Why do I have to cry everytime we talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Why do I have to cry everytime we talk
6
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 2:25pm

Ok I just got off the phone with him for the 3rd time today and once again I have been crying. I do not want this divorce and he is so cold. He tells me all the time that it is not about the kids he just wants to be himself again. We have been married for 13 years and we were 22 when we got married. He says he wants to be able to do things he has never done before. Well that is fine dont we all but how do you do that when you have 3 kids (10, 7, and 3) and full custody. He is going to have his every other weekend visititaion but I still have them all the time. I am going nuts I am a basket case I cant help but say means things about him in front of the kids and my 3 year old told him today that we cant go home until he gets his stuff out of the house. We have been staying at my parents because it hurts to bad to see his stuff at the house.
I dont want to be so weepy and I dont want him to know how bad he is hurting me but I am a basket case. I have never been a weepy desperate person but I sure feel that way now. I guess I am finally realizing that this is the last time. ( we have been thru this 3 times before where he has left and come back). My parents keep telling me that no matter what happens you should never take him back but right now that is all I want to do.
I am waiting for his offer from the lawyer and I am probably going to go ahead and sign it and get it over with, the quicker I get him out of my house the quicker I can start to heal. I hope that it does not take long to heal because I really need to get on with my life. I have called and can go back to school in May, I only need 3 classes and I will be able to teach in the fall. I have never taught so that is a challenge as well but I will have to suck it up and do it.

Thanks so much for listening, you dont know how much your posts help me to feel better.

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 2:43pm
((hugs)). I know all too well how you feel. Up until a few weeks ago I would cry after almost any conversation with my STBX. I also wanted him back...he wanted his freedom. He has all the freedom in the world since he usually only takes the kids on Saturday nights and then returns them right away Sun morning. So much freedom he was able to go find a girlfriend and can spend all the time he wants with her. He can build a relationship better than ours was because he doesnt have financial issues and problems with the kids to contend with. Meanwhile, I get to date or go out with my friends ONLY on SATURDAYS. So much fun to have a saturday boyfriend. Seeing his stuff ruined me horribly, picturing him coming through the door etc. Now me and my kids are finally moving out. (hes been at his parents) But mainly because he is kicking us out. I never did anything wrong to the guy and he has screwed me over BIGTIME. He gets to get all the profit for our house which he is selling soon and i have nothing and have to work my ass off to support me and the kids. All of this...all of the taunting and even his gf contacting me...I still love him. But what i wouldnt do for Kharma to come around right now. It amazes me that they just get this notion like "hey, that was fine while it lasted, but Imd one with it now and want to act single again". The only thing I can hope for is that later on down the line we will be happy and they will realize the single life they want so bad to do so much, is what so mnay want out of to have what they gave up. good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 3:18pm
I don't know if this will help you or not but here is what I do as far as unequal parenting time. My STBX seldom sees the kids. His living arrangement does not allow for overnights so his time amounts to about 3 hours a week at my house. I also have not received child support.
When I am feeling overwhelmed and bitter and I think it is so unfair that the whole package got left in my lap I try to remind myself of this: it is a privelage to be the primary care giver in my children's life. I am the lucky one. I get to kiss the boo boos, wipe the tears, tuck them in, do homework, go to the sporting events, etc... Yes, sometimes it is completely overwhelming that I have to lock myself in my room to cry but I know that I will be the one to reap the rewards. No-not quite instant gratification but I know it will come. It is hard to remember this when they are fighting, sick, sassy, etc... but I try. Just my thoughts. Hope it helps.
M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 4:00pm

Hi,


I'm so sorry you're in such pain. Divorce is a terrible rejection. It's OK to cry. How can you not?


That said, the first thing you need to do is calm yourself long enough to think clearly - even for five minutes.


Do you have a lawyer? If not, get one. Don't do anything without their advice. Don't sign anything or agree to anything -verbally or in writing - no matter how much you want to. Because once you sign something, it's non-negotiable. In divorce, you can't go back later and say, 'OH, that wasn't enough or I didn't mean to agree with that arrangement." So, let a lawyer do the talking for you. Take their advice. Let them do what they are paid to do.


I know how desparate you are to escape the pain you feel. But remember, you don't want to short change yourself or your children. So, like I said, if you don't have a lawyer, go get one. Borrow the money to pay him if need be, but don't go without one.


This pain will pass. (Honestly, it will.) It will take time. How much time isn't something anyone can tell you.


And for now, don't talk to your husband unless it has something to do with the children. By the way, you can tell him to come and get his stuff so you can feel better about staying in your own home. Make an appointment with him, call the local police department and tell them you want an officer there while he loads his things. That way, he can't say he didn't get his things, you'll feel safer about him coming to the house, and you can get past this one painful thing. Then change the locks.


Please, also, find someone to talk to - a friend, a support group, a clergy person, a counselor, - so you can understand your feelings are "normal" in this situation and it won't last forever. Believe me, I've been there and remember how much it hurt. Today, I can't recall I felt so bad, but I didn't believe it then.


Take care and keep us posted.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 5:26pm

Can i kick him out when he is the one paying the bills. I am a SAHM and I can't pay the mortgage on my own. I keep telling him to get his stuff out but he hasnt so what do I do. The lawyer said that I should stay at my parents until I sign it. My credit is ruined so I can't borrow money to pay a lawyer unless I borrow it from my parents so what do I do. ( my parents are already talking about selling stuff and filing their taxes to help me out.) I dont know where to go from here.

I keep telling myself that I am not going to talk to him anymore but everytime the phone rings and it is him then i feel drawn to answer it. He isnt calling as much because he doesnt feel comfortable calling my parents house. So he only calls when the kids are at school and I am here alone. Oh well life goes on and everyday I get a little bit stronger.

Thanks so much for listening

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 5:37pm

Oh, Mary, it is so totally normal. This is such a brutal thing. And you are being brave. You got out and you are going back to work this Fall. You also have good family to help! You WILL survive. But going through it ... SO hard.

I am getting these daily emails from DivorceCare--really helpful. They acknowledy how awful it is, but they also have a path to help us climb out of the pain. It is helpful if you are religious (www.divorcecare.org, I think).

How quickly has this been moving, btw? I don't remember. Do you have a lawyer? Don't rush to sign anything until you have a lawyer look at it. You want to protect yourself and the kids.

Keep coming back. We are here!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 6:20pm

I did got to the lawyer yesterday but I can not afford 225 an hour. I am going to look over his proposal and see what I need to do then go from there. I am so scared that he is going to pull the money and then my house is going to be foreclosed on and my van repossessed. He has pulled the money but not cut off the bills. I am so sad.

thanks

Mary