why can't we be friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
why can't we be friends
1
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 1:29pm
My husband and I married directly out of college. We were a bit pressured into the idea by our parents. "It's just what you do." Like children with no mind of our own, we followed our parents instructions. After all, we were in love! and I married my best friend. Of course we loved each other and still do, but after the initial excitement wore off, all that was left were friends. I felt the need for romance and left my marraige for another. Sounds horrible, right? I don't even know if such horrible people are allowed to post messages on this page, but trust me... I hurt just like the rest of you. There are many more complicated details, but these are the painful necessities. He moved out and we have been living seperately for several years. We are just now beginning to talk about the painful reality of "divorce" and like never before... it has hit me. I am losing him. I hurt not only because i long for my old, familair life, but because it is my fault that I have lost it. I grieve for the wonderful times that I shared with my husband. I beat myself up daily for the pain that i have caused not only myself, but everyone else involved. My husband is a wonderful man and has graciously remained my friend throughout this entire process, but we can never go back to our old life. I miss that old life. I am full of grief. Because of the unique situation, I have had no luck in finding compassion or help. I ended our marraige and looking back, there was a problem and perhaps it would have come to an end anyway - but looking back, I also now see that he was very much in love with me. I was the one who was ignorant of how great i had it. I don't know how to deal with the fact that it is over and that this pain is all my fault. I dont' know how to live this new life. I don't know how to move on. Anyone...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 2:04pm

I strongly encourage you to get some counselling, if you haven't already done so. It will go a long way to help you figure out what you want and how to move on. Just because you made the decisions that led to your current situation - that doesn't mean you don't deserve support.

As the person on the other side of the situation you describe (of course mine is complicated because we have to have some relationship because we have children - you didn't mention if you do), I can only offer you my perspective.

My former husband (it isn't finalized yet) is experiencing much of the feelings you are as well. He feels that the choices he made, he wishes he hadn't and he doesn't understand why we can't be as close as we always were. We can't because the nature of our relationship has changed. While I care for him; that relationship is no longer the primary relationship - we are parents now not spouses, lovers and not even friends. We will forever have a trust issue between us. We can't be best friends anymore because I would never allow a friend to betray me the way he did and to count them as my best friend again. Perhaps that sounds harsh as he (and it sounds like you) with the benefit of hindsight would not have made the same choices. But those choices were made and everyone lives with the results.

Regardless of whether or not you choose this, the relationship as you knew it is over. You are mourning the loss of that, even these years later. Find support you need either from friends, family or a professional. You will find your way and you will find happiness again.