Who here has shared custody?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Who here has shared custody?
23
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 1:59pm
Does anyone have 50/50 shared custody and how is it working out for the child? What difficulties or benefits have you run into?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 2:33pm

I do. My dd had just turned 3 when we separated, she's almost 5 now. It works wonderfully for her, and for us too.

She is with each of us Friday to Friday. One parent drops her at school Friday mornings and the other picks up. During our 'off' week, we get her one night for a few hours and usually we go out to dinner (or if it's a Tuesday, then that parent takes her to gymastics). We call it 'dinner night.' We did this because at the time we felt a week was too long for her to go without seeing one of her parents, and too long for us too. But we also didn't want her to feel like she was living out of a suitcase going back and forth too often, we wanted her to be at each house for a full week. We switch on Fridays so she has the whole weekend to 'adjust' and settle in before school starts Monday.

One of her challenges is always missing one parent or the other. But that would be true no matter what custody situation we had, she would always be with one or the other of us. This way instead of missing her dad terribly all the time, she misses both of us a little. I think that's better (I know it's better for her).

One of the benefits is I get the same opportunity to 'have a life' as my ex does. I can date as often and as easily. When dd is with her dad I can do all my adult things, exercising, running errands, napping, reading, dating, etc., and I think I'm more focused on her when she's here because I've had that break.

Another benefit is that her dad feels like he's an equal parent. If I had insisted on sole custody and he was stuck with every other weekend, he would have had a lot of resentment for me for that. It's important to him that he's a good father (he does try). I'd also say 50/50 has made him a better father. He has to do everything the weeks he has her, no choice about it. There have been a few times she was there and wanted pig-tails in her hair in the mornings. You can tell when you see her that her dad did her hair. It's cute that he does that for her, no way would he have done that when we were married. He doesn't always make the best decisions (especially when it comes to food and bedtime), but he loves her and that is what matters most.

Of any issues I might have, I don't think they are any worse because I have 50/50. I feel there are lots of positives for dd. She is raised by both of us and to me, that is most like how life would be for her if we had stayed together. Better in fact, because he is forced to do more of the 'responsibility' stuff. Parenting isn't just having fun weekends together, it's all that daily stuff like what to do when there's a scrape and no bandaids in the house and waking up in the middle of the night when they are sick and figuring out how to wash their hair without getting water in their eyes.

Some will say it's hard to live in two homes, but it's not hard for my dd, and in reality all children of divorce have two homes (unless one parent is totally out of the picture). We intentially make it easy on her. Because we coordinate well, she doesn't feel torn between us (I think a lot of this comes from my ex feeling respected as a parent, even if he doesn't always deserve it, I give him that as my dd's father, for her sake). She has one bag that goes back and forth, a medium sized duffle bag. A few toys go back and forth but it's mostly clothes and shoes. My dd has to transition a lot less often than some children with every other weekend visitation. She 'moves' back and forth 4-5 times per month (every Friday). If she saw her dad every other weekend and one overnight per week, she'd be going back and forth, packing and unpacking 8 or more times per month (1-3 times per week).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 3:54pm

I do as well. It gets confusing though. I have 2 dd's. Ex and I live on the same bus route for school but they come here everyday after school. We alternate on Wed. Unfortunately he doesn't take on the mom part at his house and I'm not quite sure what he thinks the dad's responsibility is.

For the most part it works.He picks them up at 10:30 Sun. morning so they each partake in both of our churches. He is responsible to get them to school M-W one week then M-T the next.He is to pick them up from my house at 5:00 PM on his days.I insisted on this if we had to have joint custody because of his lack of responsibility.He won't make them do homework at his place. He is also consistantly late to school with them even though he is on the bus route.He usually drives them.(He only lives 10 min.from the school.

So if we could all only have ex's like first then there would be a little more peace amongst us. All we can do is hope and pray they will do good by our kids.

K:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 4:51pm
Don't wish for an ex like mine! Ok, most of the ex's on these boards are much worse, but I have to pay all dd's expenses and pay my ex cs, and he's still manages to live on the brink of financial disaster all the time (getting his car confiscated by police for having no license due to an unpaid ticket and no car insurance, later driving in an unsafe car with the muffler literally hanging by a thread). My ex is good for me, because I am in control of our situation and I'm nice to him, I don't think he'd be a good ex for just anyone. He does make every effort to be a good dad, and you can wish for everyone to have that of course. I think the people with really good ex's aren't on these boards.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 11:42pm
Thank you both for your responses. My family and my attorney want me to fight for custody of our dd but I think shared custody will be better for her. The only bad thing is I will not get child support even though he will be making over $50,000 more than me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 10:25am

I considered the money issue too. I agreed to 50/50 knowing that I would be paying around $100 in cs to him every month, and I'd be paying all dd's daycare on my own ($700 per month at the time). It turned out to be $155 per month in cs. Then dd's daycare went up to $945 per month and the cs only went down to $65 per month. I make more than him, so I can swing this, but money is tight. The only thing is that it's tight for him too. In the end I know I did the right thing putting dd's best interests above the money issue.

When my ex and I separated we sat down and made two household budgets. We both needed to know that by separating, renting two apartments and the cs I was going to pay him, we would both be able to afford to live. We didn't want dd to have drastially different living conditions in her two homes, which is actually the goal of cs in the first place but it often doesn't work out this way. I know one other couple with shared custody and they put into their agreement that they would decide cs between themselves. I suggest that you and he sit down and you have your budget in hand and say you want to agree to shared custody but you also need to be able to support dd and you want to see if you can work out an agreement for cs using your own calculation. As long as it's reasonably fair the judge should agree to it.

