Why am i depressed? I wanted this!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Why am i depressed? I wanted this!!
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Tue, 11-07-2006 - 5:21pm
I asked for a divorce 2 months ago. He moved out a month ago. The first few weeks I felt free, elated, energetic and hopeful. Then one morning I woke up with the lowest feeling. its going on a week now that I am feeling this and I cant shake it.First guilt that I was responsible for blowing up the family. ( I have one, we have 2 together) And (this is so dont get) I miss having someone else around.I miss the feeling of an intact family. I dont understand this. I wanted this, and have wanted it for a long time. In 12 years of marriage, we worked endlessly on problems that never got better and I felt drained, empty, hopeless, suffocated, angry and resentful. We separated 2 times and I actually filed for divorce 3 years ago. Caved everytime. But not out of love, or working things out, out of fear, lonliness and this overbearing urge to have a "normal" family. Maybe it makes it hard becuase he wasnt a drinker, abuser or anything. Except for not caring a whole lot about my first child, and thier friction, Id have to say hes a pretty decent guy. But we married young and I never fell in love with him. I guess i expected that to come later. We talked and talked and talked, crap, for hours and days on end about problems and such and nothing ever got better. I guess the driving force to make me want to leave is that I just cant live in a relationship where there is no love, and whereas I know that passion fades with time, there never was any there to begin with, and at least couples that had that at first, have something to look back on and cling to. Wow. Im rambling. Just wondering if anyone else out there is going thru the same thing. Im so puzzled at how I could be so sure, as sure as I am breathing, that this is what I wanted and now I am missing the familiarity and the family structure. Never saw this piece coming. Not prepared for it and dont know how to make it go away so i can move on with my life. Any advice??????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 3:57am
You are not alone... I could have almost written your post word for word. From my experiences, this is a totally normal occurence. That "relief" that you were expereincing in the beginning is now wearing off, and reality is setting in. That feeling of confusion, loneliness, guilt are all very normal. Afterall, this is your life, the life you have known for 12 years and it has all but been turned upside down. Just because you asked for the divorce does not mean that you asked for the dishevelment of your family as you know it. I am currently in the same boat as you... asked for a divorce, am in the process of moving out, and there are days I am happier than ever and other days where I just want to sit in a cormer and cry myself to sleep. I am scared to death to be alone, scared I am making the wrong decision for not only myself but my 2 little girls, and I too miss that familiarity of the "family." But let me ask you this, those other times you left and ended up going back, after you settled back in to the routine of things, did things seem changed or did they just go back to the way that made you miserable to being with? Change is extremely hard! This whole process is not going to be an easy one, but if you have been through countless attempts to fix your marriage, then you have to trust in the fact that you are doing the right thing. I myself am coming out of a 7 year marriage that sounds very similar to yours. Married very young, and I too have always felt that lack of "love" or being in love that I always thought should be a part of a marriage. He too is not a bad person... no abuse or anything, just different people with different views I suppose. And on top of that, he never wanted this and still doesn't. So that of course adds to my stress and guilt. On top of all the changes, I think one of the biggest factors that drive these feelings now is the guilt. Feeling like you are "ruining" everyones life. Well guess what. YOU ARE NOT! If mom is not happy, then your kids will sense that. I always figured it would be better for my kids to have 2 happy parents who are apart then 2 miserable ones together that argue about everything. So I guess all I can say is that now is the time to find support in friends, family, whoever you can. Take a deep breath and try to accept that this is going to be hard. I finally realized that if I just accept that its going to be hard and rather painful at times, then it makes it a little easier. Just take each day as it comes. I find that if I pour all my time and energy into being a good mom as well as finding time for me, I keep occupied and don't have time to be lonely. Some days I feel like running back and saying forget it, I don't want a divorce, but then I think about all the times I did go back and how I always ended up miserable. Find a new hobby, make new friends, join a support group. Learn to trust yourself and the decision you made, and never give up hope that one day you will find love and be happy! Okay now I sound like I'm on a soap box! LOL! Anyway, I'm no expert, just wanted to lend a shoulder and hugs! Btw... are you a nurse?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 11:52am
I think this is what is keeping me from leaving at times. I have a friend who I KNEW would be divorced before long. She was just miserable-he was miserable and everyone knew it was coming. When she finally left, she was so glad the first few weeks but then it all came to a halt. I would talk to her for hours on end and it was really bad when the kids went to their dads. She would be alone and her identity as wife (albeit miserable) and mother were halted all together in one aspect and partly in another. She was no longer anyones wife. That was so hard for her, as that is how we are identified in so many aspects of our life. I guess I am just trying to gain a better understanding of how cold the water will be before I jump off the cliff!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 11:55am

I too could have written this...

