WHY does this bother me so much?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
WHY does this bother me so much?
8
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 2:15am

I keep allowing myself to react to things my ex says in regards to how much better his life is now. The reason I left him was because he was completely sacrificing our family for pursuit of his dreams. I NEVER asked him to stop pursuing, I only asked that while he pursue he still take some responsibilty in keeping our family financially afloat and that we do some social things that don't have to do with his career.

The woman he is with now was someone who over the last many years was a "fan" of his. So of course now he has someone who is willing to revolve her life around his career, and has managed to include herself in there as well.

What angers me is that of course they look perfect. He can take her to all the out of town events he used to go to without me. SHE'S not the one who had to stay home with the kids. They only have to worry about disruption of plans every other weekend now. And even then they frequently drop the kids off at his mother's for one of the two nights they have them if it's not "convenient".

He's free. He gets to do whatever the hell he wants now and all the people around him kiss his butt. They all behave like I'm a horrible bitch and he's a victim. I wonder if he tells them that he missed a child support payment so he could spend a weekend in L.A.? or San Jose? or wherever he decides he needs to be? I wonder if they'd think he was so damn great then. Especially if they knew what a pathetic amount he was even supposed to pay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2006
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 10:12am

Girl I totally feel your pain--but the fact is--we are women and women almost always get the blame. Not everytime--but almost always. I am in a very similiar situation but I haven't left--yet. But I can assure you--when I do leave--it will be a major stink. EVERYONE will think I am a beast and he a lowly peasant victim. Just hold your head up and if anyone asks anything or says anything about how you are doing, you just tell them you are doing great that not much has changed in your life--you have been a single mother for years now, only now you have less laundry to do-since his new girlfriend has taken up your slack!!! That is how I feel, I know it seems right now that your decision to leave and start over has backfired because it seems like he is doing great, but I assure you--that is just for show. He is existing on marshmallows and that will never work for long. Substance has to be there somewhere. Whatever you do--regardless of what everyone else thinks of you--do NOT let him take advantage of you. I speak from serious experience here. When i was young, I got pregnant and never married the man. He promised he would help me and support me in anyway he could. He was in school and I knew for both of us to benefit it was important for him to get his degree. I never pushed the money issue because he did say he would help me when he got on his feet out of school--that day never came until she was twelve. He had long been employed with a great company and had gotten married and had children with her. I watched as they bought a new home and then three more rental offices and two rental houses and built swimming pool's and took vacations in their new cars and I never stopped letting her see her father. She loved him and I couldn't do that to her no matter what he was doing to me. Finally.....one day....when I got the news that he had built a sunroom on his house for his wife-I just snapped--I knew he made ALOT of money and I also knew that his wife got my daughter seconds clothes while her kids wore BIGTIME name brands--I worked two jobs to make ends meet and never had asked for ANYTHING from him--not even a pair of shoes--by this time I had married and my husband and I did struggle financially, but I never asked him for anything because he was also raising kids. When my daughter told me of the sunroom-I left work that day and went straight to the lawyers office and filed for child support--he was floored I had never gotten anything. I couldn't ask for back support because it had never been ordered. When her dad got the news--HE was floored!!! (I still chuckle at all of it!!) he was pissed! But I just smiled the whole time and then I remarked that I hope this didn't cut into the budget of their home improvement. He now pays me a HUGE check every month and now that his company has transferred him, HE has to drive all the way to my house to see her. I hated I allowed my daughter to go without all because I didn't want to 'rock the boat' I felt so much guilt and shame over getting pregnant young, and I allowed others to judge me and in turned judged myself so much-I just kept thinking I didn't deserve it.

ANYWAY---I SAID ALL THAT TO SAY THIS--DON'T LET ANYONE RUN OVER YOU. IF HE DOESN'T PAY YOU--NAIL HIS BUTT TO THE WALL. AND ENJOY YOUR NEW FREEDOM!! He will never again have what you now have--Yourself!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 7:12am

I know exactly what you mean! My ex (who also enjoys blaming me for what he started ;-) ) Now has a gf that is a multi-millionaire. SO, while I try and figure out how to make mortgage, car, utility payments, HE is driving around in 2 different Mercedes, a Lexus, just got a new Harley, already had 2 other motorcycles. AND, I get to try and figure out how to buy groceries every week.

AND, then the worse part is, he gets to pop in when it is convenient for him, and be the "fun dad" doing the things I can not afford. AND, I get to look like the bad guy making them do home work, clean up and be responsible.

