Why do I feel this way? Long post......
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| Mon, 06-27-2005 - 10:44am |
Hello,
I thought that I was doing so good, but the last couple of days I've just been missing my husband so much.I broke down and called him last night....seven times!! I know that I should never have done that, but I just wanted to hear his voice.He was pretty mean to me.He is mad because of the whole "money" situation.Here is what happened so far.As was stated in previous posts, I closed down all of our joint checking accounts (he was given notice of this)and the money that was in the accounts was sent in a check to the address on file (my parents in the states).
Ok, so here is what happened.When my husband moved out he took my credit card because he couldn't find his.I didn't have any access to any money even though my paycheck was going into that account as well.I tracked it online and saw that he was spending everything..on his gf no less.After encouragement from my co-workers I called up the bank and cancelled the credit card.Throughout this time my husband did withdraw $300 from the account and gave that to me (my check that was deposited before I swiched banks was $900).After I cancelled the card I wire transferred $300 to my account.Then, when I closed the account three was $300 left and I had that sent to me.So, basically I got my $900 back...right? Ok, so I closed the second joint account that had his entire paycheck in there (I know, I know) and had the funds sent to me.I recently found out that he continued to write checks for that account even though it had been closed...lots of checks.Because my name was on it and it was only fair, I was able to re-open the account and put his paycheck back in there.To me it looks as though we are even, right?
Well, he has realized that he wrote checks for far more money than he would have had in the account anyway.As these checks bounce he faces major disciplinary action because he is military.Now, he wants me to cover the rest of the checks.Why?!?! If I had never taken the money in the first place he would have been in the same situation, right? Why am I responsible for covering thre rest of the checks? He also wants me to pay his overdue car bill! I don't get it.He blames me for everything that is happening to him financially.He says that if I don't do this he will go to his command and tell them that I stole his money and withhold all my housing allowance that I get when I get back to the states.That doesn't really matter because I never stole anything and its illegal for him to withhold the housing allowance anyway so I know that he can't do that.He also states that he knows a way to get a 48hour divorce on the internet..that actually made me laugh really hard.
I just hate how petty this has gotten.Yes, I know that I was apart of that and I'm really trying to be fair now.How can two people who were in love just turn to hate? He tells me that the last five years have been terrible and marrying me was the worst mistake of his life.When I asked him why I was so terrible he said that I was never emotionally there for him.When asked for a specific example the only thing he could come up with was that I wasn't as supportive as I could have been when his grandfather died....four years ago.Four years ago I was an immature 19 year old.I've apologized for that a million times.I've always been there for him..no questions asked.When he lost his job before going into the military...I was there.When he got demoted in the military..I even went before his command and lied to them to get him out of trouble (bad move, I know...it didn't work anyway.)I've taken care of every need that I could have.I supported him through his deployment in Iraq! He claims that we fought constantly.We fought over him cheating....which all happened to be true.He has cheated on me four times with real women and spent countless hours on the internet having cyber sex with women.
He makes me feel so guilty.Why after everything was this girl so important to him.She left him too...doesn't he see this? It does't matter how many people tell me that this isn't my fault and I'm such a great person...its what he says that sticks in my mind.He has gotten all of his friends that I knew against me.His family doesn't talk to me.And after all that...I just want to be with him.Why? Now that I look back at it, it was never good.Over the years I've created this false sense of love and security that was never there.Is it that I want him...or do I just want to be loved by somebody? I'm also about to leave in two weeks.Leave this beautiful country and all my great co-workers and friends...I'm just sad.I wanted to keep traveling and the thought of going back home just tears me up.Around here couples are going away to France or Italy for the weekends..I want that.I want us to be in love again.This is why we came to Germany for three years.To have this life and travel and have fun.Now, its all been ruined.
Ok, thank you so much for reading this.
Brooke

Hugs to you, Brooke. It sounds as though you have been trying to be fair in fixing what you contributed to his financial problems. It isn't your fault he wrote cheques that far exceeded his pay. Is there any negative impact to your credit if you don't help him cover them and the overdue car loan, or will leaving things as they are only affect him?
It is sad the way people treat one another when relationships break down, but it's also very common. When people are hurting they don't always act as they normally would, and it's difficult for them to be objective. It does sound as though he is trying to shovel blame onto you to avoid taking responsibility for his own part in the marital breakdown. You can't make him take responsibility, but you can refuse to take blame for things that aren't your fault. It's also common to lose some of your joint friends in a split - it hurts, especially when you know they may think things about you that aren't true, but in times like this you discover who your true friends are, and in the months ahead you will likely make some new ones as well.
I know it's rough now, but hang in there - it does get better.
