Why can't I feel pretty?
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| Wed, 11-02-2005 - 2:04pm |
I've been lurking for a while, but needed to post because I've been feeling down for the last week. I just read the last thread on "Socializing" and it really hit home. I have been separated for the past two years and went through emotional, psychological and verbal abuse with my STBX. In the beginning it started out with him complimenting me, then he started suggesting clothing and hairstyles, and then he finally started making snide comments about me in front of his family. The day that I caught him cheating I told him that I was coming to his job. The first thing out of his mouth was "How are you wearing your hair? Can you change it?". I must admit that I stopped putting extra effort in my appearance when the marriage went bad, but I wasn't unattractive. I just started to feel that way around him.
Over the past year I started to take care of myself again. I lost 10 pounds and bought new, flattering clothes (I love that show "What Not To Wear"!) I'm even waiting right now for my co-worker to drop off some Mary Kay products. For some reason, however, I'm suddenly questioning my appearance. I get compliments from men and other women, and my friends are always encouraging. I've even been dating someone who constantly compliments me. It's just that my STBX used to put a lot of emphasis on how I looked, and I can't help feeling sometimes like I wasn't attractive enough to keep my marriage. I sometimes find that I'm comparing myself to other women and wondering whether they look better than me, being that I'm not sure what men find attractive. I guess this is the backlash of the emotional and psychological abuse that I went through, but I don't want to live like this.
Have any of you felt this way? What do you do to feel better about yourself? I want to finally get out from under the aftermath of my STBX's abuse and start feeling good about myself.

Hi indigo,
Parts of your post could've been something I wrote myself. I left my emotionally/verbally husband two years ago too. I've been through a lot since then and have changed a lot. I did a lot of on-line research and also took a class from a personal coach, both of which have helped me a lot.
Not feeling attractive enough to keep your marriage is DEFINITELY part of the backlash of the emotional and psychological abuse you went through. You have to keep in mind that the abuse was all about him and not you. He did not abuse you because of you. He abused you because of the type of person HE was. It helps to acknowledge and accept that at the time of your marriage you did your best. Forgiving yourself for what happened in the past will help you move on. Now that you know better, you are doing better.
And for me, beauty is more about inner qualities than physical appearance. So the more I started to feel better about myself the more beautiful I'd feel. I don't think I'm totally there yet, but I'm on my way. It's all about personality, attitude, strength, and feeling self-confident. Having a sense of humor and sense of compassion helps. It's about discovering yourself and your unique talents.
One of the things that I learned from the personal coach is to set my day in the morning with an affirmation. It may sound silly, but it works. And you can't just mumble it, you have to say it with an affirmative voice, like you really believe it. It varies based on what I have to do during the day, but being beautiful is usually one of the things that I say I am, because that's one of my issues. For example, I might say something like... I am a confident, beautiful, focused, loving mom.
And, I LOVE What Not to Wear!!! I've been losing weight too -- about 50 pounds so far and still have a ways to go. When I used to buy clothes, if something was a great deal, I'd buy it even if I didn't necessarily like the way it looked on me, but now I have to really like it, or I won't buy it. Luckily, I've always been somewhat of a hair and makeup junkie, so I didn't totally let myself go.
((((HUGS)))) Good luck with everything. I hoped I somehow was able to help.
My STBX has pretty much been emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive for all our marriage. I almost left him 12 years ago, but found out I was pregnant. So....Now my son is 11 years old, sees how his dad is, and I actually am getting some of my self-confidence back.
My STBX has told me for years that I was fat, repulsive, lousy in bed, you name it -- it's been said. My family has a religious objection to divorce, but when my husband showed his true colors in public awhile back, they told me I had to get out.
I have met several men who told me I was extremely attractive (I find this hard to believe - overweight and stretch marks - ugh). There is one man in particular that is absolutely adorable. He told me that truly it is what was on the inside that counts -- once you pass your 20's, men realize the important things. He told me that stretch marks are a beautiful part of a woman because it means she gave life. He lives an hour and a half away - we chat everyday online for at least an hour everyday. He told me that he is keeping himself busy so he won't be tempted to be with me. (doesn't want to be caught in the divorce - sigh) -- The DAY the divorce is final -- I will see this man.
We have to stick together - we are all beautiful flaws and all. Whether we see it in ourselves, others see it. These days when I'm down, I play "I Will Survive" from Gloria Gaynor (disco) - -It'll get you moving.
HUGS
Your husband didn't criticize because you were not beautiful!!
He did it because he has deep psychological problems. It's nothing to do with you.
Extremely well said!
Mel
Hugs, Brenda
HUGS!! I can totally relate, but for different reasons. My STBX never once complained about my appearance. However, he was never home. I always felt if I were more beautiful, he'd actually want to be home and spend time with me. If I were just thinner, more attractive, etc..THEN he'd want to be with me.
I have no idea how to even start feeling remotely attractive. I feel like no matter what I do, I just don't have that kind of beauty. I don't feel it on the inside, so it's not going to show on the outside. I think I drive my therapist nuts with this :)
I hope that one day, I can wake up in the morning and feel good about myself and the way I look. Hopefully, we both can.