My divorce was final almost 2 years ago now, and I still feel this way sometimes. I think, or hope (LOL) that it is somewhat normal.

I was with my ex since I was 18 (I am 38 now) and the last few years, after marriage counseling and "trying" to work everything out, in the end, it was what we both wanted. Until I wanted it of course, then it was all my fault! ;-)

But now, even thought I have met someone else, it just is not the same. I think it is too the breakdown of the family that I miss the most. Not him. I feel jealous of all of the "functional" families around. ANd I feel sorry and guilty for my 2 daughters. I never intended for it to turn out this way.

Hopefully, this passes with time...

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 1:44pm
Thank you so much for your reply. I posted on here in the hopes that there would be someone somewhere that had a similar situation. It is hard, and becuase I am in the early stages of it, I have more "moments" where I feel good and hopefull, then back down again. I agree that staying busy helps. You asked about the times I did go back, and yes, things very quickly went back to the sameold sameold. Part of me knew they would. All times I went back at about this point where the guilt became overwhelming and I got scared and lacked confidence that I could do it on my own. There are times I have to physically force myself to stay off the computer to avoid emailing him in a moment of weakness. A very dear friend told me,"if you choose to go back, make that decision when you are strong. Not when you are weak. then you will know its what you want." I have yet to have a moment where I am tempted to pick it back up again when I am strong. I am a very homey family oriented person by nature (zodiac sign cancer the crab) and no matter what else is going on, that is my focus. So yes, my whole world is upside down.Im alittle angry at myself for not seeing this coming, but then again, if I had known, it probly would have kept me from doing it, for a little while longer anyway. I have always had the gut feeling that if I am happy and strong then my kids will sense that and benefit from it. All my textbooks say the opposite..lol..but I have a feeling there is some bias influence in the writing of those textbooks..lol...I am not a nurse yet...just a little while longer God-willing. I am a fulltime college student at the very end of my pre-recs, i should be able to start applying to programs in the spring and summer. I have the 2 hardest quarters coming up, with both A&P's O-chemistry and microbiology. Thats another reason im wanting to shake this, my day is about to become harder. To top it all off, our first child together is developmentally disabled, (tourettes autism and ADHD) He is alot of work. I am accustom to that work and have become used to the extra time physically and mentally that it takes to raise him. But I will admit that I think ahead alot (Im bad about needing to have a clear plan and thinking of the future) and Im wondering, when his own father could barely deal with his issues, how am I ever going to not be alone. How is another man not biologically related going to care about him and be willing to accept this crazy life? Im not jumping into anything at all, just thinking ahead down the road. I dont want to be alone forever. who does??? So yeah. lots and lots going thru my mind. And something that I have a feeling everyone is having a hard time with is the holidays coming up. Wow. Its going to take alot to get thru that. Its may absolute favorite time of the year and I know that this year there will be a little (or big) black cloud over it all. (deep breathe) Ive heard the "firsts" are the hardest. I really really hope so. Anyway, thanks again for your post. It helped.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 1:54pm
I miss being a wife terribly. And thats so confusing. All I have ever been (until going back to college a couple years ago) is wife and mother. And often times, both to him. That was part of my identity too, and Im glad I went back to school because now I have an outside piece to cling to. I could not imagine being a stay at home mom full time with nothing but sorting socks and my thoughts. This has been a distraction from school (I lost my + on my B that i was so proud of) but school is also a distraction from the divorce to. It has taken on more meaning. Now that I mostly live on student loans, it is my job and I like to concider it that. Grades go down, money gos away. Its motivating. I do hope to be someones wife again someday. I like to think I was a good one. And if I made it work for so long without being in love, I like to think of how great it will be with someone I am in love with. But I am taking this time to think of all the things I want differently in a relationsip next time. Seeing red flags, and not seeing the world thru rose colored glassed. The bigges thing I think I will do next time, Is, if there is a traits or a behavior that bugs me, Im going to ask myself if i can live with that. not if I can change that. Big mistake first time around. I was positive I could "force" love to be there. Anyway, I think its different to some degree for everyone. I wish you the best of luck in your decisions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 1:59pm
yeah, the "whole" families get me too. Especially at this time of the year. I am hoping to make it whole again, even if that is to just learn accept there are different kinds of "whole" and be okay with that. Hard to imagine though being a traditional kind of person.....i was reading through some stuff about divorce and actually the ones that leave get hit with the most guilt. Why this is a surprise to me I have no idea. Maybe becuase the feelings to leave at first are so sure and strong. Im very early into this and am taking it-literally- and hour at a time. Good luck to you and thank you for your post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 4:59pm

I was married for 7 years to someone who suffers from depression and basically brought it out on me and my son from a previous relationship (I had my son young before I was married). We had 2 more children together.

