WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR THEM TO MOVE ON!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR THEM TO MOVE ON!!!
41
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 4:35am

I have been legally divorced from my ex for coming up on 3 years now. He has already moved on and remarried! He married his GF of 3 yrs (she works with him, do the math) and she has 3 kids from her two exes (2 from an ex husband and 1 from an ex boyfriend). My ex and I were together for 11 years and one week he is telling me and everyone else how much he loved me as a wife and mother (we have a son together) and the next week he says, "I just don't love you anymore. I don't want to be married anymore." And that was that. He quickly moved out and on with his life. I was left at home trying to explain why Daddy wasn't there to our then 4 yr. old son.

So fast forward to today, like I said, he is now married and here I am, still struggling in the dating world (which I hate). I'm not ugly, in pretty good shape thanks to working out my frustrations with exercise, I'm not a mean person, I'm not a bit#%, I have a decent job, I don't throw my son on men nor do I try to turn them into my son's Father, I'm a good person and I CONSTANTLY have people asking me why I don't have someone. I've dated but just haven't found Mr. Right. I'm just so frustrated! Why is it after all that man has put me through he walks away remarried and living happily ever after and I'm still struggling to do so?!?!?!? It's so unfair! My ex is such a jerk and has fought child support, visitation....EVERYTHING that regards our son. EVERYTHING with him is just a complete battle and power struggle on his part. He's just not a nice man! So WHY do bad guys finish first?!?! Why can't I find someone and live happily ever after too!!! UGH!!! NO JUSTICE!!!

It just always seems like the men move on much more quickly than women! Like heartless, careless bast*&ds totally disregarding ANY past they may have had with you!! I certainly don't love him anymore, actually his looks (and attitude) have SERIOUSLY gone down the drain, not to mention I now see what type of man he REALLY is, but it's just so unbelievable that he threw 11 years of our lives down the toilet, 11 years of history and growing up together....to then tell me he was tired of being married only to turn around and marry again a few years later, AND to a woman with 3 kids from 2 different men nonetheless! I just don't get it and everything is hunky dorey with him. WHY?!?!?!




Edited 7/14/2005 3:41 pm ET ET by sdnative1973

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 7:49am

What makes you think his life is so happy? From what you describe, I can only imagine temporary happiness or the appearance of happiness. Of course he wouldn't want you to think otherwise, but knowing who he really is do think beind the scenes everything is so perfect? He probably just hasn't got what's coming to him yet, one day she'll see the real him too.

I don't think men move on faster. I think whichever person wanted the divorce moves on faster. The person who wanted the divorce had more time to think about it and they are the one's making the decision based on what they want. The other person has to react and adjust even if they don't want to.

You will find someone, but you are going to find the *right* person vs. him finding the first person that came along. Which position would you rather be in? It's not supposed to be about who does better after divorce, you just do the best you can and figure out how to be okay with that, but if it was about winning, I'd say you will be the one to win in the end.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 10:29am

I used to think the same thing that my ex was sooo happy especially since he would tell me he was and he's moved on. It was all a big front. He is the most miserable, bitter person and it shows through his behavior.

But like First said- What makes you think he's happy. Ofcourse he'd rather have you believe that than to know he's not happy. I also felt how could my ex "move on" so quickly, throwing away our family, we have a 2 1/2 yr old son. I was devastated at first for a long long time. But I finally woke up. I saw the rea him and I am the lucky one as you are. I know it's hard to see sometimes because you miss the companionship and the family setting. But you will find someone who will treat you the way you deserve. I used to think the "ow" had won and it hurt like hell. But I realize now that Im the winner.

Ive been talking to an ex of mine from a few years ago and right now he is married and getting ready to get a divorce. We've been spending some time together but Ive told him that "we" cant pursue anything seriously until his divorce is final and he understands. But I see in being around him that I dont miss the person my ex was I miss the companionship he represented when things were good between us. I miss the laughs, the hugging, the compliments, the knowing that someone is happy to see you. So I dont NEED my ex at all and all this time I thought I did I thought he defined or completed me. Girl, he sure as heck doesnt. If anything I was the prize and he didnt even really deserve, lol.

