Why does it take so long to know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2013
Why does it take so long to know?
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 6:01pm

Everything between my husband was going great until he told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore. We are very honest towards each other and I don't believe that their is another woman but I believe that he just got tired, feels like being with himself without have me as a variable in his life, doesn't want to be married and prefers to be with his family members whom he has been disconnected from for a few years. He says he loves me and would like to remain friends-pay rent until I stabilize and trusts me. Days went by until I approached him with a negotiation to go for a separation (which is what I believed was going to happen anyway) and not immedietely file for divorce in spite or rage or being impulsive. I have the belief that time apart is great ( we've spent excessive amount of time with each other and kind of stop communicating ) and time apart has allowed me to reflect on outside issues and now I'm motivated to change. But I'm also impatient to just know from him if he wants to be with me or not. If you don't want to be with someone, you just don't? Right? I'm very black or white, yes or no. I still don't entirely dislike my husband for even doing this to me, but I'm just confused, what's the hold up? Why can't I get answers? Why is my spouse ignoring me and if he want's to leave, why is his stuff still in my apartment? What's with the uncertainty?

I ask him if he wants to be with me and he doesn't know? If you have to ask yourself that, doesn't it just mean no? 

I don't think he will file. Although I've been blindsided with this. Divorce time will be a minimum of 6months here where I live. That will be more than enough time to think it over but why hasn't he filed yet if he was so certain? We've been married for 3 years and a few months. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2013
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 9:21pm

So sorry to hear this. Any chance of going to counseling so there is an outside source to help? If not both of you, maybe he could go? There has to be more going on than he is saying. Any certain stress happening right now?

Best to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sat, 04-27-2013 - 10:46am
Sorry to say but I figure that everything was going on great only for you because he is the one to talk about break up. Its likely that he was pretending all to be fine till he was ready to throw the bomb. If you are waiting for him to file, he will do so, sooner or later . Do you have kids ? Divorce is never easy for anyone even if you are the one initiating it. What reason does he site for the divorce apart from wanting to single ( many men prefer to be single , so its normal ! ) I am sorry you are blindsided but I too would suggest counselling for yourself. You may want to write here more and we can help you sort out your feelings.
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 7:26pm

Maybe he's hoping you will be the one to pack and go?

It's possible. Saves him all the hassle of packing, moving, finding another place, starting over, etc. Easier to have you say "OK, I'll go."

My advice: don't. If anything, if he won't go to counseling and wants out, here's what I'd do: get some boxes and start packing his things. Toss him the phone book and say, "Better find a storage unit or an apartment. You have until the end of this month."

Of course, be careful he doesn't take your assets with him. Get legal advice. Separate you finances and protect yourself.