For years I gave him pretty much an ultimatum to either get help and work on our marriage or end things. I guess I thought somehow me and the kids would come out on top, but we didn't.......

I also have major emotional ups and downs- pretty much stuck in angry for the moment. I don't exactly know how to move on from here........I couldn't handle being treated the way I was for another minute, but I am seriously mourning the loss of our "family." I just don't know how to move on from here. I am 32, I have my education, a good job, great kids....but I miss having a 'somebody' to relax with when the hw is all done and the kids are in bed. Then again, my STBX wasn't there for me anyway. Do you think we just miss the 'idea' of the person instead of the person?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 10:48pm
Once again, reading your post was like reading a page out of my diary... that is if I had time to write in one, LOL!! =) First let me say I am right there with you about the holidays. I am dreading them already, which makes me so sad because I too absolutely LOVE the holidays, family, togetherness not to mention the Christmas music! I have already put our "schedule" together, or rather should I say I "argued" my way through a schedule. Being a nurse, my work requires me to work holidays anyway, so I guess I'm sort of used to not being able to be with them for the whole time... so I just keep saying to myself "this too shall pass." I also wanted to say something about your comment regarding not being able to turn on the computer in fear that you would e-mail him. And I thought it was just me!!! =) In fact, I have learned my mistake from that. STBX and I seperated in March 2005 originally, and in a moment of weakness I sent him a text message with a quote from a song we used to listen to. Well, long story short, he of course was willing to jump right back in the marriage even after all the hell he had put me through in 9 months of the divorce, and we ended up back together. Well of course things didn't remain changed, and on top of that I was not in love and hadn't been for a long long time, so things went back down hill and here we are again. He still uses manipulation on me and tries to act like he is in control, I'm sure because he is hurt and angry at me. So that makes it even harder, because I am dealing with the guilt of breaking up the family and then being made to feel like I am unworthy of any sort of happiness. In fact, I am usally a very strong minded person (think GEMINI!! LOL!) but for some reason maybe because of the guilt, I am much mroe passive and even almost a push over with him at the moment. In fact we had a run in today in which I basically rolled over and gave in on something I normally wouldn't, and a very close friend of mine lit a fire under me by telling me to just keep rolling over like that and see what happened. Well, it made me take a look and relaize that even though I may have been the one to decide I wanted to end it, but that doens't mean I now have to suffer through it. You mentioned your son has special needs, and it makes you wonder who would ever take that one. WEl, guess what =) There is someone out there that will embrace your situation, you will see! I'm sure its hard to imagine right now, but you have time. For now, it sounds like you have your plate full as it is. Those classes you mentioned bring back lovely memories. (yah I don't think so!) Actually A&P was actually one of my favorites, but I rahter disliked organic chem. Do you mind if I ask where abouts you are from? Nurses are definitely in high demand, so if you can forge forward during the rough times it will all be worth it in the end. Anyway, I think I've rambled enough for now. This board is a perfect way to get some of that stuff off our minds, and even better with others who are experiencing the same things we are. Big hugs and hang in there!!!! =)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 1:52am
Thank you very much for your post. It helps to see so many people are going thru the same thing. I am in southern washington right now, but am going home to the puget sound this summer. Its taking everything i have to concentrate on school. and still, thats only enough to pass. Luckily I started the quarter with awesome grades so i have alittle wiggle room. this weekend has been an emo nightmare for me. It is so much harder when he is nice, i will tell you that. I wish the family could be intact again, and Ive spent most of the day crying that it cant be. I took the boys to see him today and it was hard to see him. I actually miss him, which blows my mind. 3 months ago i was ready to scream feeling so suffocated, and now i just cry. I also got angry tho because he said he had been out on some dates and stuff, (your free to do that when you are living with your parents and not saddled with kids and school) and that he is more focused and determined and is going back to nursing school as well. Focused and determined is what attracted me to him in the first place. He lost all of that when we got married. So i tried in vain for 12 years. Only for him to find it 2 months after leaving the house. I know that this is my own selfish need for a "whole" family, and some guilt. On the other hand he has admitted to me that he stopped trying to make me happy years ago and was a "slug" in the marriage. But im the demon witch that dare wanted out. I just never dreamed in a million years that I would be this confused about it all. This is after all when i caved all the other times. Im holding ground and its a thousand times harder than i imagined. It makes no sense to me at all. If I could believe that he really would try, keep the stamina and act like he gives a crap, Id half concider at least starting counciling. Im that tired of the pain already. Well, sorry, I guess I just really needed to vent after this weekend. Thank you again for your post. (and i may hit you up for some help with A&P next quarter...lol...) take care