Trust me, god will send you that special person. In the meantime just pray, put you first. He will get everything he deserves. I believe in KARMA. PAYBACK IS A B!*CH

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 12:50pm

Hi


I have asked myself this very question. I was M for 26years when my stbx wrote me a letter and informed me he wanted a D.. that was in Nov of 2003..the D is still not over,,he is fighting the amount of alimoney I am getting,he continued to live in the house up until Jan of 2005,,did not speak to me that whole time,or even sit in the same room..before he had moved out,,he had bought land,with the help of his mommy,,and built a home.. also bought a new car.. also it would seem that he has someone living with him already,..


SO who do they move on so easy,,dont know,but i do hope this new person in his life turns out to be a living b**ch.. that would be so rewarding ..


When I found out he wanted a D,,which I never seen coming,,I was totally blindsided,,I told him lets sit down and talk about it,,his reply was he had nothing to talk about,,instead of trying to work and save the M ,he only wanted to end it,,now I wonder if his nex chicky played any part in that.. he never showed any kind of emotion,,the only thing he did say it he did not and has not love me for a long time..hows that for 26years of M,,


just remember what goes around comes around.. and I do smile to myself every week when I get my alimoney check,,he wanted his freedom,,now he will pay for it for the rest of his joke of a life..:)


"I am nothing special; of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough".


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 1:03pm

You know I could have written your post......in fact I think I did - in my journal.

Hugs~ Lexi

"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars" ~ Les Brown


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 5:15pm
So many of us have the same story here. I use to ask myself that same question. I was married for 20yrs when out of the blue my XH said he wasn't happy and wanted out. I left him alone (why wouldn't I?) for the weekend and came home to find out he just fell in love with someone who called themselves my "friend". He had known her all of 3 months. He moved in with her and her family of 14 kids (well, 10 of them still at home) the very next day he left me. That was March 2003. By October I was divorced and November they were married in a fairytale wedding. Why did my X move on so quickly? I asked myself that daily. Didn't he love me? What happened? He was just telling someone how proud he was of our marriage just the week prior. His new "love" is very well off and now he doesn't have to work. Ironic thing is the whole Karma. Today, he is in poor health and barely gets out of bed every day. Is it Karma or did GOD get me out of that situation before he got sick so I wouldn't have to deal with it?
As far as finding someone else. Take your time! Don't be in such a rush to find that companionship. I know how lonely it is. My X was the only man I had been with in 22 years! I miss that. I don't know if I miss him but I do miss our life together before all of this mess! I'm taking my time to work on myself, find out who I am and remember what its like to have fun. It is possible, it just takes time. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 8:49pm

Count me in, too! That is my story, exactly, except my child is a girl and I didn't come to SD till I was 2. (Near-native? LOL!)

These chickens who run away from life by chasing some skirt... they will have the pleasure of having to live with THEMSELVES for many, many years to come. Ick. I'm glad it's not me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 11:16pm
WOW!! Your ex and my ex sound like the same MAN!! I totally understand how you feel!! My ex and I were together for 12 years, then 2 years ago left to be with another woman! I have often wondered myself how he seemed to be able to move on so easily and throw away 12 years, and after much thought I finally figured it out! Because he had a PLAN B and I didn't!! He kept his options open, and when something better came along, or something that he thought was better, he thought 'what the hell'! I didn't have those thoughts because I thought that he and I would be together forever! I didn't see things any other way! I am not as sad as I used to be and I am certainly not looking for anyone to replace him, no one could, even though I don't love him anymore, and lately my feelings for him are boardering on hate and contempt. I wonder too, how I could have spent 12 years with him. I feel 'what a waste'! But really it wasn't. I have two beautiful children who live with me who I wouldn't have otherwise. I am with them everyday. I see them grow, I see the good, the bad, and the ugly! He is the one missing out! I have had 2 great years with the kids, that he will never see. He will never live. He has let himself go, physically and mentally. This tells me that he really isn't happy. Please agree with me on this that happy people take care of themselves; they don't let themselves go! They take care of themselves because they take the time to care. Unhappy people don't care. My ex is also bad about paying child support and hardly does the father thing. He also is at odds with me about custody. I doubt he will ever change. I know it sucks, but maybe your ex isn't as happy as you think he is. If he hasn't learned from his relationship with you, he is most likely going to repeat the same mistakes with his new wife. He has only been with her for 3 years; my ex has been with his GF for 2; in my opinion not enough time to get to the point where they have really had ENOUGH!!, and are ready to call it quits! Give it time; I seriously doubt the outcome will be any different. At any rate, you will meet someone when the time is right and you have dealt with all your baggage with your ex. Good luck!
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 10:54am

