Why am i depressed? I wanted this!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Why am i depressed? I wanted this!!
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Tue, 11-07-2006 - 5:21pm
I asked for a divorce 2 months ago. He moved out a month ago. The first few weeks I felt free, elated, energetic and hopeful. Then one morning I woke up with the lowest feeling. its going on a week now that I am feeling this and I cant shake it.First guilt that I was responsible for blowing up the family. ( I have one, we have 2 together) And (this is so dont get) I miss having someone else around.I miss the feeling of an intact family. I dont understand this. I wanted this, and have wanted it for a long time. In 12 years of marriage, we worked endlessly on problems that never got better and I felt drained, empty, hopeless, suffocated, angry and resentful. We separated 2 times and I actually filed for divorce 3 years ago. Caved everytime. But not out of love, or working things out, out of fear, lonliness and this overbearing urge to have a "normal" family. Maybe it makes it hard becuase he wasnt a drinker, abuser or anything. Except for not caring a whole lot about my first child, and thier friction, Id have to say hes a pretty decent guy. But we married young and I never fell in love with him. I guess i expected that to come later. We talked and talked and talked, crap, for hours and days on end about problems and such and nothing ever got better. I guess the driving force to make me want to leave is that I just cant live in a relationship where there is no love, and whereas I know that passion fades with time, there never was any there to begin with, and at least couples that had that at first, have something to look back on and cling to. Wow. Im rambling. Just wondering if anyone else out there is going thru the same thing. Im so puzzled at how I could be so sure, as sure as I am breathing, that this is what I wanted and now I am missing the familiarity and the family structure. Never saw this piece coming. Not prepared for it and dont know how to make it go away so i can move on with my life. Any advice??????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 4:12pm
Okay, by the emoticon on your last post, I gotta ask......are you irish too??? LOL... Well, last night what started creeping over me (and i was grateful for it) was anger. For me being angry is easier than being sad and whistful for the past. (Okay, maybe not healthier, but easier) I did send him an email and told him no longer am i taking all the blame for ending this. So far I have been the "witch" and took all the blame. I told him I take my part, but there is alot he coulda woulda shoulda...he agreed (shock and surprise) And a whole two hour conversation ended up with agreeing to file for legal separation and proceeding on with our own (personal) lives, working on ourselves. It was agreed that we would put down the relationship for the time being and if in a year or so, we have managed to return to the people we were before we got married, and the people that attracted us to each other in the first place, and reach our personal goals,then we would 'concider' counciling, and taking tiny baby steps. All this is speculative though. Knowing full well that someone could enter either of our lives and make us happy, complete us and be the endall beall. If that happens, we will just proceed. He has already been out on dates and made it known he has "needs"....yeah so do i, but mine are more to the tune of candles, honest talks and slow dancing. (never once did we slow danced in 12 years) I think Im just as confused about this, but for some reason it takes some pressure off. I dont have to face a courtroom and the finality of it all in a couple months. Maybe thats chicken s*** of me, but right now, any way that I can feel alittle better Im going to take. I have lost all focus on school and i need to get that back. Finals are coming like a frieght train. To make matters worse, my best friend in the world just moved to Italy, and communication is sparatic. After talking every day for a decade, now we are lucky to talk every 6 weeks and email a couple times a month. Thats hard. We moved down here to Southern washington for school, not knowing anyone, so i have no family and no friends for at least 2 hours in either direction. All these things make it harder not to cave in. Then there is a very long time friend that I have (guy) who I have had a nice friendship with since high school (lost touch couple times as people do) found each other again last spring and he has been a big help thru this. But complicating things, feelings have developed and we have spent some time together. (first date slow dancing....talk about feeding a starving person, it was like heaven) ( But no i havent crossed that line for my own moral reasons, and thats okay with my friend. he totally understands. more shock and surprise) Right now it is a long distance thing, which i am so grateful for, so i dont jump into anything and we can maintain our friendship with the bonus of some romance and just take it slow) It wont be long distance after the new year however, his assignment will be over and will be moving back to his home,within 2 hours of me I think that something could become of this because we had the foundation of friendship first, and now slowing moving into dating, with uber-caution, but those are foundations that werent there with STBX. This is so ironic, i think i mentioned in the first post I made that i dont ever remember feeling in love with him. I grew to "love" him, care for him and take care of him, but romance was not there. Thats something I just dont know if i can live without anymore. His arguement is that if he hadnt been a slug in the relationship then the foundations would have been built for that to be culitvated. who knows. I certianly dont. So I guess I am relieved to do the legal separation, and live our lives privately(cept for the kids) because what is developing with my long time friend, i dont know that i want to give up just to take a chance on what ive gotten burned on several times before, you know?
I firmly believe there needs to be a class in high school on relationships and marriage. No joke, there are so many out there like us, not abused or beaten, but just sad becuase they settled and the desire to be happy is so strong after so long that we have to get to this point. And its just a mess. If half the population were going to fall and break thier leg and that was a statistical given, wouldnt there be manditory safty classes somewhere somehow??? LOL...They soooooo shouldnt stop at sex-ed in school...Okay, thats my public service announcement for the day. Thanks again for you replys, It is amazing the similarities in our situations. I hope to keep talking to you..Have a great day!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 5:19pm

Hi Nursmolly,


There's a sense of "let down" or "buyers remorse" in such a major decision as divorce. We think about it, plan it, and then execute it never suspecting we'll feel bad or sad once the deed is done. Divorce is all about rejection. Even the person who decides to leave a marriage will feel "rejected" even though they might have wanted out. Divorce is a minefield of change and emotions.