-sang
Hi Brooke,
I too am divorcing a military man who decided sleeping with anything and everything was the way to celebrate coming back from Iraq. I was there for him and very faithful. Even after all that I tried working things out with counseling etc. Soon after we PCSed I was on the back burner again. I am so sad because at one time we were so in love. We are getting an annulment (Ohio lets you do that.)I am going back home because I have no where else to go. My life has been compromised to be with him. I don't look forward to living off "mommy and daddy" while I find a job and an apartment. I know I will be happier there though. We are seperating on good terms. Well, as good as they can be. I am just not happy anymore. I can't love him like I did before he messed it all up. I really wish he would have never cheated. I am very sad and so is he but I can't live with someone that I care about but don't love the way I should. My soon to be XH isn't very good with money and is freaking out. Since it should only take 2 months for our divorce I decided that if he paid for my move and my plane ticket up here for court that he wouldn't have to pay bah. If you would just like to talk my e-mail is littlemoon_19@yahoo.com
Cheri
Hi Brooke,
I can so relate to missing someone so much that you call just to hear their voice. *sigh*
I hope tonight is better for you! Kim
Tape a note to your phone. "For pain, call Ex."
Take note of what else was going on in your world on the day you made these calls. Was something bothering/scaring you? Did a sight or a smell cause nostalgia? Hormonal cycle? Sometimes you can find the trigger or a logical explanation for the reason you felt driven to hear his voice. Always look for a cause/trigger. Then learn to take firm hold of yourself the next time the trigger occurs in your life. (Me, I have to picture a halo over my head when I'm on the freeway at hormone-time. Or else I'll do stupid, angry things or go too fast.) If you really understand YOU, then you can build a happier life for yourself.
Decide now who would be the best person to call, or the best thing to do, next time you get the urge to call Ex. Make the decision, write it down or just remember it. Then follow through. You do need to avoid listening to all his blaming. It's not true, it's not real, and it's not good for you.
Hey Brooke,
I went through a long, long stage of "I want to hear his voice." Even now, I get the urge, but I know better now than to indulge myself. However, here is a trick I did to stop myself. I went online and searched communities like this, and I also read any article I could get my hands on, but this worked best for me. I cut the following article out and taped it to the phone, the fridge, everywhere... I read it over, and over... I dug it out to share. Maybe it will help others. My source is:
http://www.aboutyourbreakup.com/call.html
QUESTION: "Lately I have been wanting to call my ex up and see how he is doing...and what not..tell him how I am and so on. TELL ME HOW WRONG THIS IS!
P.S- I wouldnt be calling him to get back with him or tell him how much I miss him....more like a HI, how are ya type of call. HELP NEED INPUT!"
ANSWER: ""Bad idea, and you know it.....
If you do, what do you hope to accomplish? To hear his voice? To really find out how he is doing? Or are you hoping that he wants to rekindle things?
Whatever your reasons, the end result will be pain, unless you are in the 1% minority that can deal well with contacting their ex.
And if you call and he snubs you, you will feel bad.
If you call and he tells you he is dating another, you will feel bad.
If you call, and he begs you to come back, in a pitiful state of neediness, will you?
I cannot see any positives to contact him. You are asking for the wounds to be re-opened. If you are a masochist, go ahead and call, but you have been warned.
Your choice, with all the ramifications of your actions squarely on your shoulders. In my opinion? Grieve silently regarding him. Miss him, and cry over him if you need to. But call him not. Give him back to himself. Focus on you. You are thinking of him because you are deflecting your thoughts away from you, your life, your interests, which is entirely natural.
Only my opinions. Do as you may. Good luck to you."
For added help below is a post by NR of the Circle of Hope to a woman who posted that she wanted to call her ex.
I WANT TO CALL MY EX!!!
"But I want to call her/him!!!!" (Wow, can we wail!) "But I want to hear her/his voice and try to reason with them and try to MAKE THEM SEE!"
Oh, geez, what am I going to do with you?!?! If you absolutely, positively MUST call your ex then here is an option....Make the call IN YOUR HEAD!!! Think about everything you will say to them and think about how they will answer (I'm sure you know them well enough to know how they will answer you)...
You ready? Start dialing .......rrriiiiinggggg......rriinnnggggg......You hear the phone being picked up on the other end of the line...their familiar, but cold voice says, "Hello?"
okay, now you say "Hi, it's me" and then continue on...what will you say to your ex? Place your statement here " _________".
Now how is your ex answering you?
Think about all the painful, hurtful things they will say...think about the validated rejection you will feel....think about it until your stomach starts to feel like it's made of lead...think how they will answer you, the cold tone to their voice, the apathy in their words. Okay, now that you have imagined this phone call actually taking place, and the answers your ex has given you, AND THE OUTCOME OF THE CALL, how does it make you feel? Probably pretty awful, stupid, lacking in dignity, and feeling clingy and insecure, right? DON'T MAKE THE CALL! Go for a walk instead, truly. Every time you want to call your ex, or contact your ex...GO FOR A WALK! It helps, trust me.
Does that help?