Which one were you?
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| Thu, 03-29-2007 - 12:54pm |
Were you the leav-er or the left?
I ask because sometimes as I'm reading the board, I find it hard to want to be sympathetic to some of the posters stories because it sounds like some things my stbx may be saying/thinking about our relationship.
It seems as I am in the midst of all of this, right in the middle of getting seperated and trying to accept that soon I will be divorced, and I find myself having a hard time hearing the stories of those who are the leav-ers. Yeah, that may be wrong on my part or make me a bad supporter, but those are my feelings. Anyone else ever feel this way when reading the boards? Even IRL, I have a friend that is unhappy and comtiplated an affair and leaving her husband and I still have a hard time supporting her, because I sympathize more with her husband being the left, than her being the leaver. Makes no sense at all huh? lol

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Wasted said it pretty well as it depends on each situation.
However, I am the dumpee in my case. I posted a pretty huge intro/novel in the "letting go" post. I can relate to both sides and I feel like I can be supportive to both sides, but I am the one that is healing faster than he is. I'm the one that is already getting over the loss and working through my grief and he is the one wallowing in self pity and denial. I would not expect everyone on a forum about "divorce" to support everyone else and so I imagine those that do not feel they can say something supportive choose not to respond. That's what I usually do.
You have a right to your feelings and it is only natural that you can feel more for your friend's husband (who she's thinking of cheating on and leaving). Many of my family and friends are not really "ON MY SIDE" in this whole thing. They feel sorry for my stbx and they think I'm a horrible cruel woman (i guess) or even nastier things since I am seeing someone....and that's my own family. I'm sure his coworkers have called me 100 names in the book and continue to mess with his head daily. This really upsets me, but I cannot control that, and that which I cannot control I try not to think about.
Even though it's hard to see it now, in the long run you will overcome this very hard time in your life. One day you will realize it (if you haven't already) that your h/stbxh did you a favor. You deserve to be loved the way you seem to love him. You deserve someone that will treat you wonderfully and give you all of himself and treat you 100x better than your current ever did. Keep in mind that when one door closes another door opens.
Sometimes my stbx says mean and hurtful things to me - "you will never find true happiness, you will always be searching for your self, you will die a sad, lonely, bitter woman, etc." and I try not to listen to him. I just want to say that I hear you, I understand your message, and what you are feeling is normal. Don't feel guilty for not being able to support those that aren't in your situation.
That makes sense. I don't say anything unsupportive, I usually just don't say anything, but I guess I just find it hard on these forums to find people who understand what *I'm* going through, because, yes every situation is different. I guess since I am in the early stages I'm just confused. I am sure one day I will be seeing things differently. I was just wondering if this was like a stage of it or something, I don't know really. I was just curious. Because there are days I am VERY bitter and days when I am just fine, if you konw what I mean.
Thanks for you response!
I can understand your position. It was smart for you to leave!
The h/stbxh and I never had any problems like that, no abuse substance, physical, emotional, etc. No EA's, just communication problems really. I guess I'm just in an awkward stage right now.
6 years ago I "left", well checked out emotionally and physically for a few weeks after being "left" emotionally and in other ways by H. At that point I proposed a separation where he moved out for a few days and then all hell broke loose.
Now, I say that I'm not going to be the one to make that decision because it will forever come back to haunt me, both by H and by myself. I want H to make the decision to leave or for us to make it together. Who knows if that will hold true. All I know is that I'm strong enough now to be on my own without having to have someone else waiting. I would miss H deeply. He's my best friend, but also not a positive part of my life. I think it's that co-dependency thing... *sigh*
I often wondered if the "left" felt upset when reading messages from the "leave-ers."
I was the "leave-er." But like many of the other women before me wrote, most of us were pushed into a corner by our exs/STBXS. I suffered years of neglect, emotional, and financial abuse. He repeatedly told me he wanted the marriage over, stayed out all night, ran up insane debt, did virtually nothing to contribute to the household or raising our son, refused counseling.......I could go on. He was just too lazy to actually file divorce papers. So in my mind, HE ended the marriage by his actions. I just made the legal move.
It makes a lot of sense that you sympathize with those in your same position, and transfer some of the feelings you have for your stbex onto those with whom he shares the same label--"leav-er".
I never thought I would be divorced (who does?). There were times in my marriage when I literally could not stand the sight of my husband, but my commitment kept me around until I could fall back in love with him, or the times would get better. My EX always told me that it hurt him that I didn't love him the same way he loved me (he married me b/c he was "twitterpated", "in WUV", "passionate", etc., whereas I married him b/c I liked him, loved him, trusted, respected and admired him.) Imagine my great surprise when, out of the blue one day, he announced, "I don't love you like I used to," and then began a campaign of emotional and verbal abuse to get rid of me (he wanted the house, come to find out), and eventually, on night in a fit of rage, physically attacked me.
So, given the strong emotional component of what happened and the way I became the "leav-ee", and my belief that many think that marriage is just a temporary thing you can get out of if you aren't "happy", I also find it very difficult to listen to ppl listing their essentially petty gripes and "reasons" for wanting to leave a spouse.
What you said:
"my belief that many think that marriage is just a temporary thing you can get out of if you aren't "happy", I also find it very difficult to listen to ppl listing their essentially petty gripes and "reasons" for wanting to leave a spouse."
That's where I am.
I totally understand those who leave for serious reasons: abuse, alcohol/drug or other substance abuse, chronic failure to be employed or other disregard for obligations, and a whole host of other substantive reasons to leave a marriage.
It is the shallow reasons, the selfish reasons, the reasons that depend upon the leaver disregarding the well-being of children -- those are the leavers (like my stbx) I have a hard time hearing.
There aren't too many such folk here. Most of us are here because we are in pain and struggling to take care of selves or young children whether we are the leaver or the left.
Still, it is hard to "listen" sometimes. I just don't think an adult should purchase their happiness at the cost of their children's happiness. The kids have to bear tremendous loss and permanent emotional damage (they may heal, but the damage cannot be reversed) because an adult can't be an adult.
Ok, that's me.
Let's all try to help each other be the best we can be!
M
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