Why do I feel so guilty?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Why do I feel so guilty?????
4
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 2:01pm
I have posted some messages in the past and gotten some good advice that helped me find the strength to separate and then tell my husband that I wanted a divorce. He is now on a relentless campaign to win me back and prove that he has/can change. Throughout the 4 1/2 years of our marriage, my husband was very controlling, narcissistic, jealous, and physically assaulted me on a few occasions. But now he is in anger management therapy and taking antidepressants for his bipolar disorder and swears that he is a new man and that I need to give him a chance to prove it. But it's been such an emotional rollercoaster that I just don't think I have it in me to try again. I just don't think someone can change in two month's time. And I don't know that I can ever "get over" the past physical assault because I feel that it really crossed the line. But now I am wracked with guilt for not giving him another chance when he's trying so hard to make things right. Why do I feel so guilty?????
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 2:52pm

I think it's just your heart making you feel guilty, but your head is probably saying don't do it, for self preservation. I thought of a strange analogy - say you went to a favorite beach and got bit by a shark (nothing life threatening, but still traumatizing) one time. You do not want to go back to that beach, but then the beach officials assure you that the sharks have been eliminated and new shark patrols have been set up. Still, would you feel completely ready to go back into the water? I think your husband saying one thing may not necessarily add up to his actions, and you are feeling fear about that deep down.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't feel so guilty. Just because someone says something, it doesn't necessarily mean that they have changed - actions speak louder than words. Maybe someone else has something better to say about how to proceed?




Edited 8/23/2006 3:13 pm ET by crafty1985
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 4:36pm

bonster, if your husband's severe need to control you and abuse you is due to a disorder in his personality, then this is not something that can be cured. I am talking generally, of course, and I do believe that sometimes miracles can occur... but people with personality disorders are who they are -- FOR LIFE. He will ALWAYS struggle with his fear and his need to control and his lack of respect for any other human besides himself.

Bi-polar depression is another thing he is HIGHLY likely to suffer from the rest of his life. When he and his doctors manage to find the right mix of medications to give him some relief, he will be a bit better for awhile. But the medications wear off, and the body changes. He will have relapses for the rest of forever, and each time this happens it may be a long while before he again agrees to work with the doctors and find a new mix of drugs.

He may be feeling better. But he will not be cured. Not ever. Am I wrong? Have his doctors told you otherwise?

The thing that I find hardest (when dealing with a family member who is having similar problems) is this: my family member stopped growing and maturing when the disorder hit her. So although her body is in her mid-forties, she is now only about 14 years old in her personality development. She is self-focused, short-sighted, impatient, rash, rude and disrespectful. Only if she has REALLY good luck with her meds AND decides to work very hard - then she may begin to grow into an adult. It's so hard to sit waiting!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 9:22pm

The thing is that it took you actually taking steps to end the marriage for him to seek help... and given that "track record" and reasoning motivating him to get help, you have no idea that he'll stick with it if you say, "OK"... or that he'll still be in the same mood... next week!... or next year!


I told my EX that, at the point we were at, I felt like we had to back ALL the way up if there was ever going to be a chance at having things work between us.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2006
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 10:04pm
Why?? Because tough love is tough to do and because loving yourself is hard when you're used to abuse. don't give in and keep up the good work!!!