So, allow yourself the opportunity to grieve your loss. Divorce is a series of milestones not a single act.


Good luck,


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 9:06pm
Hi nursmolly, I'm pretty new here myself, I totally understand how you feel. I married young and was with him for 26 yrs. Our marriage was rocky from the start and never improved much.
About 6 yrs ago my h had an affair, not to get into details, but I ended up taking him back. I grew to resent him, more because he blamed me for him having an affair, he was never remorseful. I gave the marriage my best for those 6 yrs and found that I didn't like him very much.
I also filed for divorce, I know the freedom and happiness that you feel at first. I didn't do this to tear my family apart. The adult kids already know how their dad is. My youngest son is the reason I'd been holding on. I just knew this past Spring that I couldn't stand to be with my h anymore. He was just as miserable as I was.
Even though I instigated the divorce I do feel depressed at times. This was the guy I was suppossed to grow old with. We have two grandkids. I'm in my middle 40's. I found it hard to live with someone who is never happy. No matter what you do for them, they always find something else wrong. He thrived on drama as well.
I'm too old for that kind of stuff.
I try not to think about the negative things, because dwelling on them will only make me bitter. I know that there are times when I feel at the bottom of the barrel, but I always crawl back up.
I made a list before I filed for divorce...it sounds cheesy, but I listed the reasons to stay and the reasons to divorce.
The reason to divorce list was much longer than the reasons to stay. I don't regret my choice. I regret not doing it 6 yrs earlier.
The holidays are much harder, but things will get better.
Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 5:06am
Actually, I am part Irish =) There is quite a mix to me, but Irish is definitely there! My first daughter has the strawberry blond hair, and my little brother had the fiery red hair growing up! So anyway, it looks like you are on the right track now... it sounds like you are making a very good decision about the legal separation. That way you can do as you said and live your seperate lives for the most part, and that way when you are ready to look at the situation again, you will be in the position to make a decision when you are "Strong". I personally am way past that legal seperation and I'm going all the way! =) I've been back and forth too many times, its time to move on. But then again he is being an absoulte @$$hole because he thinks I am ruining his and my kids life and I am a quitter blah blah blah. Honestly it's getting old hearing the bullsh*t and then the next sentence out of his mouth is why are you not trying to make this work. Like you said, they don't want to take responsibility for their part in all of this, we may have chosen to leave but it's not like they were perfect angels? Okay sorry, enough about them! So onto the next subject, the "guy" friend. I myself went through a very confusing situation that I probably shoulnd't just spill out on the board cuz knowing my ex he would probably find a place like this and just read things and well just in case, I will save that story for an e-mail! But as for your situation, let me just say I feel you! Its such an awesome feeling to be able to say you are "in-love" with someone. It makes life all the much better. And especially if you have a good friendship base, because lovers should be best friends. Anyway, I have to cut this short because I am actually at work and the babies are calling my name... So maybe we could exchange e-mail addresses or something? Hope you have a wonderful day! Mine will be spent sleeping cuz I worked all night! Talk to you later...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 9:38pm
Its a better day today. things are alittle more clear with every day that passes. Okay, sometimes there are days that just drag on into another, but this morning i got up and drinking my morning coffee, realized i felt good. Not "happy" but good. Its a start. Also my best friend in Italy called just at the right time, and we had a 2 hour talk, (her poor phone bill) but that helped.
Got a call from STBX and he changed his mind, no need for the legal separation, just wants to go thru with the divorce. I am so use to things changing overnight it is not even funny. This did not surprise me, only reinforced (one of the reasons why) i wanted to leave. I said thats fine. Got accused of having no feelings about it, but i sort of have to numb myself because he does change his mind alot about stuff. I sort of go with the flow and dont get emotionally invested in any one decision, knowing it may well change. Its starting to make sense why I couldnt open up to him and be comfortable. who can be comfortable when they can never let thier guard down. Anyway, my email addy is nursenut2002@yahoo.com . Shoot me a quick email there and i will reply with my main email addy that i use more often. Hope all is going well for you, Biology has me exausted tonight...uuggghhhh....Thanks again for all the support, to all of you that have replied to my little plea for help...lol...I am grateful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 10:19pm
So true. I guess i was naive in thinking that it wouldnt be simply because i was the one who wanted out. I even feel responsible for the rejection he feels, which is hard to deal with too. I just have to hope that it gets easier with time i guess. Thank you for your reply
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 10:28pm