The one thing I wished I'd done is get 51% custody instead of 50%. That would give me a little bit of an edge to ensure I could file household status on my taxes each year, and that makes a big difference $$ wise. I think I can still do it, since I can count the cs as providing a roof over her head, which means I provide for her 50% while she's here and some % while she's there, and together it's over 50%. There are other options besides 50/50 too, you can have 65/45 or 55/45 or anything you both think makes sense.

I can understand your family wanting you to fight, and your attorney is probably motivated by the $$ fighting gets him (plus attorneys are just used to fighting, that is what they do best). But you have to decide as a parent what is best for your child. I know that I could have had sole custody, but my ex would have been constantly angry at me and dd would be miserable.

The book "Ex-etiquette" is a good one to read, the authors are a step-mom and mom that share 50/50 custody and it is a really good description of what it means to co-parent (which you should work on whether you have 50/50 or sole custody, it does touch on 50/50 issues too).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 8:46pm

Can I ask why there would be no child support with 50/50 when he makes that much more than you? To my knowledge there are two ways cs is calculated by various states. The first is based on income, where both parents incomes are taken into account, as well as how much parenting time each parent has. That is how my state works. I make 60% of our combined incomes and have dd 50% of the time, so I pay cs to my ex. If we each made about the same, then there would be no child support. If he made $50k more than I did, he'd be paying me, because he'd be making more than 50% of our combined income, but he'd only have dd 50% of the time, so he'd have to cover all dd's expenses during his time, plus some of mine.

The other way cs is calculated in some states is 20% of the NCP's income. If you have 50/50, then neither of you is the NCP. I asked once how it would be if I lived in a state like that, and I was told they'd take 20% of my income and 20% of his income and whoever was to receive the bigger amount, would just get the difference. So if 20% of my income was $700 and 20% of his income was $500, then I'd pay him $200 per month.

So if your STBX makes that much more than you, why wouldn't he be paying you cs in any case? Certainly with 50/50 he'd pay less, but he should still have some cs obligation. What state do you live in?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 10:15pm
I'm not sure what the CS laws are here with 50/50 custody... I live in FL. His attorney is putting in the papers that neither party pay CS but I'll find out more when I see my atty on the 7th. I'm still hopefull that he'll have to pay CS so I'll be able to provide decently for our dd. I'm not looking to nail hiim on this but it doesn't seem fair for him not to pay anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 11:16pm

Well, if he can not pay any cs, then I want to move there (I know it's my legal obligation to pay, but I don't outearn my ex by $50k, I only make 60% of our combined income)!

I don't think it's right for your ex to pay nothing if he makes that much more than you, unless both parents make about the same and you have 50/50, there should be one side paying cs to the other.

I found this link to the Florida law: http://www.fcsr.org/ and from what I read here (copied and pasted below), it would work like I explained it would work in a state where the NCP pays a % of his/her income. So I think under the law they should be computing the amount of cs you'd pay him based on your income, and the amount of support he'd pay you based on his income, and your obligation would offset his obligation. You'd also pay child care and healthcare costs based on your % of income. So if you earn 25% of the combined income, you'd pay 25% of those costs. Your attorney should walk you through how this would work, but from what I'm reading (not an attorney) you will get some amount of cs.

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(b) Whenever a particular shared parental arrangement provides that each child spend a substantial amount of time with each parent, the court shall adjust any award of child support, as follows:

1. In accordance with subsections (9) and (10), calculate the amount of support obligation apportioned to the noncustodial parent without including day care and health insurance costs in the calculation and multiply the amount by 1.5.

2. In accordance with subsections (9) and (10), calculate the amount of support obligation apportioned to the custodial parent without including day care and health insurance costs in the calculation and multiply the amount by 1.5.

3. Calculate the percentage of overnight stays the child spends with each parent.

4. Multiply the noncustodial parent's support obligation as calculated in subparagraph 1. by the percentage of the custodial parent's overnight stays with the child as calculated in subparagraph 3.

5. Multiply the custodial parent's support obligation as calculated in subparagraph 2. by the percentage of the noncustodial parent's overnight stays with the child as calculated in subparagraph 3.

6. The difference between the amounts calculated in subparagraphs 4. and 5. shall be the monetary transfer necessary between the custodial and noncustodial parents for the care of the child, subject to an adjustment for day care and health insurance expenses.

7. Pursuant to subsections (7) and (8), calculate the net amounts owed by the custodial and noncustodial parents for the expenses incurred for day care and health insurance coverage for the child. Day care shall be calculated without regard to the 25-percent reduction applied by subsection (7).

8. Adjust the support obligation owed by the custodial or noncustodial parent pursuant to subparagraph 6. by crediting or debiting the amount calculated in subparagraph 7. This amount represents the child support which must be exchanged between the custodial and noncustodial parents.

9. The court may deviate from the child support amount calculated pursuant to subparagraph 8. based upon the considerations set forth in paragraph (a), as well as the custodial parent's low income and ability to maintain the basic necessities of the home for the child, the likelihood that the noncustodial parent will actually exercise the visitation granted by the court, and whether all of the children are exercising the same shared parental arrangement.

10. For purposes of adjusting any award of child support under this paragraph, "substantial amount of time" means that the noncustodial parent exercises visitation at least 40 percent of the overnights of the year.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 10:25am
Thanks, first! That does ease my mind about CS. You've been a big help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 8:03pm
You are welcome. I hope it was accurate. Let us know what the attorney says about it.

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