Where to go from here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Where to go from here.
6
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 1:39pm

New here and never thought I would get here either. As I am sure most of us on here are saying the same thing. I guess I can start with a little background. I have been married for 5 years and have a 2 and 3 year old. My H has been a good man but not really "there". I have been playing house I think for far to long and I have finally gotten some meds that are working and as my doctor put it have made me see things a little clearer now. And a few weeks ago, I sent H packing. I just became numb for so long. I was never appreciated by him and pretty much ignored. I hated kissing him and even more, never wanted to have sex with him. I often have thought about why we got married in the first place and I still have no idea. I didn't even like him when I met him. Go figure. So here I am 5 years in 2 kids later, and I have fallen completely out of love for him. I do "love" him, I always will but I just do not at all have any of the feelings you should have. My kids even at such a young age see it. It is sad how much they see how un happy I am. And since H has gone..... they have seen a glimmer of happiness back.


He did see a therapist and he is trying to work on himself and stop doing a lot of the things he used to or do things he never did before. Which is nice, but I just don't see it coming back. I have agreed to go to counseling together to at least say we tried. I just don't have anymore to give. I gave so much of me and I just have had enough. I am tired. Even if he changes, I just feel it is too late. I also am so un attracted to him it is not funny. it is sad. And he deserves to be happy as well. He doesn't deserve to be in a "loveless" marriage. I am tired of being a shell. I know it is going to be hard to not be married to him, being he is the sole bread winner and I work just on weekends and make crap for money. But, I just can't live like this anymore. I just can't live this lie to myself, my kids and to him any longer.


I guess I can express this to the counselor when we get one. I see his this Thursday, he wants to meet with me. Strange. Anyway, I guess, I am so afraid of hurting him. I don't want to hurt him but, I was so numb and hurt myself for so many years you would think I would jump at the chance. go figure. So I guess I am babbling on and on and have no point here. I guess I just don't know where to begin. Do I get a lawyer, do I wait for the counselor thing to be over? How long will it all take. I just don't want to be living in limbo any longer. God, I hate this. Where did it all go wrong. Why can't I just love him like I am supposed to love him. Thanks for listening to me ramble on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 6:20am

I was where you are now 4 yrs ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 7:54am

Thanks. I am so afraid that when and if it all comes down to it that years down the road like you, that I will realize I made a mistake and I want him back in my life and then it will be to late, that he will have moved on by then. I think in a strange way, I may have already moved on. I still hurt being I don't want to see him upset but my feelings of whatever kind of "love" it is your're supposed to have in a marriage are gone. On my end I just feel since we are apart we are so much better as friends and "hanging" out as friends. We talk more now then we ever have and he I think is actually listening. I also am not resenting him and hating him and looking at him with pure hate disgust I am sleeping now being he isn't here keeping me up at night with his un Godly snoring. I know, it sounds shallow but he would never get help for it but it was a major issue and very selfish on his part I think as well. Anyway, I guess you are right, the whole saying if you love it set it free if it comes back it was meant to be. We talked a little on the phone last night and I think he is starting to not have such false hope anymore. I keep trying to explain to him that us moving somewhere new won't just up and change my feelings for him. That selling our house won't just change everything. So I just don't know. This all pretty much just sucks. Never thought at 33 and 2 small kids later I would be here. So it goes I guess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 10:58am

I'm not going to address the main topic of your post, but as to what to say to the neighbors.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 4:21pm

Wow. I could have written your post. We have been in and out of counseling, and I truly did not see the point, other than that it uncovered things about me I had not yet dealt with. I also found that counseling reminded me why I did not want to be with him, so I figured what's the point of going? The counselors always say "If you had it, you can get it back." Well, what if you've never had it?

I wish you all the luck and will be paying special attention to your posts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Tue, 05-20-2008 - 7:53am
So.... did you get it back? Or even get it at all? I just don't get it. I have been told to just think of him all day and think of the positive and yada yada yada and I do, he is a very good man, he is a good provider and a nice person and overall a decent father, however..... something is missing. And isn't that somthing sort of vital in a marriage? I beat myself up everyday and wonder why I did get married in the first place. I mean, yes, I do love him. I really do. But, I don't think I married him for all the reasons one should to get married. And I hope that when my girls are older that they find their "solemate",
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
Tue, 05-20-2008 - 10:41am

<>
If you're talking about romance or attraction or intimacy, no. Sitting through the counseling sessions, I realized he really has not tried to get to know me over the past 9 years. He had fabricated some things and remembered some things that had never occurred as he remembered. The problem with that is I felt and feel too bad to tell him "Gosh, you still don't get me, while I'm sitting here in therapy telling you about me." We did bring to light some issues that could have been affecting our intimacy--namely his jealousy, possessiveness, materialism, telling me what to do, not allowing me to follow my dreams. He has changed a lot (not a 180, but a lot) but it still hasn't created that feeling. I look at him and think I wish I felt that way about him because I'm not angry at him, even though I do feel he is also responsible for the decline of our marriage.

<>
I do this too. I hate it. It's not good for him or me or the kids, though, and I am trying to get past the guilt of having failed here and just try to see what the next step is. We got married because we loved each other and I was pregnant. I did not give that decision the weight it deserved. I was too concerned about looking like I messed up by getting knocked up. I was too concerned that he would desert his baby (he had originally wanted me to get an abortion). He was safe, though I knew then that feeling wasn't there. Given my history and my mother's history, I thought "safe" was the best quality for someone I desired to marry. I also realize that I did the best I was capable of doing in my situation. I, personally, had no way of judging whether the relationship would stand the test of time. Any good counselor will tell you that there are no guarantees.

<>
I also feel this way. I had a terrible example for marriage. My mom was divorced twice. I don't remember my father all that well, but I know her second husband was a terrible, terrible man. They did everything he wanted to do, they fought constantly, spent all their time together even though they clearly hated each other and he was a drunk and a pedophile.

I think there's a balance, because I think it's totally normal on some days to not feel that feeling at all. But if it's never there? Ugh, that's hell. And if you can rule out the other stuff through counseling, and make sure that there's not some issue underlying keeping you from feeling that spark, then I believe you can find it somewhere. I do think that couples together when they are 80 still like to hold hands and kiss each other. And sometimes that feeling is there, and you have to work extra hard to make everything else fall into place. But, I'd rather have to work hard on the marriage and have some spark still there than to have no spark, but work together as parents and friends ok.