WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR THEM TO MOVE ON!!!
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| Wed, 07-13-2005 - 4:35am |
I have been legally divorced from my ex for coming up on 3 years now. He has already moved on and remarried! He married his GF of 3 yrs (she works with him, do the math) and she has 3 kids from her two exes (2 from an ex husband and 1 from an ex boyfriend). My ex and I were together for 11 years and one week he is telling me and everyone else how much he loved me as a wife and mother (we have a son together) and the next week he says, "I just don't love you anymore. I don't want to be married anymore." And that was that. He quickly moved out and on with his life. I was left at home trying to explain why Daddy wasn't there to our then 4 yr. old son.
So fast forward to today, like I said, he is now married and here I am, still struggling in the dating world (which I hate). I'm not ugly, in pretty good shape thanks to working out my frustrations with exercise, I'm not a mean person, I'm not a bit#%, I have a decent job, I don't throw my son on men nor do I try to turn them into my son's Father, I'm a good person and I CONSTANTLY have people asking me why I don't have someone. I've dated but just haven't found Mr. Right. I'm just so frustrated! Why is it after all that man has put me through he walks away remarried and living happily ever after and I'm still struggling to do so?!?!?!? It's so unfair! My ex is such a jerk and has fought child support, visitation....EVERYTHING that regards our son. EVERYTHING with him is just a complete battle and power struggle on his part. He's just not a nice man! So WHY do bad guys finish first?!?! Why can't I find someone and live happily ever after too!!! UGH!!! NO JUSTICE!!!
It just always seems like the men move on much more quickly than women! Like heartless, careless bast*&ds totally disregarding ANY past they may have had with you!! I certainly don't love him anymore, actually his looks (and attitude) have SERIOUSLY gone down the drain, not to mention I now see what type of man he REALLY is, but it's just so unbelievable that he threw 11 years of our lives down the toilet, 11 years of history and growing up together....to then tell me he was tired of being married only to turn around and marry again a few years later, AND to a woman with 3 kids from 2 different men nonetheless! I just don't get it and everything is hunky dorey with him. WHY?!?!?!
Edited 7/14/2005 3:41 pm ET ET by sdnative1973

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Happy Birthday, Pianoguy!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hi PG...and Happy Birthday !!!
I'm in no way trying to say that divorce is a one way street that is usually a man's fault !! YES...I take responsibility for problems in our marriage as well...none of us are perfect. People change, people grow apart....people fall out of love, sad but true.
I fell out of love with my ex long before I ever left...and no, we had no physical relationship for several years.
Part of it was due to physical ( women stuff ) problems that I have had since the birth of my fourth child...4th c-section so no wonder my insides finally broke down ! This elft me with very, very few days each month where I was no bleeding or spotting....not the backbone for feeling very sexual. Ex pushed for sex...I got more and more resentful. He thought I used it as nothing but an excuse...didnt' actually believe all of the problems I was having....thus, more resentment from me.
There were problems in other aspects of our life as well...he loved his job more than me...and yes, did indeed state that fact on several occasions over the years.
Then, five years ago I started my own company...rescuing horses from slaughter...not a big money maker for sure, but very fulfilling. I loved it. I started getting to know a lot of people outside his circle of friends/family....doing TV and magazine interviews. suddenly he was my husband instead of me being HIS wife...and he didn't like it one bit. He couldn't handle being Mr Jane Doe. He couldn't handle me having a life outside of him and his interests.
So...he turned to the women he works with for the attention and comfort...and ego boost that he needed.
I am the one who walked away from this marriage. He didn't want to...of course not, he had his wife and kids at home and his sex and women on the side...perfect.
Yes, I can understand why he and other men stray...but it doesn't make it right...if you are not happy, if you are not getting what you want or need out fo a relationship...leave first...before you turn to soemone else.
Statistically this doesnt' happen very often.....the leading cause of divorce is infidelity...and MOST of the time it is the men who are finding other women while still married. MOST men will not voluntarily leave the security of a marriage, no matter how unhappy, unless they have someone else to go to.
Yes, of course there are insecure women out there who don't think they can live without a man...sad, but true. But on average....men do find someone else either before ending teh marriage or very soon afterwards...much more so than women do.
I hear women here and in real life depressed because they are alone...because they don't have a man to love them, blah, blah, blah. I wish they would embrace their new found independance and learn to love themselves before ever trying to start a new relationship.
"He couldn't handle being Mr. Jane Doe".
When I decided to go back to college to get my degree, my ex felt very threatend. He knew that I would be able to earn more money than him, and I think he resented that or felt bad about it. He didn't realize that I supported him enough that if he really wanted to, he could have gone back to school also, he just chose not to, but wanted to punish me for my choice.
"If you are not getting what you want or need from the relationship, leave first before you turn to someone else".
Or maybe, turn to your spouse and learn to be honest about your feelings; let the other person know what your wants and needs are. Maybe the other spouse doesn't realize that anything is wrong. The other spouse deserves a chance to try to fix what is broken before the other spouse jumps ship with an unfair advantage or a new thing on the side. Try that first, then leave.
