why couldn't he wait to date?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
why couldn't he wait to date?
58
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 5:16pm
My daughter just found out through her friend that her dad (my STBX) has been on "walks" with a new special friend. I asked him about it and he said he met her three weeks ago (as soon as he moved out apparently) and they've been on a few walks so he could have someone to talk to, as he's so lonely. He did admit to holding hands. Who knows what else has happened? During this time, he has continued to blame me for our problems, including the reason he moved out (I told him to move out since he wanted to get away from me and stop the fighting). He has acted like he was upset and wanted to work on the marriage. Gee, funny way of showing it. I had hoped/expected that he would have waited until the dissolution was final in June. Guess not. He's telling that woman things he'd never tell me. Holding her hand and giving her attention, when he wouldn't give it to me. I suppose he actually did me a favor. Now I can really see that he doesn't "want to work on the marriage" and I should quit secretly hoping. I guess I'm embarrassed, sad, and angry. Someone asked when you "know" it's over. Well, I guess I know. I just want to strangle him. And to do it in such a public way, and for our children to find out Daddy's moved on to someone else. It just hurts so much. Thanks for letting me vent, Jo

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 7:20pm

((((Jo))))


Most men do this. They can't stand to be alone, so they jump into a relationship rather quickly. So, prepare yourself. I wouldn't be surprised to see this get very serious, very quickly. Of course, it depends upon what kind of woman she is. If she is someone that would even consider dating a man that had JUST moved out of his family home, then more than likely she's one of those clingy, needy types, which these guys love b/c they want to feel like someone needs them. This is the exact same way that I came to be aware of the fact that there was no relationship for my STBX and me to work on. I was SIX-MONTHS-PREGNANT!!!!! Yeah!! He moves out, we start working on things, we make plans for him to move back in one weekend. That weekend my grandfather became very ill and I had to fly out of state to go and see him (he passed away about a week later). STBX came and stayed at *our* house with our two older sons (3 and almost 2 at the time). He stayed at the house the night before I left b/c I had to leave so early in the morning. He slept in our bed with me and we did end up *sleeping together* lol. The next day I call him from my Aunt's house to let him know what was going on and exactly when I'd be home. Just before we hung up I said, "I love you", just as I always had when we talked on the phone. He says, "Okay." HUH??!!! To make a long story short, a few days after I get back he calls me, FROM WORK, to tell me that he's NOT coming home. He says he wants a divorce. He tells me that he never loved me and was miserable the entire time we were together. Of course I'm falling apart (like I need this! I'm six months pregnant!!!). So, I ask him if there is someone else. Nope, no way, no one else. The next day I went out to lunch with a girl that is a friend of mine and worked with him. She tells met that all these cashiers are chattering about him (he's in retail managment and VERY popular with the girlie types). Then she tells me that he was at some party that a bunch of these same girls were at (he could be FIRED for that). I ask him, he tells me it never happened, there was no party. One week later,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 12:25am

Samantha,
Well, yes and no about your comment helping me. Yes, it helped because I understand and actually agree with what you are saying. I think you're right about men being lonely and looking for another woman right away. Someone who will be their "friend" and not expect anything of them. It's easy for a new woman because she will see him at his "best", not being a lazy slob who doesn't help or won't communicate. That's my husband. Wouldn't really talk to me or be with me. He just avoided me and blamed me. Now he has a "girlfriend" to do what I "wouldn't" do. Gee...who wants to be with a spouse who says "I'm miserable, I don't love you, and I want a divorce"? But you helped me see that many men are like this, wanting a companion right away.

Ok, it didn't "help" in that it felt like a punch in the gut. THe part about him getting seriously quickly and not to be surprised if that happens. He even asked yesterday if he should go ahead and get serious. Like he needed my permission? He wanted me to say ok, so he could then blame me again that he did it. He's like a little boy in that regard. He constantly says "YOU said to do this or that. You told me to move out." Yes, I said a lot, but it was usually in response to what he'd said.