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 4:30am
Okay, now I am CONVINCED you have somehow hacked into my mind and are posting my thoughts! LOL! It's crazy the similarities between not only our situations but our thought processes also... so let's see, where to start. I guess by saying I'm so sorry that you had a rough weekend. Yes I agree sometimes it is the hardest when they are nice. And I can't understand the whole thing about how all of a sudden once you decide to leave them that they FINALLY start doing all those things you tried all along to get them to do. What the heck is up with that? Mine was the same way, determined, ambitious, all that stuff that attracts you to them, then somehow he got lazy, lost his drive and I felt like I was his mother more than anything. But now all of a sudden he is back out there doing things, setting goals and all that! I even mentioned that to him, probably not a good idea on my part though, LOL! He did mention that he read a book that said something to the effect that men become domesticated in a marriage and lose that "manliness", whatever that means =) The thing is this though... somehow we have this idea in our mind on how we want them to be, and then when you remove all the stress from the sitution, (you know the day to day life,) then we can easliy pick up on those positives that they elude. But I keep telling myself, if I go back, I will not be happy after the newness wears off again and we are no longer on our best behavior. See, one of my biggest things was the love thing... I honestly don't know if I was ever "in-love." He was a good man in most ways, very controlling and sometimes played mind games and was quite manipulative, but not abusive and took care of his family. That of course makes it all the much harder for us, doesn't it! As far as missing him, of course you do. I miss my STBX sometimes as well, because there were some of those happy moments. I mostly miss memories with the kids... seeing them happy and I know they would like to see both their parents every day, but if there is too much fighting is it worth it? But I finally decided I couldn't live my life waiting for the happy moments, that they should come often with perhaps hard times being sparce. He is so angry at me for not being able to just "be happy" but what they don't undertand is we don't choose who we love. I'm sure we could manage to survive a life in our respective marriages and put on a happy face, but in my opinion life is just too short to just "settle". What scares me is that the fear and lonliness will overtake me some day and I will go back... but so far I just take it day by day, I cry when I need to, and eventually it fades and I can carry on with my day. We all miss that sense of "wholeness" that the nuclear family provides. No need to worry about when you get to see your kids, who's day it is to pick them up, looking in their beautiful little faces and explaining why mommy and daddy aren't living together. It is hard as hell, but guess what, life is hard =) Anything worth it is going to take some fighting for... so in your case, I don't know exactly what the issues were, but ask yourself this, if you go to counseling and he is able to retain his newfound attitude, could you truly be happy, or would you just be doing it to have somebody there and have that "family". Because if you don't do it for the right reasons, you are going to regret it. But if you think that with counseling you could maybe work through it, then maybe it's worth a shot? My suggestion is perhaps give it some more time, let the pain set in and see if it starts to fade. Your friend was 100% right, don't make a decision when you are weak, wait until you are strong. In the "panic" moments (as I call them), have a friend you can call at any hour of the day so they can talk you back to reality and get you over those times when you feel as if you can't survive. You are still very new in this part, (as am I) and it must feel like a fresh cut. But the scab has to form in order for the healing to start (okay eww gross my nursing side kicking in there LOL!) Anyway, I seem to ramble whenever I am responding to your posts. But to be honest, its quite therapeutic for me because I feel almost as if I am giving myself a pep talk!!!! =) And by the way, Washington state is beautiful! I'm from the NW myself, but currently residing in the south with all the snow birds, fun fun! Once again, just take a deep breath and tell yourself that you are worth the happiness!!! In whatver way it will come. Look at your children and know that you are a good mom and you are working hard on your future....

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