WOW. I cant imagine staying for 26yrs. Another emotion I have found is a sense of loss for the 12 years i was in this relationship. Im 34, and feel like the best years of my life were spent banging my head on the wall and feeling lonely. ( I hear it from some older friends all the time that I have only just begun to live) and that is good to know, but still, all of my twenties were wrapped up in this.....I too have a "mental" list that i go over, and the list to leave is always longer. The only reasons to stay involve traditions and stuff with the kids and a need for things to be and feel "normal". Every day that passes that i have some form of contact with him reinforces my decision though. I really want better. I think I deserve better. The only thing that chokes me up is my boys. they love thier dad so much and are so young, (11 and 7) they really cant understand this. If it were just me, (or just me and my daughter) I think it would be so much easier. but its not just us, and its not easier, and I am just trying to take it one day at a time. I really really really just want to get through the holidays this year. Get em over with. Start the new year with a new perspective. Thank you for you post and good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 4:15am
I ask myself that same question every day. I don't have any answers, but I just had to tell all of you within this thread how much reading your stories has helped me. My story is the same and I've been feeling very guilty leaving a good man just b/c he couldn't give me what I needed emotionally. I feel like I'm being selfish for turning our lives upside down over something so petty. Some people have it much worse and deal with it. I've been gone for 6 months this time and I've come so close to caving and going back whenever the guilt becomes unbearable, which is often. This weekend was one of those times. I'm so glad I found this board. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I gain strength and confidance with every post I read and I thank you all. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 5:55am
I feel depressed also. I filed for divorce but never wanted it - my husband is a truck driver and a drug addict. We have been married for 21 years (and dated for 4). I do feel like I gave him the best years of my life....after all when we were young and carefree...things didn't seem so stressful -- I should have left back then. I do understand that truck drivins is an honorable profession...but it is not a good profession for an addict. He would get clean (or at least it would seem) for a while and then get right back on the stuff (whatever the drug of choice was at time). He is a good man otherwise....he is everything that everyone else complains about their husband not being. He Never Ever fussed, didn't care whether I cooked or not, could clean better than me, and would be up long after I went to bed working on cleaning and all --- when he was home --- I guess he tried to put in 7 days in 1 1/2 days. We have two children and I would have stayed with him forever - I did think that one day we would grow old together...and if it was left up to me we would...of course I don't know what that old age would be like because he can't keep a job so he would never be able to retire. He left in September and just never came back. That has been so hard...it would have been much easier if he would have been man enough to say I want a divorce, I'm back on drugs, I'm having an affair or something...but nope not a word. No clue that our "other paycheck" would just END. The last penny I received from him was September 25th. So here it is the holidays start next week...and he isn't around to help pay for anything and my paycheck doesn't even cover the necessities. I was looking back at last year and you know he was home (on weekends that is) last year....and we were really no better off financially....it just seems we could never swing it...and no we don't live extravagantly at all. My husband is living in the next town, and I find myself wondering how he washing clothes, is he staying warm, why doesn't he have a job --- and he doesn't because people see him every single day here in our town during the middle of the day. He rides by our house everyday and hasn't stopped but once and that was Sunday morning at 2:00 a.m. (just like I was going to answer the doorbell at 2:00 a.m.) We sort of thought that he would come back by on Sunday and just sit on the porch and talk about why things are going the way it is. But no - that never happened. I guess the hardest part for me is that I had "all" the reason in the world to leave him and never did; drug addictions, hundreds of jobs, affairs, being gone as a truck driver, worrying about taxes every year, things getting cut off here, him being arrested once, community service work, re-hab more than once -- and did I leave him --- NO but he walked out on me and the kids (13 & 17). I have my family and his family so I do have a support system....but this is SO HARD.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 10:09am
I think finding this board has been one of the most helpful things to me. It was easier to feel more guilty, and like something is wrong with me, until I found that lots of other people are going through the same thing. Its two months now that I have been gone (or he left the house) and Id like to say it is starting to ease but with the holidays coming, I know that more emo roller coaster is coming. I started some christmas shopping today, feeling good with a new credit card in my name alone. But as I wandered around,hearing the music and seeing all the christmas stuff, I got so sad, I just left the store. I was feeling guilty that he will be huring this christmas. I have always adored the christmas season and he used to hate it, but has grown to somewhat love it with my infulence. So I know hes looking at the same sights and hearing the same music and its hard for both of us. That feels like it sits right on my shoulders and I carry the weight of it every day.
I too have almost gone back in moments of weakenss desperate for the familiarity, and even though I wasnt happy, someone was HERE. But i know that is for the wrong reasons and It will only be worse later. I did some research on the internet about emotions during divorce, and found that the one that leaves suffers from overwhelming guilt ussually. Even when it was a bad abusive situation. This is so often left out of the whole divorce equation, and eveyone expects us to be fine. My STBX called the other day and i had been crying and it baffled him. He said 'well you wanted this so you should be overjoyed.' It is so not that simple. I wanted to post more in reply to you, but have to get the school shuffle on, maybe i can add to it later. good luck to you and take care.

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