Maybe this is what I need in order to feel that he doesn't really want to work on our marriage. This could be a blessing in disguise. He kept playing the back and forth game, moving towards divorce but always insinuating that he didn't really want it and thought we might get back together. I need to ask myself even if I would want to get back together. WHy? For more of the same? Even my 17 year old daughter tells me not to. Dad won't change and everyone is miserable with us fighting. I'm just so mad that he couldn't wait 6 more weeks. Yet, he sends me smiley e-mails, calls to say hi, asks the kids about me, and sits with our daughter and me at the ball games. Sunday during my son's game, I am going alone and I do NOT want him sitting by me. No pretending to be a "family". We aren't. He always went to games, but I was the one to do homework, clean their rooms, get their clothes, feed them, bathe them, etc. He just wanted the easy/fun stuff.

Anyway Samantha, I'm sorry for the way your husband treated you. YOu didn't deserve that! Especially when you were pregnant with his child. How difficult that must have been for you. I'm sitting here crying for both of us now. Sheesh...I'm a mess. I even took a Xanax and I"m still a mess. Night JO

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 2:34pm

>>He constantly says "YOU said to do this or that. You told me to move out."<<


The fact that he is asking YOU about his little skank and his "relationship" is a big ole red flag. This man is nothing but a COWARD!!!! He doesn't want to take responsibility for his own actions. He wants you to tell him to do things. I know this isn't the exact same thing, but, did you see Desperate Houswives lately?? Okay, Susan's husband (divorced for YEARS) was getting remarried. Well, he comes back around and tells Susan that if she tells him to, he'll call off his wedding and come back to her. She kept considering it until she asked someone else about it, someone that didn't know her or him. And he said the same thing, he is a coward and she deserved better than that.


Your STBX needs to grow the F up. He's desperate and lonely and is probably also attempting to make sure that you see he is about to become 'involved' with someone. Just like this chick my ex is with...I call her The Skank. Why??? Well, consider the fact that she is with a MARRIED MAN (seriously! Doesn't matter that he's separated, he's still married). She's obviously very selfish and not very secure about herself if she doesn't believe that she can do better than some desperate, lonely married guy who's wife booted his sorry a$$ out of the house. Why on earth did we marry these losers???


BTW: you've got a great gift in your daughter. She's RIGHT!!!! Thank goodness she's there to tell you that you are better off rather than having your 4yo beg you to ask daddy to come home. I'm so glad that you have her!!!


Try this: think of any of your good friends. If one of them came to you with this situation and asked your advice, what would you say to her? Beg him to come home??? OR would you tell her that she's better off-- b/c she is!!!!! So are you!! You deserve better than some coward who cannot even make his own decisions!!!! *hugs*

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 11:34pm

You know you're right. He is a coward who doesn't want to take the blame for his actions. He keeps saying that he didn't "really" want a divorce...although he initiated, said he didn't love me and was miserable, and he bought a house and moved into it. Get this, he e-mailed me and said "I kept trying. I let you know I didn't really want to go. I was going to do ___, but then you didn't act nice or go along with things that day. Yes, I was walking out the door, but I kept peeking back hoping you would stop me." What the heck was all that? He just keeps blaming me for not stopping him! Uh, I think I tried for a year!

I think it's probably easier if both parties wait to date until after the divorce. I know my children are confused. I was so angry, that I stupidly called and screamed at him, swearing and going on and on. THe little ones were with him and heard me going on, and my oldest walked in the house with her boyfriend and heard. I should NOT let myself get that way. It just hurts to think I was so easily and quickly replaced. The only "nice" thing in this is that my daughter's friends tell me that I'm so much prettier and nicer than her. LOL. Nice kids. It's tough. My self-esteem is in the pits. I am exhausted and not sleeping. I'm angry and then I'm sad.

You're right Samantha. If a friend came and told me this story as their own, I'd be telling my friend to move on. My stbx IS a coward. He blames me to justify his actions. I know I did some wrong or mean things, but sheesh...this is ridiculous.

