Why can't he let go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Why can't he let go?
7
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 12:02pm

Yesterday when I dropped the kids off to STBX he was so angry. I asked him if we could talk because DS had gotten in trouble in school and I'm trying to include him in everything to do with the kids lives. He very nastily said "NO, I have nothing to say to you" I was shocked at the anger in his voice. Just a couple of days ago, we had talked without any problems. I asked him what was going on and he said, "you know what you're doing". Which can only lead to...he's still having me followed. I went dancing with some of the girls from chorus on Saturday night while he had the children. I don't think that it's wrong for me to have a little fun every now and then, especially if the kids are taken care of. Why should I sit home by myself? I did dance with a very nice (and very handsome) man. STBX has been out of the house since January 20th. No, the divorce isn't final yet, but should I continue to sit home by myself because he isn't wanting to sign the papers? I want to move on with my life. I didn't take the guy home with me or anything...I didn't even kiss him although I wanted to!!! LOL Back to STBX...I asked him why he kept having me followed if he knew that all it was going to do is cause him hurt and pain. Why does he do that to himself? He knows it's over as far as I'm concerned. He knows that he didn't give me what I needed in the marriage. He knows that I'm not coming back to him no matter what he does. He knows that I'm DONE! Then he went on to tell me that I didn't know my friends in GA (where my sister lives) as well as I thought I did and that he had investigated them and that I was putting my kids lives and my life in danger by the people that I've chosen for my friends. Granted, I've only known my friends in GA about 6 or 7 months, but they are friends of my sisters also and she's known most of them for a few years. These friends have been wonderful to me. They've comforted me and shown me more caring than I ever felt from STBX. They've supported me, they've held me for hours why I cried my heart out. They've listened to me. They've been there for me at 2 a.m. when I was crying so hard from having to deal with STBX that I couldn't even talk...just cried into the phone while they talked to me and calmed me down. STBX has never met these people. I know he is just trying to intimidate me and keep me from having friends just as he did through our marriage. Why won't he just let me go? He knows I don't love him. I just want him to leave me alone. I want to be able to have my privacy. I'm tired of every word I say being turned around into something else. I want to scream JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! How is following me and listening in on my phone conversations (I know my house has to be bugged by things he knows that he could only find out that way) going to help him? It's over no matter what. I've agreed to give him "Equal time" with the kids and had it put in the paperwork. I'm ready to go on with my life. Is this so wrong?

I know this got a little long. I just needed to vent. I'm so tired of all of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 12:28pm

Hugs to you.....


The good news is this will stop eventually.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 6:56pm
Well....I'm not going to let him dictate what I do any longer. I know the divorce isn't final yet...but it could drag on forever the way he's acting. He's been gone since January and he's now living in his own apartment. I met someone Saturday night that I thought was really nice....I gave him my phone number, and he called me. I have a date tomorrow night. I'm really nervous. I haven't been on a real date in 13 years. Should I hold off until the divorce is final? I'm so worried that I'm doing the wrong thing, but I really want some adult company and someone to talk to about normal everyday things. I don't have hardly any friends because STBX made sure that I never got close to anyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 7:07pm

I agree with taking control of your own mind, being confident, et cetera, but there's one thing that bugs me: having you followed. Was it you who had the PI on your tail? If so that has to count as third-party stalking after a while. As usual I'm going to recommend a call to a domestic abuse center and a conversation with a legal advocate. There have to be limits on that sort of behaviour.

Best of luck and stay strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 7:16pm
Yes, I'm the one with PI's on my tail. He wants to know everywhere I go and everything I do. He's even investigating my friends that he doesn't know. I talked to my lawyer and she said there's nothing I can do. They aren't breaking any laws.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 10:04am

Well, just make sure that everything that YOU do at this point will just validate to them that they are wasting their time and money to have you followed.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 10:07pm
I don't mean to push, hon, but does your lawyer have experience with abuse/stalking? If not perhaps you should consult with one who does. There have to be limits on this. It must surely be against the law to have a person followed indefinitely. Otherwise people would do it in order to harass and distress others (like he's doing to you) far more often. After a certain point he has no right to know what you're doing. Your choice of course, but I'd really suggest talking to someone who speciallizes in DV/stalking. I wish you the very best of success and may this be over soon. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 2:31am

this is all probably a continuation of the patterns that went on during the marriage -your husband is saying "jump" and you are asking "how hi?". you see - he is trying to control you - and YOU are trying to justify your actions to him. no - this is not the issue at all. YOU need to take BACK control over YOUR life. DON'T ever get into ANY discussions with him about "your" life (I am not talking about your KIDS - i am talking about YOU). just DON'T. the second you start to *discuss* anything with him - even if you are just trying to prove that he is wrong - WHAM! - you are opening yourself up to endless debates, discussions, admonishments, etc - the ONLY way that this annoying cycle will end is if and when YOU put an end to it.


anything that has to do with your kids and school - let the school handle it. or send him things in writing - nothing "personal" just "information". DO NOT get into discussions - you will lose every time.


I can tell you that my ex is the same type - and thank God we never had children together - but even so... He and i are involved in a long, drawn out legal case (that he and I are one side in this case against another person, has nothing to do with the marriage, some legal guardianship issue). anyway,