WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR THEM TO MOVE ON!!!
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 07-13-2005 - 4:35am |
I have been legally divorced from my ex for coming up on 3 years now. He has already moved on and remarried! He married his GF of 3 yrs (she works with him, do the math) and she has 3 kids from her two exes (2 from an ex husband and 1 from an ex boyfriend). My ex and I were together for 11 years and one week he is telling me and everyone else how much he loved me as a wife and mother (we have a son together) and the next week he says, "I just don't love you anymore. I don't want to be married anymore." And that was that. He quickly moved out and on with his life. I was left at home trying to explain why Daddy wasn't there to our then 4 yr. old son.
So fast forward to today, like I said, he is now married and here I am, still struggling in the dating world (which I hate). I'm not ugly, in pretty good shape thanks to working out my frustrations with exercise, I'm not a mean person, I'm not a bit#%, I have a decent job, I don't throw my son on men nor do I try to turn them into my son's Father, I'm a good person and I CONSTANTLY have people asking me why I don't have someone. I've dated but just haven't found Mr. Right. I'm just so frustrated! Why is it after all that man has put me through he walks away remarried and living happily ever after and I'm still struggling to do so?!?!?!? It's so unfair! My ex is such a jerk and has fought child support, visitation....EVERYTHING that regards our son. EVERYTHING with him is just a complete battle and power struggle on his part. He's just not a nice man! So WHY do bad guys finish first?!?! Why can't I find someone and live happily ever after too!!! UGH!!! NO JUSTICE!!!
It just always seems like the men move on much more quickly than women! Like heartless, careless bast*&ds totally disregarding ANY past they may have had with you!! I certainly don't love him anymore, actually his looks (and attitude) have SERIOUSLY gone down the drain, not to mention I now see what type of man he REALLY is, but it's just so unbelievable that he threw 11 years of our lives down the toilet, 11 years of history and growing up together....to then tell me he was tired of being married only to turn around and marry again a few years later, AND to a woman with 3 kids from 2 different men nonetheless! I just don't get it and everything is hunky dorey with him. WHY?!?!?!
Edited 7/14/2005 3:41 pm ET ET by sdnative1973

Pages
Hey pianoguy.......
I, for one, very much appreciate the male perspective you provide. It helps me understand.
Cupcake
Thanks, Cupcake!
You made me smile this morning. :)
Pianoguy
I don't think that MEN necessarily move on more quickly but that ONE PERSON in the marriage usually moves on more quickly. It's pretty typical in divorces that one person had been contemplating the divorce for quite awhile and by the time they end up filing for divorce, they have already dealt with all the hurt and emotional issues and are ready to move on.
It may typically SEEM like men are the ones who move on more quickly but most discussion forums and support groups are usually made up of a much larger percentage of women. That's because most men don't like to talk about their feelings during a tough time the way women do. So we usually hear MANY more stories of men moving on more quickly because women are the ones who tell those stories.
I'm a prime example of the opposite extreme. My ex and went to counseling for years. I grieved over our weak marriage for years before I was ready to divorce. But when I made that decision it was only after I truely felt I had done everything I could and had reached a point where I WANTED to be divorced. So I had already worked through all my emotional and relational issues when I filed and was ready for a new (better) relationship right away.
I also think that MANY women (and I speak from the experience of seeing how horribly many of my friends treated their ex's while they were still married to them even though they thought their HUSBAND was the problem) live in a state of denial about just how messed up their marriages are. Their husbands try various ways to tell them they aren't happy, but we women typically don't REALLY listen to their issues until they start using the word divorce. So very often the man has seen the divorce coming and has been able to emotionally prepare for it, while we live with our heads in the sand and are shocked when it happens. So women often don't begin to deal with the emotional aspects of a divorce until papers are actually file.
My DH is a prime example of this. For over 5 years he told his ex that he wasn't happy and that they needed help to make their marriage work. She did nothing but blame him for all their problems. When he filed for divorce, he had also completely dealt with the loss of his marriage and was ready to be done with the marriage. However, when he filed for divorce his wife suddenly tried to say that now was the time to try to work on their marriage. So they were at two compleltely different places emotionally and relationally. He WANTED to be divorced and get on with his life. She was "shocked" that he filed and wanted to "start" to work on their marriage.
As with many things during divorce, I think that since each person enters the divorce with their own perceptions and point of view, we often don't have a realistic view of what the situation really is. Regardless, divorce is NEVER easy!!
sdnative1973...
Pianoguy pretty much agrees with the percentages....although he thinks it's more like 80-85% men and 15-20% women who wish to dissolve a marriage. Maybe it's because a lot of women have begun to realize that if a marriage ISN'T GOING TO WORK...there's no point in trying to sustain a failure?
