Well since things are over in your mind, I'd say you should at least consult a lawyer--it doesn't mean you have to file for divorce right away, but at least you can start thinking of how things could go and what your rights are.
What baffles me the most is that he thinks that I
Then its time to call the domestic abuse hotline and get referrals as to what you can do ABOUT YOUR SITUATION.
I would suggest going over on Ivillage to the domestic abuse board and explain what you wrote here.. Your situation is in need of so much more .over on that board the great ladies will give you the proper resources and phone numbers and what you can do about domestic abuse AND YES ITS ABUSE..
i would also suggest counseling but only for you.. There is a great book titled "Why does he do that" By Lundy Bancroft. Please get a copy and read it.. but DO NOT TELL HUBBY about it. From here on in do not tell your husband what you are doing or planning to do or whatever.. really?DO NOT
I think as a result of therapy you are now aware of things that have not been able to name or put a finger on for 15 years. And, like many people who find out something astonishing, they have to process what they've learned. Then, react to it.
It's normal to experience shock at what you learn, and then anger. It's like a death: what you believed or focused on as "true" has died because of what you know. Now you have to process that information and make new choices.
I hope you're still seeing your counselor, because now the real work begins. WHAT do you do with the discoveries you made? What choices will you make for the future because of what you now know. (Because now you know you HAVE choices.) HOW will you choose to respond to your husband?
One possible outcome of your revelations is divorce. It's not the only choice. You are now in a position to renegotiate your marriage because you now know you've been manipulated and you no longer want that to be "status quo." Your husband is going to respond to a "different you," especially if you stand up for yourself and no longer accept abuse. Work with your counselor to learn tools to deal with his reaction to your "new self" because he will, even if he says he won't.
I do encourage you to talk to your counselor about how to deal with your abuse and your husband's abusive behavior. If you have children together, even if you divorce, you will have to deal with each other for the rest of your lives because of your kids. If you don't have children, then a divorce will affect you differently, but may not require lifelong coping ability.
I do suggest you educate yourself about your rights and responsibilities should you file for divorce and go talk to a divorce attorney. Don't threaten to file or file, until you understand those rights and responsibilities. You may also want to set up your own bank account, po box, and credit under your name before you file. There's alot of things to know.
In the meantime, you can't control your husband's responses (or lack of) but you can decide what you want yours to be. So keep working on yourself. Married or single you'll need to learn how to be a whole new person who doesn't find herself in another abusive relationship down the road.