Why do I feel this way????

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Why do I feel this way????
12
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 12:10am
Well this weekend started off just great. My dd and I had plans to get an early start on Sat and go to my parents house. My brother and kids were going to be from out of town. Friday night my STBX and I got into a fight and of course he did not come home that night. Fine with me, first good night sleep I had all week. Sat morning comes along my dd and I get up make breakfast, clean up and he comes home. Spoils the good mood, but I know we are not going to see him all day, no problem. I get in the car to go, and guess what, my car is dead. I get my dad to pick us up and we plan on making the weekend out of it. We had a wonderful weekend playing with all of the kids, went to the zoo, etc. Just a great stress free weekend with all of the kids having fun. I come home tonight at about 8:00 and STBX is not home. I should be releaved, no fights then. But I am mad and sad that he did not call one time to see if dd was ok and did not miss her (or me I guess) enought to be home when we got here. I know that I will need to get used to coming home to an empty house, but for some reason I just miss having him here to tell him about what a great weekend we had. I feel like an idiot, since most of our current fights are about me wanting him out of the house. I just miss having a husband. I hate that I feel this way. I feel so hopeless...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2005
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 1:18am
I wish I had some wise words of advise for you so I will try. I have been through that and it gets easier. You don't want him there but you want him to check in with you, it makes you feel like he still cares. I spent the last few years in my marriage under those circumstances and when I first moved out, I could hardly sleep, and then after a month or so I let him back in my life and he stopped by everyday after work and usually ate dinner with us, watched television and then the same thing, same routine day after day until we got in a fight because I brought up something we needed to fix, our marriage! He would stay away for a day or two and then "bam" all over again. My only advise would be this; don't look back, when he is gone, he is gone and stay with your decision; stay strong. Don't make the same mistake I made and now I have to start all over with the hurt and him seeing someone else. Be glad you have family close by that you can and will need to rely on. I wish you luck...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 10:10am

It is hard, I miss being married too. I just don't miss being married to my ex. Marriage has so many benefits, always having someone there to talk to and go to bed with, someone to just share your life with, so it's hard to walk away from that even when it's right to leave.

I wouldn't assume he didn't miss you or your dd and that is the reason he wasn't home. It could just be that he knows being there is hard for both of you and he thinks you are better off without him, and that you didn't want him there. I think one of the barriers for divorce couples to have an amicable split is when they make negative assumptions about the other person, assuming they don't care instead of thinking they are hurt, assuming they are trying to hurt you when they are really just being defensive, assuming you are going to hurt them first. Coping with divorce isn't going to be easy for either of you. If you are thinking something and want to know if he missed dd, don't assume, just ask him when you see him next. You have to keep talking and communicating and think of this time as breaking down your relationship as a married couple and building a new co-parenting relationship.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 10:22am

It does get easier. I think having him there is making you miss him more when he goes, even just for the night. Once he is gone, you will move on.


I had this problem too even though my H was gone.... I packed all his things took down pictures and made him come and get them. I think that helped me emotionally move on. After that, although the house was empty, the closets were empty I still felt a little more at peace. I knew he wasn't coming back.


Later, I ended up moving. We rented, but getting out of that house helped a lot too. I know some people don't have that option, but moving helped me immensely.


Hang in there, is there any hope of him leaving anytime soon? Things will get better.


Hugs to you,


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 5:10pm
I think that I did everything but let emotion get in the way. If I was letting my emotion guide me, I would never have filed for divorce. I had to think of my daughters life and my life if I stayed with him. I can not make him want to get better. Only he can do that. I may have had a moment of sadness, but reason always comes first. A good man would think of his family first, not his need to gamble and drink away the milk money or mortgage payments. As for things getting fixed, I do not need to rely on him or anyone else. That is the first thing that I have learned going through this. I appreciate your response, and I understand that I was having a bad moment, but this marriage was over long ago.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 6:08pm
Some, such as you, are the reason why I quit posting here as much as I used to...your objectivity, is less than warranted!!!! You have no right to judge any one of us for any reason, as nothing you say makes sense. Actually, you sound like a man, because MOST, not all, men have no emotion whatsoever and can withstand pretty much anything that is dished out to them. I am nothing more than insulted by a couple of your posts, and will choose from here on out to ignore you and your negative attitude!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 9:53pm
Steinberg, this is a support board. We are here, women and men alike, because divorce has become reality for us. It isn't the reality we wanted, but we've decided to cope. Ask for support and we will give it. Give support and we will thank you. A condescending attitude, however, will undermine your credibility. Why don't you try posting an introduction with some of your story, so we know what brings you here?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2005
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 2:40pm

"Some, such as you, are the reason why I quit posting here as much as I used to...your objectivity, is less than warranted!!!! You have no right to judge any one of us for any reason, as nothing you say makes sense. Actually, you sound like a man, because MOST, not all, men have no emotion whatsoever and can withstand pretty much anything that is dished out to them. I am nothing more than insulted by a couple of your posts, and will choose from here on out to ignore you and your negative attitude!"

I am merely trying to give people real Dr. Phil-type advice. Sympathy is one thing, but when people hear the truth they are usually the better off for it. Bashing an ex or a STBX will only make you feel better in the short term. I want to give people the straight dope so that they can gain some insight into why their marriage has not worked. You want a pity party, but those kind of parties are for those who don't really want help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 1:48pm

"you want a pity party, but those kind of parties are for those who don't really want help..."

Is that right? I have sought help, through a professional and will not admit, now or ever, that I caused the abuse that my STBX inflicted on me...I don't deserve to be punched, slapped, financially "kept", or verbally put down by anyone, not even my STBX. Marriage does not give your spouse the legal right to control or disrespect you as an individual.

You have talked about how women try to change their h's, but has it ever occured to you that men do the exact same thing? It takes two to make a marriage and it only takes one to destroy one. Not to say that women aren't abusive, but it is much more rare, than a man abusing his wife.

BTW, I wasn't aware that Dr. Phil had hired an asst. to act on his behalf...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 2:18pm

Post deleted because I really need coffee right now and I'm not coherent.

Edited 4/17/2005 2:20 pm ET ET by gonnabefine




Edited 4/17/2005 2:21 pm ET ET by gonnabefine
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 10:26am

>>>I've also learned that demonizing a spouse and men in general is almost always counter-productive.<<<

I agree that people telling you to go away is just as counter to a 'support board' as they are saying your posts are. But your statement in the other thread about 'many women are motivated by money' sounded a lot like you were demonizing women, and I think that comment might have been made intentially to bring this on. You wanted to be attacked so you made a blatant negative generalization, so you could then turn around and say this board is against all men. It's not. There have been men here who are welcomed and accepted. Your other post was deleted in this thread, and I forget what it said, but it must have violated the TOS to be deleted. If you want to come in with the attitude that we all hate men, and you want to attack women as a group, and then you expect anyone to listen to what you are saying, well that's just not going to happen. I disagree with a lot of people here, and I seem to be able to get my point across without attacking anyone. There is a way to do that, and I have seen at least one post where you did that so I know it is possible for you.

>>>The amount of bitterness directed at me for writing one controversial post is proof positive that people on this board are only looking for vindication, not real help.<<<

This is just another generalization. If you don't like the board and the people on the board, that is your opinion and your right to have that opinion. If you want to help people here, then you need to not make generalizations yourself. Negative statements will bring negative statements. If you say something initially that you know will piss everyone off, then they aren't going to care what else you have to say. If you can stop doing that, the members of this board might hear you.

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