I hope you're feeling better yourself. BTW, your hair is beautiful. My daughter has red hair and my son is strawberry blonde. My youngest DD takes after me and has dark blonde.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 6:37am
You know when they send you stupid emails like that. You say, I'm not your mother, you are a grown man, own up to the choices you made. You chose to leave. You chose to not try. Stop blaming everyone else for your choices and be a man and own up to the choices YOU made. I refuse to continue to take the blame for the choices you made. GOODBYE. Ooooh they hate it when you accuse them of not being a man. LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 10:04am
You're right Sally. It's just so hard. I had hoped that he would change and "want" to work on our marriage...and then follow through. He is like a little boy. Run away from the problems, point fingers, and then blame me. I know what I NEED to do. Now if I can just do it. I need to stop replying to negative e-mails. (He even says...I don't always mean those nasty things, I'm just venting...so don't reply...sheesh). I know I did some things in our marriage and I do take blame for them. He just keeps pointing, although at times he would own up and admit. Now it's his self-esteem, and he has to justify and blame me. I'm not perfect, but I think someone else out there will appreciate me. I just joined match.com and there are a few nice men who talk to me. Just talking. BUt I feel like I'm worthy of even a stranger's attention and conversation. Thanks Sally
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 10:08am

He sounds like my exhusband.

Unfortunately until they can take a look at themselves they will continue to blame others for their problems. If I were you I wouldn't even read his emails. Block his emails, you aren't obligated to read his emails. If he has scheduling situations in regards to the children he can call. I mean there is no reason you need to "chit chat" right?? He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and maybe the its time for him to take off the skirt. I'd block him, his emails will get returned undeliverable and he'll get the clear message you aren't listen to his drivel anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 10:29am

He writes to me through my work e-mail (I teach) and there's no way to block anyone. I wish I could block, just so I wouldn't see it. I know he sits at his desk and when he gets an idea, he sends it through...usually venting or blaming. My sis-in-law said he does this to get his immediate anger out, and he wouldn't do that if he had to wait for me to answer the phone and call him back. He got mad the other night when he wanted to return them an hour early and I didn't answer my phone (he didn't even leave a message...he just assumed I'd call back like I used to). Didn't matter that I didn't have my phone and was having dinner with our oldest daughter. It's just a vicious cycle of nasty e-mails. It's a merry-go-round with no destination. He finally said himself that we need to stop and that he has moved on. So maybe he'll stop. Part of me didn't want to hear him say he had moved on though. I guess I want him to suffer and feel bad. To miss me and wish he could change things, and be with his family again. *sigh*

I think I need to get to my counselor...soon!

p.s. How did you handle your ex and his blaming? I need to use kid gloves as he has ALL my old e-mails, things which I consider very private (feelings, things I had done, etc.). He could be vindictive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 11:33am
I just didn't allow him to have power or control over me. I went to counseling for a good year and what she told me is that the only thing you can do is control yourself, you have no control over anyone elses feelings or thoughts, and at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if he blames you or considers you the failure, you know in your heart you did what you could for this marriage, and if it makes him feel better to place the blame on you because he's too cowardly to take a look at himself and take some ownership in the destruction in his marriage as I'm sure you have taken ownership in your part for the end of the marriage than that is on him and you cannot control that you just have to accept that and move on. Once I learned to get over that feeling of wanting to "control" that, a feeling of peace overcame me and it really was much better for me. I stressed myself out way too much about it and once i realized people are going to think what they want no matter how much I bend over backwards to prove to them I tried, I did what I could and so no matter what you do you can't change THEIR thoughts, its just a peaceful feeling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 12:19pm

sniffle_sally...

Pianoguy wishes that every person on the planet could memorize the words from your last sentence:

"Once I realized people are going to think what they want no matter how much I bend over backwards to prove to them I tried,....you can't change THEIR thoughts..."

Impressions (right or wrong) are automatically formed in some people's heads from the very beginning. And as devoted as some of us might be to try and correct 'an incorrect impression'...it's constantly a challenge to convince someone that you're a good person when they automatically want to think the worst about you!!!

Pianoguy

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