It just isn't easy sometimes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 7:00pm
They just plain suck. That's all. I spent the day trying to deal with a broken washing machine and 2 leaks in 'our' roof. I call him to ask him to come over and help figure out what to do with all the water pouring into the house and he couldn't be bothered. Did I mention we have 3 kids? I was probably the worst mom in the world today. I was so angry and cranky, and probably blew my top at them for no reason. I am working on it but is any one else just plain pissed off?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 11:35pm
Sorry my response to your post was so cranky....I am so bitter at the moment, but I shouldn't use obnoxious language (even if I feel these guys deserve it). My STBX only set up the paperwork for divorce today and I probably should not have been on the board and so angry at the same time.........I am tired of the kids looking at me like I made him leave, only for him to show up and take them out to pizza.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 12:20am

Don't worry about it. I've been a wreck all weekend and feel cranky myself. I had a huge blowout with his gf on Friday and still haven't recovered. My STBX told her I had said she wasn't "allowed" to talk to me anymore. I told her this wasn't true and even brought him out to make him say he was wrong. Anyway, she and I continued to talk and it just blew up into this huge fight. It ended after she listed off a bunch of things that questioned my character and then she said I was trying to control how she dressed around my kids (meaning because she seriously does dress like something that resembles a prostitute) to which I responded "Pfff, no I don't. That's a lost cause since we all know you can't keep your tits to yourself". She looked down at my size barely B breasts and says "Are you saying this because you're unattractive?" I responded with "You know, it's funny, because I've had several people tell me they think YOU look like a man"

Not proud of this one at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 12:22am
Thanks for your response. For the most part I do enjoy my new freedom. My plan now is to get my education so I don't have to rely ion him for anything. I am tired of being in the position of worrying if he'll pay his child support or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 12:25am
Have you ever seen the movie "She-Devil"? It's got some hilariously great ideas for ruining the "honeymoon" for the new rich gf. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 7:39am

Gwen just try to stay above the fray.

Remember when speaking with your ex that he is TRYING to get a rise out of you. When talking to him just keep the bile down long enough to get through the conversation whatever it is truly about and get out of there as quickly as possible. Then have a quick little rant in the car on the way home with yourself or to a close friend and let it out, but don't let him get the better of you.

The best revenge is living you life well and I don't mean materialistically. Someone who has to drone on and on about how great his life is now makes me believe his life isn't that great, I don't brag about how great my life is now. When people ask me about my divorce I do explain that it was a really difficult time in my life but I don't regret anything because it's made me the person I am today and I am better for the experience and I do have a much better life post divorce than I did within my marriage or I probably would have ever had married to my ex. But I don't have to tell people everyday how great my life is, someone who brags a lot is overcompensating. He's trying too hard to convince you. When he goes on and on just smile and say I'm happy for you and like I said get out of there quickly so you don't bark or get into an argument.

It's really hard I totally get it especially when you hear the things they say about you, my ex was having an affair on me and yet was trashing me all over town I think it's their way of getting off the guilt of their cupability in the failed marriage. But in my opinion, public opinion in the grande scheme doesn't matter, I don't give a rat's patootie about what anyone thinks about my marriage, they weren't in it and if someone is so easily swayed and doesn't understand that there are 2 sides to every story then it's not like they are friends anyways. WHO NEEDS EM'. Shake the apple tree free of the bad apples, I learned that in my divorce, you will truly find out who your real friends are. Through counseling I realized that although it might hurt my feelings my initial reaction to defend myself at the trashing was because in some small way my self esteem was so damaged that I believed the stuff he was saying about me, but through counseling I really got my self-esteem, self worth and self awareness to a level where I realize I cannot control other peoples opinions of me, there is always going to be someone out in the world that is going to start a rumor, not going to like my personality and who just plain isn't going to be nice to me so I can change my personality, try and beg them to be my friend, defend myself til I am blue in the face but in the long run it's just too much energy to put into someone that really has no desire to be in my life in a positive way so I let it go and just keep being me, because I'm a pretty good person to know, I'm fiercely loyal to those in my life and a good person to have as a friend so if someone doesn't want to get to know me then it's seriously their loss. I've had people call me a whore before when I walked by and I just laughed, why? Becuase I know I'm not a whore so it was funny. You know? You let him go right on trashing you all he wants, the ones that believe him aren't worth the effort, you stay above the fray it's better for your children in the long run and for your sanity.




Edited 10/29/2006 8:45 am ET by lovinhockey17

Smile,

Deirdre