WHY???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
WHY???
6
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 12:47pm

Why do I want him to call? I talked to him 3-times yesterday, I haven't heard anything from him at all today. Why do I want him to call me? God, I miss him sooo much I just want to hear his voice. I'm soo used to him calling me at work, today he hasn't even tried. I know it's good that he's not harassing me, but something inside me wants him to, I don't understand it at all. How can he do this to me? I'm sorry to whine, but it hurts soo damn bad.

Stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: stacyboomer
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 1:25pm
Stacy, Hugs to you! I know you miss him. I found with my ex it really wasn't completely him I missed. It was the companionship. I am slowly learning to fill my time with other things. I still keep myself excessively busy because if I stop move I start thinking. I have spent 20 of my 37 years loving this man and I can't just shut it off over night. I am not looking forward to the day when I see him with a woman. Be sure and use this time to take care of yourself. Come here and whine any time. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
In reply to: stacyboomer
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 1:58pm

I know how you feel. I dont know the particulars of your situation though. Did you leave him/ or he leave you, was there infidelity?. How long were you together? Do you have children. If not, why did you talk to him 3 times yesterday?

One thing I realized in trying to "get over" the breakup with my ex was the talking as if we were friends killed me. We have a son together and he wanted to be "friends" Everyone kept telling me I had to cut contact with him unless it pertained strictly to our son. And I couldnt see it at the time but it was soooooo true. It's been over a month now of no contact and on a whole I am much better. We all go through the wanting to see/talk to them but it does "us" no good. You cant be friends with someone you just broke up with and still have feelings for. Believe me I tried, it simply doesnt work.

Give yourself time to heal I know it sounds like a cliche but its true. You just have to go through the pain. I would be torn to pieces after the good/bad encounters with my ex. It was a rollercoaster ride from hell. But it fed his ego and destroyed mine. He had at least two women that wanted his attention. YOU will know when YOU'VE had ENOUGH. You will get there in your own time. It took me approx. a year and 3 months to figure this out. If you can help it dont wait that long, lol. Honey it will be okay, trust me.

I was totally devastated over my breakup, over 5 years together, a son, forgiving infidelity and he cheated again, I kicked him out, and at times felt it was somehow my fault, I know better but even now still for a split second at times I question if I did the right thing. My mind knows I did but my heart, well....

Ive come a long way and finally Im showing him I am STRONG. You'll get there dont worry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
In reply to: stacyboomer
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 2:52pm
Stacy
First of all, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling....I know what it feels like and when I see that other women just feel that sad, it really makes me want to cry.....I do not know if it will make you feel better or not, but for late june thru most of july, I was you....I hate to even admit it now,but there were times I would call him when I knew he was not going to answer just so I could hear his voice on his voicemail....even sadder, I would relisten to his more civil messages to me on my voicemail over and over again....I just hurt so bad, I was the one who put up with all of the crap and dysfunction...and he was the one that wanted to leave.....All I could think of was why???...After a while, I realized that I could not go on and he was so cruel to me during my pain that it did help me get past it.....I finally even wrote a reminder on my fridge DO NOT CALL HIM HANNAH!!!.......and even put little notes in random places just in case the urge hit me....now, I do not call him period....If I do not need to talk about our kids, we do not talk....there is no need...If he can not love me the way I deserve to be loved, he does not deserve the time of day from me......you will get there,until then do something nice for yourself and take care.........
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
In reply to: stacyboomer
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 2:56pm

Here's my long story for you:

