why couldn't he wait to date?
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why couldn't he wait to date?
| Fri, 04-28-2006 - 5:16pm |
My daughter just found out through her friend that her dad (my STBX) has been on "walks" with a new special friend. I asked him about it and he said he met her three weeks ago (as soon as he moved out apparently) and they've been on a few walks so he could have someone to talk to, as he's so lonely. He did admit to holding hands. Who knows what else has happened? During this time, he has continued to blame me for our problems, including the reason he moved out (I told him to move out since he wanted to get away from me and stop the fighting). He has acted like he was upset and wanted to work on the marriage. Gee, funny way of showing it. I had hoped/expected that he would have waited until the dissolution was final in June. Guess not. He's telling that woman things he'd never tell me. Holding her hand and giving her attention, when he wouldn't give it to me. I suppose he actually did me a favor. Now I can really see that he doesn't "want to work on the marriage" and I should quit secretly hoping. I guess I'm embarrassed, sad, and angry. Someone asked when you "know" it's over. Well, I guess I know. I just want to strangle him. And to do it in such a public way, and for our children to find out Daddy's moved on to someone else. It just hurts so much. Thanks for letting me vent, Jo

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abbynwb...
Pianoguy read your earlier responses and would just like to offer a comment...if that's okay?
While most men often have a preference for 'the younger woman'---many of us don't have a major problem when it comes to dating a "seasoned" female.
What probably scares a lot of us (including myself) is if whether the 'kindly Dr. Jekyll type of woman' we've met at the beginning of the relationship...will suddenly become MRS. HYDE when we least expect her to? .
Anyway...many males will often forget about the actual age of a woman when she makes an effort to 'pretty herself up?' I'm not only talking about the cosmetic side of her personality...but to present an honest personality and demeanor that would make ANY MAN who is looking...COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO BE AROUND HER!
Pianoguy
I totally agree that most men start dating right away because they can't bear the thought of being alone. But you know what I want to know? Who are the idiot women who jump into relationships with them? I'm sorry, but to me a big red flag would be the guy who says he's recently separated (not to mention the married ones) or even just recently divorced. I'd be running away screaming!
Dr. Phil once asked a woman "What is it that you know about yourself that makes you unable to be alone with yourself?" All these men have an answer and I'd be willing to bet that the answer is all tied up with the reason for the divorce!
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
I think it is also possible that a lot of people just don't take the time to figure out what's really going on inside themselves and don't take the time to figure out what went wrong with the marriage and how they contributed to the problems.
I bet a lot of people (women AND men) aren't necessarily *lying* - I think they are not able/willing to be honest with themselves and the new people they date. Add to that, most people are on their best behavior when they start dating someone new. The new person is likely has a very different view of the ex!! And if the ex tells a good story about how hurt they are, I bet many people are willing to jump into things and 'help heal the hurts'!
I also think that there *may* be women out there who really do want to believe they are going to find a good guy or are maybe really anxious to be in a relationship so they can get married and so they ignore 'red flags'. If that is the situation, then I think it's easier for them to buy the half-truths and lies that are told to them.
Hope that doesn't sound too harsh......just my 2 cents.
I totally agree. Its easy for women to fall for the sob stories of the evil ex wife too...I always know when I go out with a guy if he spends a lot of time complaining about his ex, I think, hmmmmm....you know? there are always 2 sides to every story and usually the truth somewhere in the middle.
I know a lot of men/women when they get into new relationships they stretch the truth, oh we are going through a divorce, but we've been seperated for over a year, or blah blah blah...they spin a few little fabrications and like you said the woman/man wants to believe it becuase they seem like a good person so they ignore the red flags.
Thanks!
I guess I've just not had a chance to meet any of the *right* guys. I tried online dating for awhile and noticed that ALL the guys that were younger than I was and got matched up to me closed the match right away. The guys that were interested in me were 10+ years older than me, their kids were all grown and so when they found out I had a young son, they'd close the match out!
Yeah - I can understand the fear of Mr. Hyde! My ex certainly fit into that category. I think I am afraid of choosing to be with someone that will turn out to be Mr. Hyde *again*!
I think I do have some issues I need to finish working on - could be why guys are not comfortable around me. I am a rape survivor - once I told my ex, he didn't want to make love to me anymore. I think most guys are probably like that - they wouldn't want to deal with it. So I think since I believe that, it probably influences my attitude and how I present myself to the world, etc. I also know I need to go slow with physical intimacy and it seems like most everyone else in the U.S. is hopping into bed within the first few dates!!! I never was the type of person to do that and I worry about it.
So - as a guy - do you think it's true most guys don't want to deal with a woman who has survived rape? I seem to only have a few triggers - but even then, my ex just didn't want to deal with it. He didn't want to touch me unless I could guarantee I'd have no more flashbacks. I felt like a broken person to him - like I wasn't worth much at all. But I also knew - without a doubt - that I didn't want to be in a marriage that had no love-making in it! Can you believe he actually told me he was willing to stay in a marriage that had no sex?? That he was unwilling to work with me on the flashbacks just blew my mind. His expectation was that I'd go 'fix' what was 'broken' in me and *then* come back.
I'd really like to believe that there are good guys out there who would be willing to take the time to get to know me and who'd be willing to go slow....but I think that particular breed is pretty rare.
I am going to keep working on myself and my issues - maybe someday I'll be ready to be in a relationship again - at that point, then maybe I'll meet someone.
Thanks for the input - I do appreciate your presence on this board!
Samantha,
You have me absolutely cracking up over this one. I also only refer to my STBX's gf as "The Skank", unless I'm talking to the children and then I use her name. He did the exact same thing in that he was kicked out of my house and moved in with her within a week. I don't look down at her for being with this particular married man since he and I are definitely over, but I do think she is sad and pathetic for getting involved with a man who is 12 years older AND has no job, has 2 kids to pretend to support and is still married to a pissed off woman.
She is foolish. And she is seriously skanky.
Jo,
I can completely relate to how you feel. My STBX told my children about his new gf within two weeks of us telling them we were divorcing. I was absolutely furious with him. Although it is painful, just try to think of it as a reminder of how weak he is in character and how right you are for divorcing his sorry behind (lookie there, i didn't even swear!)
Gee, I didn't mean to open a can of worms here (28 messages...wow!). Thanks to everyone. You guys (gals...lol) are great! This board is a life-saver, and so are you. I feel better getting on here and listening to everyone's stories and advice. And actually I see that I don't have it so "bad" in many respects. It's tough, but I see that it could be worse.
I think you're right...men can't stand to be alone. Although they may have had us, they ignored us, and I can't understand why they want someone else to talk to about OUR problems. If they had talked to US, would there have been such a problem?
My opinion is that men can't be alone, but in the long run, it has nothing to do with companionship and everything to do with being taken care of.
He doesn't miss her conversation. He doesn't miss the way she made him laugh. He does miss that his laundry is done and his meals are cooked and the bathroom is cleaned and he doesn't have to worry about having enough socks without holes. He may THINK that he misses the conversation, but that's the newness of the new relationship talking.
When my XH and I were in therapy, I told him I needed two things from him. Respect and conversation. He couldn't give me either one. If he had tried, would we be divorced? Who knows. But I'd rather sit alone in my house without another adult to talk to than share a bed with a man who rarely engaged me in conversation! I may be ALONE now, but I was LONELY then!!!
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
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