanted to make a life together. After he returned from deployment, we got married a week later. The last 3 years have been so difficult. I found out about a "fling" he had while on deployment and while we were engaged. At this point, we were already married and he promised it was nothing and he was"sorry" He also, returned from the deployments with a major drinking problem that would take him to bars any night of the week and come home to tell me things that crushed me.. Such, as getting married was a big mistake. These nights were always followed up with I'm sorry, I love you. This has since stopped, although it is a major obstacle in our lives staying away from him drinking and the consequences when his buddies want to get together.


Last year, I moved to Colorado, away from my family and friends for his job. I moved here for him, for our marriage. The "fling" from the past has come back to haunt me and she has contacted him and they have been in communication now for 7 months. I just found out about this and am crushed. My H promised that they are no longer talking and that he has no interest in her. Why did he entertain it for so long then??? How am I even supposed to begin to trust him?


My H tells me that we were never meant to get married and that he needed me at that time in his life. I feel like I'm not good enough and that our whole relationship has been a lie. I loved/love him and don't know what I can do. I've tried the forgiveness route, I've tried the put on a smile and enjoy the good days route, I can't live with anxiety and worry anymore. I don't like this person I am anymore but I can't find the door out of this relationship. Any advice on moving on? What does life look like on the other side of heartbreak? When does it get easier? I'm scared to make the first step out the door because I don't know what the second step is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 06-03-2008 - 4:27pm

The first thing to do you already have done, you have acknowledged that you dont deserve this situation, you've tried, so you can walk away knowing you gave it your all. That is power. The second thing you need to do is figure out where your going to go, back close to family, getting your own place or (roommate)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
Tue, 06-10-2008 - 10:52am

I'm really sorry that you're in this situation. The Today Show did a piece that details 5 tips for going through a divorce, and it might help you get your footing :)

http://video.ivillage.com/player/?id=243830

I hope it helps!