SD,

Your Ex's new wife has 2 Ex's? Oh boy, you can probably take heart in one thing: Your Ex will probably become her THIRD Ex somewhere down the line! (If she's cheated on 2 previous husbands she'll cheat on him. He's in for a surprise! P.S. I know you don't think that's funny now...but I hope you get the chance to say "I told you so" later!)

Moving on is the most difficult when you are the one who was "left behind." Emotionally, your ex had departed your relationship long before he packed his bags and walked out the door. You were left with the shock of his announcement/departure and unfairly, all the hardship of dealing with that PLUS the responsibility of shouldering all the grief and bretrayal of an adult to a child. Your EX is truly an immature and emotionally stunted individual. I wish him luck trying to sustain his fantasy of "no responsibility" as he ages.

Meanwhile, it's completely understandable that you are still very angry about the loss of your marriage. There's one thing I can tell you about getting through this and that's you can't avoid these feelings. If you haven't done so, I highly recommend getting into a support group. There you can vent and you'll find some comfort in hearing others stories, many like your own, so you don't feel like you're the only one whose ever suffered through betrayal and loss. I also highly recommend you find other ways to express your pent up frustrations: exercise is a good one. After my first husband moved out (declaring much the same as yours) I took my anger to the gym. I pumped iron, swam, and biked for miles. I dropped 35 pounds and trained for a triathalon! (About a year after our separation I ran into my Ex. Let's just say he didn't recognize me. I was meeting a date and I was dressed to kill.). Several years later (it's been 8 now) he told me he'd been a fool to divorce me. And so he was.....

It's also important to remember that you set the example for your son about how to handle yourself. Work hard to help him understand how much you love him and want him in your life and try harder to not villanize your Ex, his father. One day, I think you'll be rewarded when your son tells you "I'm proud of you Mom." And so you will be too...

Good luck.

Wisdomtooth

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2005
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 3:20pm

I came to this board today to write "Why is it so easy for them to move on!!" I feel better knowing so many others are feeling the same way I am and I am not a freak LOL. I told my STBX last night that in reality I didn't lose anything. He never loved me. He lost everything, I devoted my life to loving that man. I would have taken care of him forever. My STBX is already trolling for women on the internet. He is such a pig. I am going to devote my time to my family, friends and work. If I meet someone someday then it was meant to be. I am not going to go out and pursue a man to validate myself and help me cope with the lonliness that comes from being left by a self-centered slug of a man.
Forgive me...I am a little bitter today.

Peace to you all and may the men get what they deserve--whatever that is.

Kim : )

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 8:43am

kim...

Pianoguy would like to remind our wonderful feminine contributors to this board that IT'S NOT JUST THE WOMEN WHO GET HURT OR BURNED....MEN ARE OFTEN ON THE RECEIVING END TOO! So it's not really fair to lump all men in the "get what they deserve" category!

There are wives, gf's and s.o.'s who either become restless...or bored with one man...and wish to 'explore new relationship avenues' instead! Subsequently, the man (and possibly a few children) get to experience the emotional pain and any 'after-effects' that come with it?

The biggest problem for a man is this. We're supposed keep our mouths shut about the incident and continue "business as usual"---as if nothing had happened! A pretty lousy conclusion when you realize the woman we thought LOVED US....ACTUALLY DIDN'T!!!

Pianoguy

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