Why do I care?
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| Sat, 01-14-2006 - 11:05am |
Stbx stayed with the girls at my/our house the other day while I went to my therapist. Did dishes and helped 5yo make her bed while I was gone. When he left to go back to the seedy motel he's staying in I sent him with a couple of bags filled with food, towels, soap, etc. Gave him phone number for an apartment I stumbled across. I figure he needs a decent place to stay so the girls can come visit him, right? And he's got to eat, right? Besides, it's non-perishable stuff he crammed our pantry full of b/c he's paranoid that there's going to be some sort of terrorism incident that could result in mass starvation.
So why do I really care what happens to him? Does this mean I maybe shouldn't go through w/the divorce?
Did I really try hard enough to be a good wife? Did I nag too much, should I have just kept quiet and tried to do all the work by myself? I got mad at him at least once a day, every day, and yelled and sometimes screamed, slammed doors, played the martyr, thought about killing myself just to get out of the unhappiness, berated myself for not being a good mother, cried b/c my dds were growing up with a miserable Mommy. . . . But was it mostly my own fault? Would I have become this awful b*%#h with whoever I married? Or are stbx and I just like oil and water?
Julie

Julie!
I am so glad your dear daughters have you! What love you must have for them, that you are showing caring for their father in this situation. You have a connection with him because there was a time when all was really GOOD with the two of you. That you still show compassion to him and want to help right now is wonderful. Of course, don't let him 'take advantage' of you; you have to be strong for yourself and your girls and chart your new course in life.
After all my stbx did and is doing, I still mean him no harm; and I would try to help if he ever needed it (albeit at arms length); especially, like you say, if that need included an overall effect on our children. Thats one of the reasons early on when I filed that I did not accept the dollar amount which the two lawyers calculated with the dissomaster used in our state. Of course, I had no idea then that he would over a years' time pay less than half of the child support order that was agreed upon :o(.
But I wanted cs to be an amount which would be a help to the kids and my basic living expenses and neccessities. I could see the amount they came up with would not leave the stbx with enough money to have a decent place to live or enough extra to provide for them and do things on 'his' parenting time. There is just nothing left of our relationship, but our sweet children are the blessings we received from what we did have together, and I believe that is a serious responsibility - and one which in a divorce has to be considered paramount. The kids' welfare is not only affected by the emotional upset with the divorce, but also the life they must live in the aftermath.
The second-guessing yourself game goes on for quite awhile I think. I don't know all the reasons why you are doing it, and I know counseling would give you some insights. For me I found out that part of that was the emotional and psychological negation he threw at me for years; but part of it was also a normal 'guilt' and sorrow for our relationship ending --- I had for the longest been desperate to do all I could to make our lives happy, and him happy with me. So now, even though I am in a place to freely accept the end, still, the thoughts of 'what if' come.
I am trying to learn to just "be in the moment" with those feelings, and then get up and go do the dishes, lol! I know that is somewhat sarcastic, but for me at least, the negative ditch I can allow myself to get in over broken wishes and dreams is awful. I have 'now'...I have whatever time I can with my sweet kiddo's. There is a future; it is foggy and misty and to be perfectly honest I don't really like that---wish it were a clear day and that we could see for miles! In the meantime, be even more kind to yourself about the choices you are making, at least as much as you are to your stbx about his circumstances.
Go Go Go Julie! Peace, Annah
Hey Julie.... You "care" because you are a genuinely good person at heart, and even though the marriage didn't work out, you're willing to help him out... and you're only giving him things that are rightfully his anyway.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Here's why I'm nice to my STBX...cause I'm used to looking after things so I don't have bigger problems later. Because I'm generally nice to most people. If a neighbor knocks on my door and wants to borrow a can of soup, I would NEVER say no, so my STBX is now just a neighbor.
I don't want him to suffer, so I'm helping him find a nice new place. If he doesn't he'll be miserable and make me miserable. I have time, he works.
I guess I could be spiteful, but IMHO what comes around, goes around, and I really don't want to have him on the defensive. I'm nice to him because then he is nicer to me.
And I have to be a role model for my children>I will not let them see me stoop to a lower level.
Your emotional responses to daily life might indicate that you had room for growth, but where was he? My stbx learned to push my buttons to make me made so as to avoid confrontation about other topics. Classic manipulative behavior! I only gained some peace in my marriage when I learnd to control those emotional responses and avoid being manipulated. By then, the damage was done, and it was clear that although I was capable of maturity, he wasn't.
Have I made a mistake in getting rid of him? Maybe. He cheated on me! More than once! I suppose if I saw HUGE leaps in his emotional growth and maturity I would consider dating him again. But they'd have to be pretty darn huge, and he'll have to wait until I test drive a few other models. Right now I'm in an ALL men are pigs mode, and assume that a guy I could care for doesn't really exist. If I do find one, STBX is going to have to measure up.
HTH,
Susie
To Annah, Karen and Susie,
Thank you so much for you kind words and affirmation!
Stbx and I talked yesterday afternoon about a number of things, including his "search" for a suitable place to live. I asked if he'd had any luck and he said, "No, I can't catch these people at home." I asked if he was calling or just dropping by, and he was just going to the houses/apts. for rent and hoping(?) somebody would be there. I reasoned with him about that, and he finally agreed he'd have to make some calls. Then he said he was thinking about just renting a room! How would he take the girls overnight that way? And how on earth would it even be practical for them to visit Daddy that way?
So. . . I finally voiced my concern that he might be misinterpreting the fact that I'm no longer expressing the bitternes/anger/even hatred, the way I had been for months. I told him it doesn't mean that there's a chance he might be coming back home and he should really be looking for a more permanent place to live. He said he knows that and that he really, really appreciates the way I have treated him lately.
Sometimes I still find myself asking whether I tried hard enough. But he definitely didn't try; I begged him for years to listen to me and change some of the behaviors that kept us in a state of conflict. I warned him over and over that I would leave him and he ignored me and kept on doing the things he was doing, determined that he was always right and nobody would ever change him. So NOW he's ready to change? I mean, what are the chances that things would be any different if he came back home, and how long would those changes actually last? Just until he got comfortable and confident that I wouldn't leave? And would I wind up in jail again? And what would it do to the kids if Daddy came back home and then had to leave again?
It just kills me that he treated me the way he did for years and now I'm the one being punished, I'm the one in anger management classes for the next six months.
Anyway, thanks everyone for your support. I am so glad to have this board to vent on! It's great to be able to vent to others who are venting also; I'm sure you know what it would be like if we went on this way to everyone!
Julie