"Most of the time, it is the men who are finding other woman while still married."
In my case, my ex didn't have to "find" his new woman. She was constantly right there hanging around and practically waiting for us to break up. He didn't have to look very hard. She was more than willing to take over where I left off. Today, he is unemployed and she is supporting him financially just like I used to do. Gee, I guess she waited around for nothing! lol!
"the leading cause of divorce is infidelity"
I believe that one. In my case, it was money and infidelity.. but like they say, you can't do anything without money!
>>>When I decided to go back to college to get my degree, my ex felt very threatend. He knew that I would be able to earn more money than him, and I think he resented that or felt bad about it.<<<
My ex was the opposite, he felt threatened if I wasn't going to earn more than him. He didn't want the responsibility of supporting the family, or really to share that responsibilty. His goal was for me to outearn him by more than double. When I left him he thought lifetime alimony might be appropriate, but settled for just receiving child support and letting me pay all dd's expenses.
>>>"If you are not getting what you want or need from the relationship, leave first before you turn to someone else". Or maybe, turn to your spouse and learn to be honest about your feelings; let the other person know what your wants and needs are. Maybe the other spouse doesn't realize that anything is wrong<<<
My mistake was saying it for too long, and thinking one day he'd actually listen to me or try to work with me. My ex-h didn't believe anything was wrong, but that was his fault because he choose to ignore and not believe me. I agree with the statement that you should leave first if you want to be with someone else. I wish I had, that was my mistake and I have to live with that. But I can't think of any other ways I could have let my ex-h know I wasn't getting what I needed for *years* and it took me so long to realize he didn't care. Well, he didn't care until I was walking out the door and taking my income with me. By then it was too late.
>>>"the leading cause of divorce is infidelity" I believe that one. In my case, it was money and infidelity.. but like they say, you can't do anything without money!<<<
Money and infidelity for me too. But not the way you'd think. My infidelity made me wake up and realize that I could leave my ex-h, I would survive on my own and that in fact the only way I would survive was if I left. The good side is that it gave both of us the chance to start over, and now we are both better off.
Hugs, Brenda
"In the grand scheme of things and working through a lot of anger and hurt, I have to honestly say, I don't begrudge him that anymore."
It's funny, even though I was the one to leave and even though I had no feelings left for him at all and hadn't for years....the more I find out about his other woman/women the more ticked off I get. It isn't that he moved on as much as it is learning how deceiptful he was for so long in our marriage...and how hypocritical he is. Apparently i was with someone for almost 18 years and didnt' really know him at all.
All those years of lying, cheating, deceipt...that's was I begrudge now.
The fact that he spent the last year we were together trying his best to accuse ME of cheating really tops it all off.
Do you know who she is? I've been trying to find out who my ex is seeing but he's keeping pretty tight lipped about it and of course I'm not going to appear too interested. He hasn't introduced her yet to any of his friends (at least that I know of)and he did say he would talk to me before introducing her to the kids, which I certainly appreciate. I'm not jealous, just curious having been with him for so long to see what kind of person he chooses (and so soon after).
We both worked throughout our marriage so he has never been threatened by my independence. In fact, he was very encouraging about it. I might venture to say we were a little too independent of each other plus a host of other issues we couldn't seem to get past.
I think it's natural to feel a sense of betrayal even though your feelings changed a long time ago. He still turned out to be someone very different than you thought and some of the things he has done would hurt anyone regardless of the level of emotion between the two. You might find the Betrayed Spouses Support threads helpful.
Hello again, Janalta!
First...Pianoguy wanted to thank you for the very nice birthday wish. To be honest, there's a homemade devils food cake with cream cheese frosting (and red sprinkles) that's sitting in the fridge---waiting to be "attacked" later this afternoon!
I honestly think your work and personal situations are similar to that of many women. There ARE men who feel like they're 'in competition' if a spouse is running her own business. Handling the competition...and accepting the fact that "the lady won't always be available for personal satisfaction" can be a tough pill for many men to swallow. Face it--if you were brought up in a family who believed the stereotype: "The man is the primary breadwinner in the family"---it's difficult for some of us to alter our point of view.
While I don't endorse infidelty, there ARE friends (and associates) who exercised the option simply because there were too many physical delays and verbal excuses to "prevent ANY quality couples time!" I'll admit men can be just as guilty of this habit as women can. Maybe it's that "breadwinner stereotype" that turns a few of us off to our wives, g/f's or S.O's....particularly when they're the "breadwinner" and we're not? This could be a possible reason for seeking out another woman who is willing to provide unconditional and unlimited...err..."attention?"
I also think it's difficult for many men to understand when a woman DOESN'T FEEL SEXUALLY INCLINED....especially when WE ARE!!!
I'm definitely not approving (or endorsing) infidelity from either sex just because 'the mood isn't present in a partner!' But I often wonder if a woman's lack of desire is hormonal, emotional, physical...or just the fact that she has FALLEN OUT OF LOVE (quoting Reba McEntire's tune) with the man who was supposed to be her "lifetime partner?"
Pianoguy
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