Why am i depressed? I wanted this!!
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Why am i depressed? I wanted this!!
| Tue, 11-07-2006 - 5:21pm |
I asked for a divorce 2 months ago. He moved out a month ago. The first few weeks I felt free, elated, energetic and hopeful. Then one morning I woke up with the lowest feeling. its going on a week now that I am feeling this and I cant shake it.First guilt that I was responsible for blowing up the family. ( I have one, we have 2 together) And (this is so dont get) I miss having someone else around.I miss the feeling of an intact family. I dont understand this. I wanted this, and have wanted it for a long time. In 12 years of marriage, we worked endlessly on problems that never got better and I felt drained, empty, hopeless, suffocated, angry and resentful. We separated 2 times and I actually filed for divorce 3 years ago. Caved everytime. But not out of love, or working things out, out of fear, lonliness and this overbearing urge to have a "normal" family. Maybe it makes it hard becuase he wasnt a drinker, abuser or anything. Except for not caring a whole lot about my first child, and thier friction, Id have to say hes a pretty decent guy. But we married young and I never fell in love with him. I guess i expected that to come later. We talked and talked and talked, crap, for hours and days on end about problems and such and nothing ever got better. I guess the driving force to make me want to leave is that I just cant live in a relationship where there is no love, and whereas I know that passion fades with time, there never was any there to begin with, and at least couples that had that at first, have something to look back on and cling to. Wow. Im rambling. Just wondering if anyone else out there is going thru the same thing. Im so puzzled at how I could be so sure, as sure as I am breathing, that this is what I wanted and now I am missing the familiarity and the family structure. Never saw this piece coming. Not prepared for it and dont know how to make it go away so i can move on with my life. Any advice??????

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I firmly believe there needs to be a class in high school on relationships and marriage. No joke, there are so many out there like us, not abused or beaten, but just sad becuase they settled and the desire to be happy is so strong after so long that we have to get to this point. And its just a mess. If half the population were going to fall and break thier leg and that was a statistical given, wouldnt there be manditory safty classes somewhere somehow??? LOL...They soooooo shouldnt stop at sex-ed in school...Okay, thats my public service announcement for the day. Thanks again for you replys, It is amazing the similarities in our situations. I hope to keep talking to you..Have a great day!
Hi Nursmolly,
There's a sense of "let down" or "buyers remorse" in such a major decision as divorce. We think about it, plan it, and then execute it never suspecting we'll feel bad or sad once the deed is done. Divorce is all about rejection. Even the person who decides to leave a marriage will feel "rejected" even though they might have wanted out. Divorce is a minefield of change and emotions.
So, allow yourself the opportunity to grieve your loss. Divorce is a series of milestones not a single act.
Good luck,
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
About 6 yrs ago my h had an affair, not to get into details, but I ended up taking him back. I grew to resent him, more because he blamed me for him having an affair, he was never remorseful. I gave the marriage my best for those 6 yrs and found that I didn't like him very much.
I also filed for divorce, I know the freedom and happiness that you feel at first. I didn't do this to tear my family apart. The adult kids already know how their dad is. My youngest son is the reason I'd been holding on. I just knew this past Spring that I couldn't stand to be with my h anymore. He was just as miserable as I was.
Even though I instigated the divorce I do feel depressed at times. This was the guy I was suppossed to grow old with. We have two grandkids. I'm in my middle 40's. I found it hard to live with someone who is never happy. No matter what you do for them, they always find something else wrong. He thrived on drama as well.
I'm too old for that kind of stuff.
I try not to think about the negative things, because dwelling on them will only make me bitter. I know that there are times when I feel at the bottom of the barrel, but I always crawl back up.
I made a list before I filed for divorce...it sounds cheesy, but I listed the reasons to stay and the reasons to divorce.
The reason to divorce list was much longer than the reasons to stay. I don't regret my choice. I regret not doing it 6 yrs earlier.
The holidays are much harder, but things will get better.
Good luck to you.
Got a call from STBX and he changed his mind, no need for the legal separation, just wants to go thru with the divorce. I am so use to things changing overnight it is not even funny. This did not surprise me, only reinforced (one of the reasons why) i wanted to leave. I said thats fine. Got accused of having no feelings about it, but i sort of have to numb myself because he does change his mind alot about stuff. I sort of go with the flow and dont get emotionally invested in any one decision, knowing it may well change. Its starting to make sense why I couldnt open up to him and be comfortable. who can be comfortable when they can never let thier guard down. Anyway, my email addy is nursenut2002@yahoo.com . Shoot me a quick email there and i will reply with my main email addy that i use more often. Hope all is going well for you, Biology has me exausted tonight...uuggghhhh....Thanks again for all the support, to all of you that have replied to my little plea for help...lol...I am grateful.
I too have almost gone back in moments of weakenss desperate for the familiarity, and even though I wasnt happy, someone was HERE. But i know that is for the wrong reasons and It will only be worse later. I did some research on the internet about emotions during divorce, and found that the one that leaves suffers from overwhelming guilt ussually. Even when it was a bad abusive situation. This is so often left out of the whole divorce equation, and eveyone expects us to be fine. My STBX called the other day and i had been crying and it baffled him. He said 'well you wanted this so you should be overjoyed.' It is so not that simple. I wanted to post more in reply to you, but have to get the school shuffle on, maybe i can add to it later. good luck to you and take care.
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