why does he call me just to "say hi"???!
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| Thu, 08-31-2006 - 11:20pm |
my H and i are separated right now, a mutual decision suggested by the marriage counselor. tomorrow is my daughter's first day of 3rd grade and she is at the house. i was sad about it so took a walk, watched the stars come out, listened to my iPOD, came back and felt better. she called to say goodnight before bed, all is well.
then while i was upstairs cleaning (i am staying at a friend's empty condo but need to move out saturday), i missed a call from him. i called back but it was only five minutes later. he said she had gotten up and was too excited about school to sleep, but was now ok. then he started talking about things, asking me how things were, etc. he asked if i was ok. i said yes, kind of slowly. then he said that i didn't sound ok. i said, well i'm a little confused as to why you're asking me about all of that when the counselor said we should just talk about maintenance things (house, cars, kids, money, etc.). he said he called just to say hi. "but i just saw you a couple of hours ago" (we had met to eat dinner so she could go home with him since i had her at work with me today). he said he felt bad (we had a fight on the phone last night, the whole point of our BEING SEPARATED was to MINIMIZE THE FIGHTING which he CONTINUES TO START ON THE PHONE), and i started helping him feel better, and then was like, you know, i am fine and i'm not supposed to be helping you feel better right now, that's not my job. (counselor words :) ). then he was very dramatic and said stuff like, wait, wait, back the train up, i am not asking you to make me feel better. and i said, then why are we talking about things like this and you are sighing into the phone and saying how bad you feel and that you wish things weren't like this? (i am the one who initiated the discussion of our failing marriage many months ago). he decided that it was a mistake to call me (no KIDDING!!!) and i said, well if she wakes up again and needs to call, she can, but she will probably be fine now. then we hung up.
the end.
i am moving into an apartment saturday and he so much wants to help me move. is that weird?? to want to help the person move out who wants to leave you?? i think it's making him crazy that he doesn't know where i live right now and he wants to know the location of my new place. i told the counselor that i don't want him to know my address because a little voice is telling me that would be a bad idea. because of that, i had to ask a good friend to help me move my elliptical tomorrow. this friend is male, my H is jealous of our friendship (in all fairness, there may be more than friendship here, but we have done nothing more than be really good friends), but he's the only one who knows of my separation who has a pickup and is strong enough to help me get this thing up the stairs (besides my H). i hate sneaking behind my H's back like this, but i have to get my stuff out of this condo in the next two days.
anyway, sorry, this was a venting of sorts to be sure. if anyone has any insights and can answer any of those q's that i've embedded in there, that would be nice.

hi. i got divorced 2 years ago from my second SOB husband, separated a year before we got divorced (i wwas ready to get divorced right away, but he dragged it out for a year). he also tried alot to talk to me all the time - we have no children in common, but every single conversation (even EMAILS for pete's sake!!) turned into a stupid, endless argument/discussion (kind of like our marriage, lol). sooooo - i decided that i was just not going to play along ANY MORE. and i just stopped. i stopped taking his calls, stopped answering his emails, just stopped. of course, its different for you because you have a dd in common. but ---- you can still stop the madness. IOW- stop trying to guess what and why he is doing this, stop telling him that HE has to stop ----- just don't acknowledge ANYTHING that is beyond your dd.
with your permission, i will take the conversation that you listed here:
<<<...i missed a call from him. i called back but it was only five minutes later. he said she had gotten up and was too excited about school to sleep, but was now ok. then he started talking about things, asking me how things were, etc. he asked if i was ok. >>> at this point, you say "is there anything else that you need to let me know about dd?" if he says "no" then just say "goodnight" AND HANG UP THE PHONE. if he says yes, let him say whatever he is saying about dd and again, when he goes off on a personal note, again you say "is there anything else ..... re dd?" DO NOT come out with a statement of "i am only going to talk about dd and maintenance things" because that will again lead to a discussion. there is no need for you to SAY anything, because it was already said in the therapist's office. what you need to do is just follow up.
why is he doing this? who knows. to drive you crazy, perhaps. to control your life, perchance. who knows? whatever.... start redirecting your focus and attention in life to YOU instead of to HIM.
tell me about it! the curse of being female.... but you know - it IS possible to change, i did!