Why am I so sad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Why am I so sad?
2
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 1:33am

Hello,
well, I just told my husband that our marriage was not working for me 1 week ago. We have been married for almost 7 years, and no kids (thank goodness). The primary reasons I was not happy was because he was not interested, and rejected me in any kind of intimacy (from holding hands, to kissing, to sex), he kept giving the "I'm not ready" speech about having kids, and he works 24/7 (holidays, weekends, a nights) at a rest. I am turning 30 next week, and I knew this had to be done. He was surprised, he felt like everything was going great. We started counseling to try and fix the intimacy issue @ a month ago, but we did not get off to a good start-- plus I found a large stash of internet porn on the computer. Seems he enjoyed it over me-- (PS. I feel I am attractive!)

I brought all this to him, and he feels like I should accept the way he is-- and I do not think he has an interest in changing. He barely even apologized or asked for another chance, but yet he says he was so happy in our marriage. We are staying extremely civil and friendly so far. We have joint everything, from the house, debts, credit, etc. He is moving out and I am going to stay in the house until it gets sold.

Here is the problem: I broke it off with him, and I feel like I made the right decision. Why is it so hard? I have been crying nonstop-- and just tonight, he called me to tell me that he is staying with a friend tonight so they can take him out. We are getting along as friends, but I know once this is over, its over. How do you get past the routine of being married to someone you still like and care about, but you know isn't the right man for you-- Why am I so sad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 9:01am

Awe, honey, because it is sad ... really sad. All those future dreams as a friend once put it -- gone. You hoped for children, you hoped for a real marriage. Those hopes are dashed. That is sad. It takes time to grieve and it comes and goes.

It takes time to detach and unwind the ties that bind. Painful progress.

My heart hurts for you, but from what you have said, you are wise.

Find an individual counselor to talk through your feelings and maybe continue the couples work to help detangle your lives.

Also, there are some good books -- I think one is called Uncoupling. Reading will help and journalling and counseling and hanging out ALOT with friends and making some positive changes in your home or in your activities.

Be patient with yourself.

Hugs,

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 12:23pm

I agree 100%, it is sad. What you thought your life would be now isn't and its devestating. Its a loss like anything else, almost death. The death of your dreams. I was with my husband for 13 years, married for 5, we have one son (2) and one baby on the way and are now in the process of a divorce. He has extreme anger issues, is manic, depressed and verbally abusive. It was time to say enough is enough for me, which it sounds like you got to that point too in your specific situation. My husband was a workoholic as well and not spending time with eachother made our already horrible problems even worse. We had intimacy issues as well, as a matter of fact from Feb til April we had sex 2x, one of whichw as the time I got pregnant. After one of the times, my husband actually told me he had trouble getting an erection and that he was embarassed because he had to go look at porn on the computer before he came to bed. I felt so unattractive I can't even tell you, it was nauseating. We have been separated 4 times in the last 2 years and I can't tell you how happy I am that this is finally happening. But there are sad days too.

I know that it is going to take FOREVER to get over my husband and I have good days and bad days. It goes up and down like a rollercoaster. Kind of like our marriage. But I hope that once all settles and the divorce is final I can be happy again. I guess that is my goal now, I think about what I want my life to be now that it isn't going to be what I thought it would with him. I have a daily reminder of him, our son, but he is the joy of my life and when I am feeling my worst he always puts a smile on my face.

I too am living in the house until its sold and the money thing is getting very complicated. But we have separated all money and have been contributing to bills separately. So that helps.

Good luck to you, things will get better. They have to.

Momma.