I don't think there's anybody reading this who enjoys the process of divorce because once everything is "signed, sealed and delivered" (quoting the Stevie Wonder tune here), the AFTER-EFFECTS can last indefinitely.
It's just one man's opinion, but maybe what both sexes are honestly looking for...aside from love...is a partner who he/she is able to "relate to" and vice versa?
Pianoguy
Not trying to be sexist here....but....I honestly think that a large number of men remain in a marriage until there is someone else to fall back on. Although they may not be happy in their marriage, most men like the idea of marriage...of having someone at home to cook, clean, take care of them, take care of their children, etc. They don't like to be alone.
Look at not only these boards, but any divorce forums anywhere, look at your neighbors, friends, family.....9 times out of 10 it is the man who ends up with someone else a long time before the woman does.
Even though I am the one who left our marriage and ex played the wounded party very well...especially to his friends and family, I knew for a very long time that he had someone else on the side. He still isn't man enough to own up to it....but it doesnt' take a brain surgeon to know that a job does not require overnight stays at the office or 60 minute cell phone calls locked in the bedroom.
When I told him I was leaving, he cried, told me how scared he was, how much he loved me, blah, blah, blah. It was not a matter of months, but days before he was staying over in the city at least two nights a week....again...doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that he didn't start a relationships that fast and that it had been going on a long time. Yep, still denies it.
This man has never been alone, never lived alone...and is not unlike many men. Someone has always been there to take care of them.
The week after I left, his mom and older sister were at the house...cleaning it from top to bottom for him, bringing him food, doing his laundry, etc. This wans't a new house he was trying to start up but our family home...complete with ALL of our furnishing, food, etc. It is only three years old...so hardly a run down old pigsty that needed mommy's touch.
As for me...I am very happy being on my own...I have absolutely no desire at all to find someone else...I dont' WANT anyone else and can't see me wanting another relationship for a very, very long time.
Not to be sexist either, but there are plenty of women that will be with any man regardless of whether he is the right man just so they won't be alone. I'm not like that today, but until recently I was one of those people who's never really been alone. None of my relationships were destructive, but none have been completely healthy and happy either, because I was willing to make compromises then, and I did all this subconciously, not realizing how astonishingly easy it was for me to 'find' someone new when a relationship ended. This happens for both sexes.
I wouldn't use statistics taken only from divorce forums either. Your assumption might be correct, but there really isn't a way to prove that unless you look at all divorces and not all divorcing people go to divorce forums. Women are more likely IMHO to seek out support groups, online or IRL, and therefore it skews any data you might collect. Look at this group for instance, we rarely get a male poster and half the time when we do, we scare him away because our "ex-bashing" (completely normal, expected and healthy) can easily turn into or be perceived as "man-bashing" (unfair and not necessary for us to heal and move on).
No matter where you look, I stick to my opinion that men are far more likely to jump back into a relationship right away...and even more likely to find a relationship to move into before ending a marriage to avoid being alone.
Hi Janalta!
PG apologizes for not responding to your post sooner, but THURSDAY was his birthday...and he decided to spend it away from ivillage. The drive up the coast and a twin-lobstah dinner were very relaxing!
I'm in agreement with almost all of your comments.
Men do GET COMFORTABLE IN A MARRIAGE! The benefits you've pointed out are certainly there and to be perfectly honest..."being alone" for a man can really be difficult at times! We adjust to the idea because we have to. But it's not necessarily a choice that we embrace 100% of the time!
Keep in mind that there are some men who just want to date, but not take things any further. And ("not to sound sexist"---using your phrase here) this MALE CHOICE frustrates most women who want (OR EXPECT) marriage...or some sort of permanent relationship. After a certain amount of time "investing her time in a man", it's no surprise that a woman will throw her hands up in the air...and say "the hell with this!"
However, here's something to consider?
Some men often turn to other women NOT FOR SEXUAL FAVORS, but due to the fact that a wife, g/f or S.O. has put all of her other interests AHEAD OF HIM! The more excuses a woman has to 'not see' someone is occasionally our cue to seek out somebody else.
While I don't think any couple expects things to stay completely the same in a marriage or a relationship, if the LOVE or LIKE ain't there...WHAT'S THE POINT?
When two people "grow away from each other in different directions"---it's not surprising that at least ONE HALF OF THAT COUPLE will turn to somebody else. "Surviving together as a couple" doesn't make a marriage! You have to WANT to be A COUPLE...and both sides have to WORK TOGETHER to make that concept happen!
I think it's terrific that you can be comfortable on your own without the benefit of a man. Many women have no problem doing this. But I'm willing to bet there are several more who HONESTLY CAN'T?
Pianoguy
Pages