where to go from here

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
where to go from here
7
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 8:17pm
So I've been with this guy for 22+ years. About 12 years ago he meets someone on a business trip. He has denied it over and over again, and of course I wanted to believe him, two small children at home. Every time I confronted him it turned into a battle "it's just a business relationship", so I stopped questioning him. The girls are grown and on their own, she is calling him twice a day, it is no business relationship... I've listened in. He's not only lying to me, he's cheating her too as he has no intention of leaving here and moving there (unless I kick him out, and even then I don't think he'd move there). He moved out of our room a long time ago, and I don't miss him. I'm really not sure what to do? How do I find a lawyer that can get me my half (and not charge me the half to get it?). I'm not as worried about the finances as I am about the big ugly fight, how do I confront him? What do I say, and do I find a lawyer first?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 1:16am
Definitely talk to a lawyer. When I had to hire one, I talked to a few. Many will give you a free first visit. It can't hurt to educate yourself. You need to end the gravy train for your guy. Hang in there, Belinda
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 5:27pm

Make an appointment for a consultation with an attorney.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 3:33pm
I think that is what I'm going to do, I have to take a look at all the pro vs. cons to whatever I decide to do. Why is he so nice right now? I really don't think he knows I know, he'd be in denial mode big time if he did. Thing is, he's the one with the $, I don't stand to gain much if I kick him out. We not only have separate rooms, we practically have separate houses, I don't really have to put up with much except for the fact that he has been lying to me for so long. I just don't understand the whole mentality; I couldn't lie to save my life, and I think that is why it is so hard to put up with his lies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 12:33pm

I know that right now seems tough. You've been through a lot.

My first suggestion to you on finding an attorney is to talk to anyone that you know who's gone through a divorce. Only someone who has gone through this, with an attorney, can give you the inside scoop on the nitty gritty details with an attorney. Also, if that doesn't work, call your local bar association. This group keeps a listing of all the local attorneys, and their specialties. Finding a good attorney, one that you trust, and can work with you on the financial end of it, is KEY!! In my situation, since I have no money, my attorney is going after my stbx for his fees. Talk to a few attorneys, whether it's in person or via phone. Make sure that you ask about fees, and the required length of time for a divorce in your state, from what I understand it varies.

Before you go to see an attorney you'll need a few things . . . a copy of your marriage certificate, if you have children under 18, then you'll need copies of their birth certificates. If you can get a copy of your stbx's pay stub, that would help too. Also, my SO explained to me to begin to write down my "life story". Write it all down. I know it takes forever, I was married for 23 years. It gave my atty the fuel that he needed to get a PPO out on my stbx, and gave him things to use against my stbx. I have 4 boys, only 1 under 18, and now that things are getting ugly, that information that I initially gave the atty has helped tremendously.

As for confronting your stbx, only you can answer that question. Only you know how he will react to confrontation. I know that doesn't give you a straight answer, but if you would feel more comfortable having the support of an attorney before you confront him, then by all means look for one.

Lastly, even though it's tough, take care of yourself!! Eat, sleep, talk, rant, rave, grieve, journal-a great thing, and most of all, if you don't already have one, build up a support system. This will get you through!!

I'm sorry that you lost your mother. With everything that you're going through on top of that, I'm sure that things seem overwhelming at times. Just remember that we're here!!

Laurene

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 11:40am
Thank you for your advice and support, I will take it all into consideration. I have a great group of friends, however, I live in such a small town I don't dare say anything to the whole group until I make some decisions (I've told one close friend and my two grown daughters). Unfortunately I have been through a divorce in this state before, 23 years ago, so I know a little about the laws here and I have done some on-line research. It's a "no fault" state, so anything he's done doesn't really mean much (he's never been physically abusive).
I did not, fortunately, loose my mother, you must have me confused with someone else. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 8:31pm

Spinningmonkey:

What ever you do gather alot of evidence, but do not let him know you have it.

You for everything and keep it hidden in a safe place.

Also, be sure you dig deep enough to be sure you are totally aware of your financial situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 1:43pm

Sorry for the confusion!!

Hope you are doing well.

Laurene