Why is that first step so hard
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Why is that first step so hard
| Sun, 09-10-2006 - 10:57am |
I have been thinking about leaving my husband for years, but could never get the courage. Brief history- we have been married for 16 years, have 2 kids, 14 and 4. He is a recovering addict, and spent over 10 years of our marriage in and out of active drug use(mostly in). Through this I have dealt with his depression(crashing from th e drugs), suicide attempts(the ones for attention, not real attempts), trips to the hospital for ods, financial ruin(there were times that we went without heat, water, etc due to his drug spending). And lying, constant lying. And through it all, I would believe him when he'd say he'd quit, but he didnt. He is now on disability( he is diabetic). When he stopped working I worked 3 jobs to get us back on track, now I have a great full time job that I love. He has been drug free for about 6 months now. I told him a few months ago that I wasnt happy, that I was no longer in love with him. I still have alot of anger about the past and cant get over it. I lost who I was throughout his addiction, I was focused completely on him and making him happy. I lost my dreams, he has ruined my credit,we are still very much in debt. After 16 years we hve nothing. He asked me if I wanted to call it quits- this was my chance- I really wanted to say yes, but I said no- WHY!! Because of fear. I am terrified to take that step! Terrified that people will think bad of me for giving up, terrified of living by myself and taking care of the kids. terrified of hurting H's feelings! terrified that I will traumatize my kids. so I agreed to go to counseling, which we have gone to for 6 weeks and I hate it. HE picked where we would go, and it is with a pastor of a church down the road. the counseling sessions have nothing to do with our marriage, he reads bible versus and asks us questions about them( I feel like a kid that didnt do his homework)
So, last night H kisses me on the cheek and says " I love you" . I didnt say it back and he freaks, saying that I never say I love you and do I love him, blah blah blah> I told him I was tired of having this conversation and he said he wants an answer to the question by morning. Well, I got up and he and the boys had gone to church. So todays my chance. I wnat to tell him so bad that I want a divorce, but am SO terrified of the fallout!! Why is ot so hard, when I know it is what I want?All of my friends at work are familiar with the situation tell me all the time how I should leave him.
So, last night H kisses me on the cheek and says " I love you" . I didnt say it back and he freaks, saying that I never say I love you and do I love him, blah blah blah> I told him I was tired of having this conversation and he said he wants an answer to the question by morning. Well, I got up and he and the boys had gone to church. So todays my chance. I wnat to tell him so bad that I want a divorce, but am SO terrified of the fallout!! Why is ot so hard, when I know it is what I want?All of my friends at work are familiar with the situation tell me all the time how I should leave him.

I think that it would beneficial to you to get some "real" counseling (no offence to you church people out there - I don't have a problem with religious counseling, but in some cases, more professional advice is needed).
see - your husband has been an addict for most ofyour marriage, and you have (most probably) been an enabler. now that he is sober (and i am hoping that he went thru an AA type program), HE has changed, and as a result - you and he have to kind of start all over.
of course, there is a lot of anger and hurt (on your side), and I am sure that HE is feeling that YOU should be happy now - that he has managed to take this amazing step. so there will be hurt on HIS part. not to mention the debt and money issues.
you didn't mention if YOU have gotten help for yourself from al-anon or a similar organization. if not - please start there. and then - you and your husband must get professional help, to either fix (restart) your marriage, or to be able to move on in a healthy way.
Yes, the fallout of divorce is difficult. But the pain of stying in an unhappy marriage is far worse. I always ask people, "What is the worst possible outcome?" Then, "What's the best possible outcome?" In a divorce, the reality lies somewhere in between the worst and best scenario.
I know the first step is SO hard, but it really could be the first step toward a life you need and deserve. Think about it.