Why do people do this

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
Why do people do this
1
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 10:03pm

A friend recently told his wife that he was unhappy and wanted to move out. Obviously the conversation wasn't as simple as I just made it sound but you get the picture. Anyway, after a heated, sad, emotional, crazy, weekend of talking, she told him that if he moves out, he won't be allowed to see his children!!! She said it wound't be in their best interest to be around him if he is the kind of person who would leave them. I just don't understand why people use their kids as a weapon. He's a good father. The fact that he doesn't love his wife anymore doesn't change that. He's been unhappy for years for various reasons but stayed anyway. Now he realizes that that is no way to live. He adores his children and was shocked that she would make such a crazy statement. He knows that legally she can't keep him from them but he doesn't want to have to go through court in order to work out visitation. I guess if he moved out he wouldn't get to see them until a court ruled and he thinks that would be so traumatic for them. He understands that she is hurt and angry and he feels guilty for hurting her. She suggested that he stay living in the house but sleep in the basement and they just co-parent the kids. So basically stay married but not "be married." This is what she thinks would be best for the kids?

He's going to continue talking to her after a few days. He's hoping that after some of the anger subsides she'll realize that keeping the kids from their father is definately not in their best interest.

My sister did the same thing to my brother-in-law. When he asked for a divorce she told him that he couldn't see the kids anymore. Of course a court said otherwise but she made it so difficult because she was hurt and angry. The only ones that suffered were my niece and nephew who were kept away from their dad. And even after he was given visitation, she still made it as hard as she could. My parents tried talking to her to get her to see that she was hurting the kids. She's come around but this went on for a long time.

I just don't get it. I know that it's hard to do the right thing when you feel betrayed or hurt and your first reaction is to say anything to hurt back. You should try hard to keep your marriage together but sometimes it just doesn't work out and the best thing for everyone is to separate. You can still be good parents maybe even better once the tension of the unhappy marriage is no longer a factor. Children don't need to live in a home with two miserable parents. Children pick up on those things. They see the unhappiness and feel the stress. How can living like that be in their best interest?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 10:46pm

I hear what you're saying... my children are MUCH better off with their parents living in different houses... my parenting ability was tremendously boosted when the stress of being married was removed.


It's sad that she's made that threat, and honestly, your friend should nip that in the bud right now.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~