Why can't' I get over him after his affair?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Why can't' I get over him after his affair?
2
Sun, 09-16-2012 - 11:19pm

My husband and I have been together for 4 years, married 2 1/2. We have had some relationship issues, its the second marriage for us both and there are step kids involved. I've been crazy about him from the beginning, he had some trouble settling down at first, there had been a few women that he flirted around with before we married and I was newly divorced. I always felt we moved a little too fast but I knew I loved him and could spend the rest of my life with only him forever. He was the same after the first year. He was head over heels! He would write and leave little love notes for me, text me poems for no reason, plan romantic getaways and much more. There was so much passion and we were both ALWAYS so satisfied. He knew I had trust issues d/t his past and he reminded me constantly that there was nothing about me that could ever leave him wanting anything from another woman. He told me things like this in a hundred different ways all the time. He was all about us and our marriage, our family, protecting ourselves from infidelity and maintaining a union. We were very devoted Christians and attended church regularly until about a year ago (he has been in church his whole life, me not so much). We are both 36 yr old. We started having a lot of problems last year, he was always accusing me of wanting to go back to my ex (anytime I showed guilt about my first divorce), he would start fights saying that I wasn't goanna be good to him, that I was gonna do him wrong., it got to the point I felt he was just picking everything we had apart, looking for every single negative aspect to blow up and I did get pushed away and we separated for about 2-3 months. We reconciled but during the split, he was involved with another woman. We eventually moved past it, I got over it and we decided to work things out. Since then it has been up and down. He would be attentive and loving then distant and cold. I found out in July that he was having an affair with a co-worker. Long story short, the up and down rollercoaster got more and more intense and he grew more and more distant sexually (was NEVER an issue).... I started digging and discovered the affair. I recorded him having convo with the mistress, taking about how he couldn't stand to look at me since he'd been with her, that he doesn't have a fetish for "old" ppl (the mistress is 28 yr old). I heard them talking about having sex and all in great detail and I confronted him immediately, reported them both to their employer, called her husband and told him, kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce. That all happened about 2 months ago. In the mean time, he has come back home, initially it was so that we could give the kids some stability and get finances under control because he did lose his job. I can't get over it! Why is it killing me to let go? Why is it so hard for me to accept what he did, the lies, the betrayal, the depth of his deceit? I hate his guts one minute the next I just want our marriage back and believe I'd do anything to repair it, even forgive him! Do I need to go back to church? Do I need to go out? Do I need to date? I am completely lost and broken and it just gets worse every day. Please tell me something=-(((

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 10:34am

(((jenniou12)))  IMHO, it is fear of the unknown that keeps you from "getting over him after his affairs".  You want what you believed he was and now your eyes are open to who he really is.  Is he still living in your home?  Without him taking the initiative to fix what is broken inside of himself and continually following through with it he will continue the same behavior--cheating.  From your post it sounds like he has done this for most of your relationship.  

If going to church will bring you peace than do it.  Fill your life with positive things--exercise, visit with friends and family, build your career, meditate/pray, spend quality time with your children, decorate your home how you want it,  grieve what you have lost and move on with your life. Keep busy.  I do not suggest you date until you are truly 'over' this relationship and know who YOU are again.  Visit an attorney so you know where you stand financially.  Take action to rebuild your life. Tell him to move out.

I think forgiveness is more about letting go and not holding the pain in your heart and mind and not about giving someone a pass for their bad choices or hurtful actions.  Forgiveness does not say the other person's actions are OK it just frees us from the attachment to it.

I wish you the best,

Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 1:48pm

I think therapy would help in this situation for you to have someone to talk to & decide what you should do.  If you were religious, I'd say go to church & talk to your clergy person as well, but if you're not that religious, I don't know how much it will help you--but worth a try.  I definitely think dating would not help--how could you even date when you're living w/ your DH & you don't know if you are going to divorce or not?  It really wouldnt' be fair to the guy & it would make you even more confused.  I think you need to decide what you are going to do before you muddy the waters even further by bringing someone else into the situation.

As for whether you should forgive him, I probably wouldn't--I don't read that he has said that he was sorry for the affair and it also wasn't the first one.  Add to that the arguments he was starting accusing you of things he was really doing and I don't see a good basis for the marriage.  I would try as much as possible to get your finances in order so that he could move out--I don't think it's at all good for you to be living together and as for the kids, if he's going to be out anyway, they will eventually have to get used to it.  It doesn't appear that you have kids together so he needs to find a way to move out with his kids.