why couldn't he wait to date?
Find a Conversation
why couldn't he wait to date?
| Fri, 04-28-2006 - 5:16pm |
My daughter just found out through her friend that her dad (my STBX) has been on "walks" with a new special friend. I asked him about it and he said he met her three weeks ago (as soon as he moved out apparently) and they've been on a few walks so he could have someone to talk to, as he's so lonely. He did admit to holding hands. Who knows what else has happened? During this time, he has continued to blame me for our problems, including the reason he moved out (I told him to move out since he wanted to get away from me and stop the fighting). He has acted like he was upset and wanted to work on the marriage. Gee, funny way of showing it. I had hoped/expected that he would have waited until the dissolution was final in June. Guess not. He's telling that woman things he'd never tell me. Holding her hand and giving her attention, when he wouldn't give it to me. I suppose he actually did me a favor. Now I can really see that he doesn't "want to work on the marriage" and I should quit secretly hoping. I guess I'm embarrassed, sad, and angry. Someone asked when you "know" it's over. Well, I guess I know. I just want to strangle him. And to do it in such a public way, and for our children to find out Daddy's moved on to someone else. It just hurts so much. Thanks for letting me vent, Jo

Pages
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
Thanks again! (possible triggers for any survivors of sexual abuse.....)
I do appreciate your taking the time to write back. I think you are right about it being a lousy way to deal with things to just ask an SO to 'fix it'. It works so much better if both work together on it!
I am thinking I may not have been all that clear in my previous post - I DID want to work on things! I DID so much want to be able to make love with my ex again. HE didn't want to make love to ME! He didn't initiate sex the last 3 1/2 years of the marriage - I was the one initiating it - and it was not a very good experience due to his porn addiction.
Anyway, I asked for things from him that he couldn't deal with - that's OK, I can understand that - it was just so very sad to me that he couldn't. I know now that anyone who cares about another person can be very affected and distraught upon hearing that someone they love has been abused in such a bad way.
There were only a few things that I needed to avoid and that I asked for and he said he didn't think he could handle that. How hard would it have been to not do a few things when I was willing to do other things! However, he couldn't deal with it and I felt so very guilty for even asking for his help. Being honest with him radically changed how he saw me. I truly believe now that most guys are going to view things the same way - and I really do worry about whether I'd hurt some poor guy that dates me for awhile and then I tell him about my history. I just can't see hurting anyone like that again after seeing how much it hurt my ex - could be why I don't get past the first few dates??? : )
Yes - I think things could have been handled differently. The rape I survived occurred before I started dating my ex. I didn't label it as rape at the time - it was an ex-bf that perpetrated that particular piece of nonsense. I did call it 'a bad sexual experience' for a long time - and my psychologist and I refer to it now as 'an involuntary sexual experience'.
When I first met my ex, I trusted him. He was actually a 'technical virgin' and I actually had a much higher libido and had much more experience. I didn't have much trouble with sex (I am a fairly passionate person) - just an occasional flashback over the course of several years that I could recover from fairly quickly. I didn't understand at the time what flashbacks even were - but I was dealing with them in one of the ways that is recommended.
The marriage hit a lot of bumps - he was unable to be emotionally intimate, would tell me to 'shut up' when I tried to talk about what I was feeling or what I wanted, was controlling, manipulative and verbally/emotionally abusive. He certainly wasn't like that before we married - if I'd realized it, I wouldn't have married him, and the abuse was so covert and insidious at times, that I didn't realize what was going on and how bad things had gotten until I'd been married about four or five years. By that time, our sex life had deteriorated and he was on the internet surfing for porn rather than spending time with me or our son.
I didn't face my rape (or some incidences of child sexual abuse) until I discovered that my ex had apparently been trying to look at child porn. I have been in therapy (group and individual) for about three and a half years. I believe that in many ways, I have just about completely worked through the rape. I have forgiven the ex-bf (not to his face yet, when I tried to talk to him, he very studiously ignored me).
Sometimes I get mad because I was willing to work with the ex on his problems and support him - if he was truly an addict, but he didn't want to face any problems, not his, not mine, not ours. I tried like crazy to make things work - but when the other person doesn't want to work on it - you end up having to decide to live in h*ll or leave.
Well - sorry to ramble. I guess I just don't know how to handle discussing my past with any future potential partners. But darn it, I REALLY DO miss sex!!!
Maybe I'll get this all figured out someday - I know I am going to keep working on it!!!
Thanks again PG - I do appreciate your input!
Thanks for the shimmer of hope.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
*LMAO* Oh, Karen, I was half kidding! Perhaps one day soon you and he will have one of those "AHA!" moments. He and I have been friends so long, all our friends assumed we were dating, but most of them were too polite to mention it. Then some bold friends started asking why we weren't dating and the answer was always "We're too good of friends to chance ruining the friendship." Then one day, he just asked me if there was a chance that we could actually become a couple and succeed at it. It took a long time of negotiations (almost Seinfeld-esque) to get up the guts to do actually D*A*T*E. But we're still not telling alot of people.
Glad it happened..... it's turning out to be the very best relationship I've ever had in my life!
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
Thanks, Di, for holding back. My mouth tends to get me in trouble at times, as I can come across much more hostile than I meant. (But I did mean I still would like to punch the ex in the face for reasons stated)
Glad I could give you a chuckle this morning! ^_^
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
My ex had his girlfriend before he moved out.
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit
I agree...that is so true....when my ex and I separated he was suddenly with his new "friend from work" (right.--as if they hadn't been together all along..LOL)...she was a little wisp of a thing and because I was power eating due to misery over hime, I felt huge and unlovable...he told me no one would ever want me...
After all these years we've switched places...she's twice my size...and I'm a normal size.
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit
It was cruel of him to have made you feel he wanted to work on the marriage, if his heart wasn't really in it. Sometimes people in a divorce try to be non-confrontational, and our emotions flip-flop, and we're rather unstable for a while -- and we hurt our spouse/ex and others in the process. It can get messy and ugly.
I debated divorcing my husband for a year before we finally separated. We were both miserable, to be honest. Once I said I wanted a divorce, I immediately was ready to negotiate a settlement, which we agreed to quickly. He moved out, and a month later, I moved out of the house for good.
The first weekend I was in my new house, I started dating. In my situation, I felt ready. I'd already emotionally divorced from my husband over the previous year, while I mulled over our situation.
It sounds like your STBX wasn't through going through the emotional part of the divorce when you separated, and he set you both up for failure. I'm very sorry.
Pages