Where do you start????
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Where do you start????
| Tue, 12-19-2006 - 6:00pm |
My boyfriend of 7½ years and father of my two youngest (6&19mths)and I have recently split up. I'm very angry, depressed and confused, I feel I need closure. To make a long story short I've been the "bread winner" in the relationship, I've been financially and emotionally supportive for most of our relationship. He's been coming home late or not at all at times, I've kicked him out but he always manages to come back, approx. 3 weeks ago I didn't let him back in, when he came to get his stuff I put it outside, he spent the night last Sunday, however the next day he didn't return, no explanation, nothing. I have a feeling he's seeing someone, but everyone (my mom, his sister) is telling me that they think that's not the case. He's still not paying child support so I know the first thing I have to do is file a petition for custody and support. However, the emotional side of me feels the need for closure, I want to know if there's someone else, another part of me tells me good riddance, go on with your life and don't hurt more. Anyone been there?

I told my ex husband when we were going through the divorce that I wished he had left me for someone else. He asked if that would of made me feel better and I said at least it would of made me hate him. There was someone else and ya know when I found that out it didn't make me hate him at all but it did bring on a completely new set of emotions and issues that to this day I wished I hadn't had to deal with. Sometimes what we think and wish for isn't what we really need to know. What is it going to change? Not a darn thing. He still left and he's still gone and now that hurt of him leaving with someone else in his life is just one more obstacle that I have to get past and you may need to as well if you go down the path that I did.
Robin
What would constitute closure for you?
Would knowing for sure that he is cheating bring closure or like the other poster said, just serve as a means of opening another box of emotions?
I say go with the part
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Thank you Robin and Di for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it.
Your responses really hit me, you're right Di, I know I'm to blame for "allowing" him to be so irresponsible, I just assumed he knew what to do as an adult and a man. I guess I just have to let it go, it's hard when you still have feelings and when you had already made up in your mind that you were going to grow old with this person.
Thank you again.
Margie
Blame has such a negative conation and will not at all contribute to your healing process.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
I too will one minute say the old saying Thank God In Greyhound Your're Gone!
then the next minute I am a blubblering crying humiliated idiot!
My H is not leaving for a few weeks so its very hard to see him. sometimes I want to hold him and say please dont leave even after manymany years of emotional and verbal abuse.
(I must be so co dependant! I have NO idea how I will heal and be healthy for a new relationship. I have no idea why I stayed that long nor do I have any idea why I cant deal with this!)
then the other part says oh gee can you leave faster so I can get on with my new life?
You have been a strong woman throughout this marriage and this strength will keep you going and OK
as for me I feel about as strong as a non existent thread! I am 57 years old and dont think even have the strength to dream again!
So I thought if he would simply find someone else that it would be better.......and he couldnt say it was all my fault but I was not at all prepared for this hurt, rage, and pity I am feeling.
I think for me I need a certain amount of hate to accept this.......but I also at moments still care and love this emotionally handicapped little boy of 55 years old.
What really gets me is he has spent his whole life acting like he was the one who knew all the right answers and he acted like he was the only one of us who could treat others right...........NOT !! others know me as a kind,caring empathetic person!
he raped my soul for many years........and this still hurts and I am still holding on with a tiny thread yet I dont want to . I am holding onto to something that has never been there and never will be. so I though this would be a piece of cake and yes this is cool that he has someone so now I wont have to be or feel responsible for his sadness and depression. he says I caused it all. but for some reason I am still incredibly devastated. I think someo of this just stems from the deep attachment of a toxic relationship.
wow I am feeling better already. its like when I type that I am thinking .........asking myself do I really want to stay in that?
of course not!!
What are you talking about? You're not giving yourself enough credit, you have the strengh it just doesn't feel that way right now, just like I don't. Age has nothing to do with it, I think it hurts just as much, regardless of whether your 33 or 57, you have a lot to look forward to. My mom is 63, my parents have been divorced for 20 years and she's dated, she goes out dancing Fridays and Sundays and sometimes even Saturdays, she was very depressed and thought she wasn't going to survive, but 20 years later she's happier then ever. She's been my rock, she's been spending the night a few times a week and when she's there I don't think about my ex and I won't allow myself to cry in front of her, she keeps me strong as well as my kids.
Enjoy life, be happy, prepare yourself for a better year, we kind of have to phsyche ourselfves and "pump" ourselves up.
Good luck and I pray this coming year will be one of our best.
Margie
Why do you need to know if he's seeing someone for "closure"?
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit
HEHE
And I am looking forward to having music on in my home more instead of the tv blaring.He threw a fit about country n western music and classical. and made fun of it. thats funny ....I told him yesterday when he remarked I said well just remember Garth Brooks has more money than you do! And the OW plays or played in an orchestra and plays the violin I wonder how he is going to pretend he likes classical music LOL But he says he loves her so much he will love everything she likes ........
I only watch good movies and documentaries when I watch it. well ........ok........Court Tv too. but that is such a negative thing and I dont have time to get into all the trials I feel a reason to follow. so will avoid that for a while.
He didnt like me to let my family over. he always glared and wondered why they didnt go home.........he said it was late but funny thing it was long before he usually goes to bed .....so I just go over there. Now I can have my sister over for movies. He is such a tense person I never enjoyed having company!
I am trying to focus on my future. at my age I dont have as much time as I use to to put my life on hold.
I must concentrate on loving myself and my family. and my wonderful little poodle and her unconditional love.
Thats wonderful about your mother and how happy she is . and that will yes be a source of strength and hope for the future for you!