why couldn't he wait to date?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
why couldn't he wait to date?
58
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 5:16pm
My daughter just found out through her friend that her dad (my STBX) has been on "walks" with a new special friend. I asked him about it and he said he met her three weeks ago (as soon as he moved out apparently) and they've been on a few walks so he could have someone to talk to, as he's so lonely. He did admit to holding hands. Who knows what else has happened? During this time, he has continued to blame me for our problems, including the reason he moved out (I told him to move out since he wanted to get away from me and stop the fighting). He has acted like he was upset and wanted to work on the marriage. Gee, funny way of showing it. I had hoped/expected that he would have waited until the dissolution was final in June. Guess not. He's telling that woman things he'd never tell me. Holding her hand and giving her attention, when he wouldn't give it to me. I suppose he actually did me a favor. Now I can really see that he doesn't "want to work on the marriage" and I should quit secretly hoping. I guess I'm embarrassed, sad, and angry. Someone asked when you "know" it's over. Well, I guess I know. I just want to strangle him. And to do it in such a public way, and for our children to find out Daddy's moved on to someone else. It just hurts so much. Thanks for letting me vent, Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 9:27pm

Lilly, You are so right about the "alone" vs. "lonely" thing. I feel like I've been alone AND lonely for a long time. And now the court hearing notice came in the mail today.

My stbx never asked me to clean, vacuum, cook, etc. (he even called bawling on the day he signed the d papers..."I never asked you to do anything...:). But I think he now sees how much I did do around the house. That in addition to working full time. He did do his own laundry (although I sometimes dried them or whatever), but I basically did everything else! Since he's moved out, I don't really see that I'm doing more. THe house actually seems to stay a little cleaner! I can't mow the lawn, that's about the only thing not getting done by me. Hmmm...who needs who?

I told stbx that if he's talking to someone else, it will be "nice". She won't have expectations at first, the kids won't be there demanding attention, they'll both be on their best behavior, and the newness will be a new dimension. Gee, I wonder who will want ME? I'm the one with three children most of the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 8:17am
I'm just going to pipe up here. I understand that most of the women here aren't jumping into the dating world right away but I hate to see "men" in general being painted with such a wide brush because i have seen MANY women in general jump right back into the dating world who aren't even divorced yet so its not just men who do it, women do it as well and there are MANY women who hate to be alone, I know many women that just jump from relationship to relationship not even giving themselves time to figure out what went wrong in the first one before starting the next. Which is part of the problem. So I just hate to see men getting lumped into the all encompassing "bad guy" role here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 9:21am

I have a male friend who divorced last summer... and he's one of the unique few.


He's too busy spending time with his kids to think about dating!.... and while I respect that, sometimes I wish he'd take a minute or two for himself ;-)


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 10:08am

Sally, I don't have an issue with my husband finding someone else so quickly after leaving. We had been over for a while and I understand he has "needs". What pisses me off is that to our children, mom and dad had only been broken up for two weeks. They were still dealing with the initial blow when he went and moved in with her and told them he had someone new.

THAT is what makes me angry. Yes, I have some issues with him getting serious so quickly, but it's mainly rooted in the fact that our children had absolutely no time at all to deal with the divorce before they found that dad was f**king a 23 year old skank, AND now they get to spend weekends with them both. They have never had a single day alone with dad since he left.

And to clarify, I don't think dating is really an issue once the divorce is in motion. I don't care about waiting for the ink to dry and things to be legally final. What I do care about is that he doesn't have the self control to keep his love/sex life discreet from his children. Two weeks seems a little short to me and I still want to punch him the face for that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 10:16am
I am not sure I singled you out specifically gwen when I made my statement, I am just clarifying that its not just MEN that date during divorces, women jump into the dating game too quickly as well and I hate to see men get painted with the broad stroke of jumping in so quickly because they are lonely and women aren't doing it because women do it just as much. If you aren't thats great and I think its good that you aren't but there are PLENTY of women who do it and put their children in just as bad of situations as your children are in right now seeing their father dating see their mothers dating. I just hate seeing women bashing men all the time as if men are the only ones out there that do it because there are plenty of women that do the same thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 10:24am
Sally, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that you had singled me out, because you didn't. I was just responding to your post in general and stating that I don't think it's terrible for either party to date once the divorce is in motion, and that what makes me angry is how the children are brought into it. I also have issue with the fact he brought her into MY house while I worked and his unemployed self stayed home to watch my daughter. And I'm sorry, I do also think it's pathetic when a person is so weak they can't live alone for any amount of time. That they must have someone right there to take care of them. Although this could be man or woman.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 10:47am
You and I totally agree!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 11:13am

Well, I am glad you two are on the same page.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 2:29pm

*L* I agree with you. My best friend is a divorced Dad and he's the one who's the great parent in the relationship and he's the one who didn't start dating right away. His XW, however, was dating before they separated and isn't worth a thing when it comes to parenting. I'm usually the first one to stick up for divorced Dads, but I dropped the ball on this one.

But IN GENERAL, men can't be alone and start dating sooner.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 2:29pm

Hello again, abbynwb...

Pianoguy would like to thank you very much for your very nice compliment (in your earlier post). After 5 years of ivillaging, PG's past comments have gotten everything from 'a thumbs up'---to that select group of angry ivillagers who are holding lighted torches and seeking out my castle in order to burn it down!!!

My 2 cents:

If ANY WOMAN (spouse or serious g/f) said to me: "I don't want us to make love any longer"---my first reaction would be ANGER. And then after about an hour, my second thought would be: "WHERE HAVE I FAILED HER?" Not only has she cut off her physical desire for ME, but she's expecting me to react exactly the same way towards her?

And for anybody who has read the "Mars & Venus In The Bedroom" book...it's perfectly clear that men and women don't think alike when it comes to sex!

So for most of us who need and want affection (combined with a little bit of SEX), the comment about NO MORE---NEVER...has pretty much 'slammed the door'---when it comes to the partner we've chosen!

Believe it or not...many males can 'sense' when a woman ISN'T comfortable in the bedroom!
She might be willing to go through the motions and let us have our way with her, but when her heart (or passion) is missing...we're satisfying ourselves while knowing that she'd rather be somewhere else! .

While it's not my place to tell YOU to "get over the sexual horror memories from your past and move forward"---you might want to seriously consider counselling or therapy? I also think you need to consider the fact that there ARE men who are very sensitive and compassionate to the situation(s) you've experienced. Unfortunately, some women use this as "an excuse" to avoid THE ACT entirely!

So a man has suddenly been given the choice of 'cheating on his spouse' or accepting the terms the way his wife, g/f or s.o. has set them down! Not a great future, is it?

Only a guess on this side, but it's entirely possible that YOUR EX had heard your excuses about SEX a few too many times? So he no longer had the patience to help you deal with your problem? The easier comment: FIX IT was supposed to make everything all better!

Personally, I think this is a lousy way to address either sex when there's a problem in the bedroom. Some men have erectile dysfunction or take forever to ejaculate...and there are actually some women who say "FIX IT"---instead of being more compassionate.

I sincerely hope you can 'cleanse your head' from the horrors of the past...and connect with a man who can be patient, sensitive and understanding? While it might seem impossible to do this at the present time, there ARE men out there who possess patience, compassion and understanding...along with the desire to REALLY LOVE YOU.

Pianoguy