It all started about 2yrs ago when my bio clock ticked in and I started to want a baby. He wasn't ready and we had planned on waiting until we more finiacially (bad spelling) stable. Well, he started doing little things to make us fight then he got to where he would stay out after work drinking and loafing with his friends. It got so bad we ended up splitting up twice last summer. He has just pushed me away ever since. I honestly don't think he wants kids he just wouldn't tell me. Things got better before new years after that it was all back again. Ever since Jan. he would take spells where he would come home for about a month straight after work then he would stay out drinking again every other day or every Thursday he would make a point to show me I couldn't stop him from doing whatever he wanted to do. Then he would say well I'm doing good, I only was late once this week or twice this week.
He started keeping his distance from me, by staying up late watching tv falling asleep on the couch and sleeping there all night. We didn't do anything together on the weekends but maybe once every now and then. We never spent any time together. He wouldn't cuddle with me or hold my hand just the little things to show his love he stopped doing. Then Friday evening he said he needed to go away for a couple of days, said he needed to get away from me for awhile. He was gone until Sunday, when he came home late that night it was this isn't working. He was mean all day Monday asking me why I still try to make him a family man, to go find the family man, to pack my stuff get out and never come back. So, Monday evening that's what I did, Tuesday I moved totally out and in with my mom.
Yesterday, he calls saying I took some of his stuff, not it was all mine. Then he says he going to get the paper work going. About 2-hrs later he calls me crying saying he loves me and always did but he never asked me to come home. He told me he would call me back he never has. I had to call him b/c my moms dog hates my cat so I had to take the cat back to him, heartbroken over my cat too. He said he would take care of the cat and to take him back. That was it no I love you no nothing just bye. I haven't heard from him since and it's killing me. We were married for almost 5yrs together for almost 7yrs this November. No children, just 2-dogs and my cat. I've lost everything, my home,my dh, my animals and my car is broke down. That's my story it sucks, and I cry all the time. Even though I know I shouldn't even bat an eye at him, I miss him sooo much. My heart has been ripped out and stomped on.

Stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
In reply to: stacyboomer
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 3:05pm

I know what you are feeling and trust me, in time that longing will pass. My STBX called me more after we separated than when we were together. It took a while for me to understand that he was calling because he felt guilty and confused about what to do next, and was having a hard time separating from me emotionally. I continued to take his calls at work and talk like we were friends, but in the long run I realized that those friendly chats were keeping me from accepting the reality that my relationship with him was over. I mean, I didn't want chit-chat. I wanted a real husband who would treat me with love and respect, and my STBX was not willing to be that person. It was difficult to stop calling him, and it did hurt when he gradually stopped calling me, but I realize that it helped me to get out of the fantasy that he and I were still together in some weird kind of way. I was able to move on and focus on myself and my children instead of my STBX and his inconsistent "friendship".

This is one of the hardest stages. I don't know your history, but if you have tried to repair your marriage and it hasn't worked, or if you were in an unhealthy relationship with your H, then it may be time for you to let go. Only you will know when and only you can make that decision. It's hard to let go of a marriage, and you will go through a natural withdrawal from your H. There is an excellent book titled "Healing After Abandonment" (can't remember the author) that describes all of the emotional and physical changes that we go through after a break-up. It really helped me to understand that the longing I felt for my STBX, no matter how badly he treated me, was totally normal and that it would pass. When I realized that I needed to stop talking to him, I enlisted a few girlfriends to help me through. Whenever I felt like calling my STBX, I would call one of them first and they were usually successful in talking me out of it. Call on your friends and family, write in a journal, come to this board and vent your frustration and disappointment. But know that you have it in you to get through this. You're much stronger than you think.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
In reply to: stacyboomer
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 4:07pm
Okay, I understand better now. It's very hard when you have to accept that the life, happily ever after you thought you would have has been ripped from you. Why is it that you had to move out, since he didnt want to make things work why didnt he move. You may not see it now but you already have a gift. You can make a clean break. No confusion of having to stay in contact with him to co-parent. You have no idea much easier it is when you dont have to share a child with that person who has become a total stranger from the person you initially fell in love with. It all just takes time honey. All that you feel is completely normal. No Contact is best. You'll see. Use this time to rediscover who YOU are. What YOU want, what YOUR dreams are. Read, that helped me alot, PRAY, that also helped. Stay away from him. There's no reason to see, or talk to him, it will only make it harder to move on. Email me anytime.