Where to go from here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Where to go from here?
Wed, 06-29-2011 - 12:09am

Two weeks ago my husband and I had a conversation-turned-fight about how tense we've been lately and how distant he's been. I told him he was showing signs of depression, because I know depression and he definitely was. I asked him to go seek therapy with me, and he refused. He was acting so strange, and I ended up asking him to stay with a friend that night to give us some space.

The next morning, I texted him to talk about working things out. No answer. I texted again. No answer. I called. Straight to voicemail. Finally at 4:30, he called and told me he had flown to NYC. Wtf?? Then it all came out. A month ago he went to his friend's wedding. Our (6 month old) daugther and I couldn't go b/c the friend had said no kids at the wedding (yeah, nice). He told me he met a girl there who lives in NYC and within 2 minutes of talking to her, he knew she was the one for him. He said he's in love with her. I finally got him to say that he wanted a divorce. This is so unlike him and we've known each other for 8 years/been married for 3. As far as I can tell, it's not drugs or a crisis, he just feels he was with the wrong person. He said he will not be an absent father and that he will support us financially. He is going to stay living here, and when I asked, he told me the girl is going to move here.

It's been 2.5 weeks since I found out, and things are more manageable, but still so hard. My daughter and I moved out and got an apartment and we've had a few visitations where he comes over for 2 hours a few times a week to be with the baby. (Suggested by my attorney and a child specialist.) It's been hard, but I am able to realize that I'm better off without this man.

Where do I go from here? I feel so broken... so worthless and unloved.

Thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Wed, 06-29-2011 - 11:09am

Hi luckystar and welcome.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Wed, 06-29-2011 - 2:02pm
Hi luckystar,

As I was reading your first paragraph, I knew he was cheating. Your story sounds like mine and I can tell you your STBX will be in for a world of surprise when you move on and he sees the grass is not so green with this new flame. My X was having an A with a coworker and left me for her and at the time I had a 7mth old anda 2.5 year old. We were together for 12yrs/married for 8. The cheater behavior is all the same and don't let him blame his behavior on you. There are always other options that cheating. I bet this new excitement for him is an escape for the reality of having a baby. A lot of guys struggle with all of a sudden being a dad for some reason.

You need to be realistic right now and get to a lawyer. Most states don't care about affairs so it becomes a non-issue in a divorce but your state may care (mine didn't). If you haven't already, take half of your savings and checking and put into an acct in just your name. Make copies of all financial documents (banking, investments, 401K, tax returns, etc). You'll need to know where you are financially as half will be yours. I'm sure your lawyer has told you this. Plus make sure you are getting child support and if possible spousal support. Treat it like a business transaction. Its so easy to let your emotions take over and then miss out on what you deserve. My agreement covers college, extracurricular activities, medical, out of pocket costs, who gets the tax deduction, pets and no overnights if the opposite sex is living with him unless they are married or she is family. I got my agreement court ordered and filed it with the state so the state enforces the CS.

I'm 2 yrs out and can tell you that you will be fine and so will your daughter. Once your STBX's "fog" clears, he'll regret his choices. I know my X does and I'm glad for that. I'm not in a new relationship or anything as right now that's not important to me. I did start taking better care of myself physically and I'm sure he hates that I'm looking so good while he's still with his troll!! Hold your head up high and try to be the better person, even if it kills you. It will benefit your daughter and the bonus is, he will want you even more-guaranteed!