Why do I have such a hard time with.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Why do I have such a hard time with.....
7
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 6:09pm

Hi ladies.I'm having a really hard time right now. My SO is going to CO in a couple of weeks with his son. His mother is sending them tickets to come out there for her birthday.She also shares this day with SO's son. This is not the problem though.

While he is out there he will be around his sister. I like his sister but she has this way of getting SO to do things for ex: smoking pot. I have confronted SO with my concerne and he told me not to worry he won't do any or anything else she might offer. He had his hay day of drug experimenting(before we got together) I've already let him know in the past that I will not put up with that kind of a life. Long before we made any commitments to our relationship.

He did however say that he was going to smoke 1 joint in his brother's honor.(his brother past away in 89' at age 28 and they were very close) He said if I have a problem with that he can't help me. Should I just let this go? I think I'm going to ask him if he promises to make this the last and final time it ever happens. I do trust him when he says that he will promise. That is something he refuses to say unless he knows he can follow through with it.

I really love him and don't want to ruin our relationship over something that could be petty.I just pray that he won't be tempted by his sister. He has already been snapping at me since all the arrangements have been put in motion.

I really do hope I'm over-reacting. All input is welcome.

Thanks,
K:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 6:54pm

I think you have a problem with it because you know it's wrong and even doing it once is a big deal. Did he give up pot for you, because you asked? Or had he already decided to stop before you met him? This makes a difference IMHO. Anyone who gives up something they want for someone else, can easily go back on their word because they are giving it up for the wrong reasons. Giving up drugs for you is a nice gesture, but it doesn't mean he really believes giving it up is right or that he'll do give it up forever. I can think of lots better ways I'd chose to honor a dead family member.

I don't think the problem is his sister. If his sister can talk him into it, anyone can talk him into it. The problem is that he doesn't really think it's wrong to smoke pot occasionally. The fact he does it when his son is in his care (even if his son is out of sight) is particularly disturbing to me.

Here is my story, it sums up my opinion well. It's too much to retype, and it was written in the context of another thread so it makes more sense to just give you the link: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlshouldista&msg=11072.3

I have no tolerance for this kind of thing, but reading my story you can see why. Good for your SO for not making a promise he doesn't know he can keep, he's doing you a big favor by being honest. I think if you stay with him you are going to have accept that there will be times he might choose to smoke pot. Can you live with that?




Edited 6/26/2005 8:26 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 7:29am
K, my only advice is probably lame, but I'll give it a shot. :) I would let it go for now. Let him go on the trip without any more discussion about what he'll do there. Maybe he'll get there and nothing will happen. This way the decision will be his and hopefully he'll make the right one. When he gets home, you can reevaluate what it is you want do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 9:00am

I just want to tell you, if this is an issue NOW, its NOT going away. This is a grown MAN who is a FATHER, who is planning on smoking "one joint". Its illegal, its dangerous & he will have his child in his care. Sounds to me as if your SO is going to do what he wants, no matter what YOU want him to do or not to do. That is a sure sign of addictive bahvior & selfishness that will NOT change.


"I think I'm going to ask him if he promises to make this the last and final time it ever happens. I do trust him when he says that he will promise. That is something he refuses to say unless he knows he can follow through with it." - Dont count on YOUR asking him to make this the last & final time being what you can base it all on. Maybe you should spend some time on some of the addiction boards b4 you go too much farther in this relationship. He obviously cares more about what he wants, than your feelings about something so important to you. I am sorry if this post offends you, but i ahve seen so many people, including myself, ingnore these warning signs in the beginning, in hopes of changing the person ... & it NEVER works. Take care of YOU. He is responsible of taking care of himself. Good luck, R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 9:02am
& my other point is that NO ONE "has a way" of "making" another adult do something. HE makes the choice ... in fact, he is already PLANNING it. R~
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 9:02am

hmmmmmmmmm, this is a tough one.


Xh used to smoke once in awhile. I didn't like it at first, but he didn't do it around our son and he did it outside, away from me ( most of the time ) and the house.


I guess I dont see a problem with it if it doesn't affect his everyday life. Once in awhile is ok, but if the problem affects his everyday life then thats when it becomes addiction and should be a problem.


I know you don't like it. I didn't either, but do I have the right to change someone? I would say let him go and do what he thinks is right. Let him know your feelings and be as honest as you can be.


JMO.


Hugs,


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 11:50am
I just wanted to say, for anyone who read my earlier post, that my dad went many years without pot affecting his daily life in a negative way. Eventually that and other things did destroy my parents marriage, because my mom did not want that in her or our lives, and I thank her for putting herself and us first. But once he was divorced he was free to do whatever he wanted and STILL he went YEARS before it really became a problem for him. He was a CPA and made a good living for a long time being an active drug user and most people did not know. The reason I personally have no tolerance is that I have seen it go from not being a problem to being a life-ending problem. That is my personal experience though, and I do believe the OP has to do what she feels is right and acceptable for her, which means living with his choice or leaving him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 10:26pm

Thank you all for your input.I can tell you all this much,SO has not touched pot for 3 years. He never bought his own and would only have it if someone else had it and offered it to him.

He does have an addiction problem with beer and ciggerets. That is the extent of it. He never drinks on the job and usually waits until after 4 pm before he has his first.I had let him know that I could deal with his drinking and smokes but nothing beyond that.

There are times when he does drink to much and I usually just stay away from him. He doesn't get violent ,quite the opposite. He just talks alot. We just had a pretty big blow up tonight and I took him home until he can talk civil to me. It had to do with work. We are partners in many ways ,one being buisness. We have been laid off from the CO. we sub for for about 3 months. We just got the chance at a job strating Wed. and he is pushing really hard because he is leaving on the 15 to go to Colorado. I asked that he not leave so soon because we knew work would be coming up but he left all plans to his mother because she is funding the trip.

If he would haveleft when I sugested we would have had an extra 5 days to complete the job without extra help. He is mad because I haven't confirmed help from my brothers yet.There is more to this but I won't bore you with all the details. I will probably overlook the pot this time because he's not in that situation often. However I don't think I could if it were to happen again.

BTW when he had his last joint I told him he couldn't have both.He chose me but had even said back then if he had the chance to light one up for his brother he wouldn't refuse. So I sort of knew the day might come. Apparently his brother used to cross breed the plants and in SO's words made the best,that is why he wants to honor him that way. Also his son would not be anywhere around him when he did it. He has never smoked around his kids.

Thank you all again,this really is a catch 22 situation.I just hope it all ends well.

K:)