Why is he???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2007
Why is he???
3
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 1:02pm
My husband and I separated a week ago today and everything is in agreement as far as assets and stuff, but over the last few days, he's been so cold to me. When he gets home, he changes his clothes and leaves, when he's here, he's mean, says the most hurtful words, recently told me he didn't love me anymore. His eyes are cold, when he answers my phone calls, he says "what" and to top it off, when I cry (which is frequently) he says why are you crying? And tells me he just wants to "move on". I try to explain to him by my crying, I'm not wanting him back, I'm grieving and he somehow thinks that means something different.
Why is he being so mean and hateful?
I just want to get through this with peace and cooperation.
Help me please!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2007
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 2:23am

I know what you're going through...I'm going through something similar right now. My ex is also very cold and mean towards me, which is quite different than how he acted during our relationship. Also, he absolutely hates it when I cry. He yells at me to stop crying because he says I'm doing it as a means of manipulating him (which isn't the case at all.) One thing I learned is that some men (and probably some women too) like to distance themselves completely from emotion to deal with what is happening, and seeing you cry makes them either feel bad or guilty for something in the relationship. Either way, it seems unfair...but I've come to the conclusion that the best thing to do is try and avoid that situation as much as possible.

When you feel sad, try and call a close friend or family member for support, since you're not going to feel any better around your husband in the current situation. Trying to explain how you're feeling and what you're actually crying about may or may not work...in my case, it just made things worse, but use your best judgment.

Sorry I'm not much help, but just know that you're not alone...we're in the same boat. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 11:32am

I wish I could help you. Heck, at least he's saying something to you. My soon to be ex wife won't even speak to me. Not a word. We have a hearing set this week to decide division of property and what is going to happen with our child. She is going to get custody and I will get to see my 20 month old daughter who needs me every other freaking weekend. Great. Again, I'm sorry I can't help you. I guess the only lesson I've learned in the month since my wife left is some people choose to move on and don't look back.
Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2007
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 9:33pm

We do not know all the circumstances but I suspect that your H is showing his anger that the relationship may be over. He may even be angry with himself. Clearly, physically separating will help both parties think more clearly. Perhaps with some time, you and he can find a way to work through it.

Breaking up is "gut wrenching" and normally is filled with drama and emotion by all parties. As best as you can, try not to cry when you speak with him. Try very hard to think in terms of the logic and facts rather than the emotion.

There are many sources of support out there: family and friends, therapist, counselor, pastor and church support groups. The Bible is a great place to draw strength.

I also recommend that you seek the advice of a lawyer.