Why do I feel this way!
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| Sun, 07-24-2005 - 11:05am |
My husband and I have been separated about three months now. We are getting a divorce... no ifs, ands, or buts. During our marriage he began drinking, sleeping around, neglecting me and the kids both emotionally and physically, and being abusive towards me. He wasn't always like this. He used to be so sweet, loving, and attentive. One day he just seemed to snap. It all started when his mother decided she didn't like me and wanted to take custody of our kids and get my husband to move home with her. She ran around telling anyone and everyone how I abused my children and etc. She even went as far as to say the kids weren't my husband's and that I was having an affair. I was a stay at home mom and we only had one car so I couldn't get anywhere to have an affair or meet someone to have an affair. Not to mention the kids were always with me. My husband started to not even letting me go grocery shopping without him or the kids. He never once stood up to his mommy dearest.
He had the kids yesterday and was talking about how our son liked this or that and I asked where they had been and he told me a friend's house. So I said Oh you are seeing someone... He goes yea. Then he preceeded to tell me she was some girl from a place we used to hang out as teenagers. So I said, "Its probably that girl you cheated on me with right after I miscarried." He got quiet. I turned and I got really upset. I mean I started crying. I was okay with him dating some other girl I thought he was dating but not this one. He cheated on me with her a little over three years go.... a day after I miscarried our first child. Then he told me he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore. So we worked things out then and went on about our lives. The following year, my husband's sister ran into her and she told the sister she wanted my husband's number or to give my husband her number so they could be "friends". The sister told her I was pregnant and I wouldn't much appreciate it. The girl got all mouthy with the sister and said that I need to let him have friends and that I'm a b@&*%.
Now I wonder if my husband was seeing her the whole time we were together since he cheated on me with her. I know I'm jealous. I guess its because I'm afraid she will get the man the kids and I should have had.

Nobody else will ever be mom to your children. Figure out which part of your jealous feelings are about him versus your children, and just focus on the children for a minute. My ex-h has a gf and I just met her. I already knew dd likes her and I expected her to be nice and she was. I was telling my therapist that I watched her interact with dd and I'm glad my ex-h picked a nice person who will be good to dd. He said my views are so healthy, and I responded well my ex-h and I have such an amicable relationship and he said no, it's not that at all, my feelings (being okay with her having this new gf potentially being in her life half the time) is all about my relationship with my daughter. This surprised me, but it made sense once he explained it. He said because I feel confident that I cannot be replaced, that I am secure in my role as mom and I know that my relationship with dd cannot be impacted in any way shape or form by the gf. I know my dd loves me and could never love a step-mom the same way. When you think about this woman being around your children, focus on the time you spend with your children and if there is something missing then fix it. If you are confident in your relationship with them, then keep reminding yourself of that fact, that they will not ever want you to be replaced and therefore *they* would never let it happen regardless of what your STBX or his gf does.
The jealousy of your husband is a separate thing. This is all very knew and it will take some time to accept he can move on. I think the past affair with this woman is like an old wound and him seeing her now is like picking the scab off. Now you are forced to deal with this old wound and because the pain is back. It was always there, burried under the scab but you were able to ignore it for a long time. This is actually good because you need to deal with this pain and let it go, to heal the wound. If you can get over the pain of what he did to you in the past, then the fact he seeing her now will not have such an affect on you becuase you will be free and in your heart you will let him go.
She's not going to get the man you should have had, he isn't that man. His mother didn't make him act that way, he willingly acted the way he did and *let* his mother rule his life and in turn he treated you terribly. No decent man would treat you that way no matter what his mother thought, felt or said. You have lost a very horrible and destructive man with a controlling nutcase mother, don't lose sight of that.
Take care of you! Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda